Okay, so I've always talked to myself from like eight different perspectives. Maybe I'm just trying to look at each situation from every angle; or maybe I just think too hard when I'm writing a book and I have several characters with different personalities or maybe... maybe I just all my marbles. But that's alright. When I switch to my second personality, I know she has them all bagged up.
But I am crazy. Sometimes I think I'm still a kid, meanwhile I'm acting like an old woman. Sometimes I forget who I am and where I'm going and what I'm doing...And sometimes I wake up feeling smart, and powerful, and so...incredibly not me that I feel I can do anything.
Most of the time I feel horrible. And not just physically, but mentally. I'm stupid, and the worst part is, I know I am. When people say No, you're not; don't be so hard on yourself, I want to scream. Nobody listens to me.
I know I'm a moron. I can feel this heavy, unmovable block in my mind. It's only gone on those rare and wonderful occasions when I wake up feeling like a different person; and on those days, I know I'm not the dimwit I usually am. I want to clean, and do homework, and just dive headfirst into all the things I normally loathe. On those days I'm different, because I am.
Too bad those occasions don't happen...well, every morning.
I'm undergoing a lot of change soon (in like, a whole fucking year; which is way too far away from now). I'm going to get my ugly teeth repaired. Maybe after The Big Change I'll dye my hair, buy lipstick, date - who knows? My mom wants to call me by my middle name, says I need to start my life over. I sure fucked this one up. Her boyfriend wants to pay for my tattoo, which I'm not sure about getting. I mean, what if I lose weight after the fact? Yucky.
But I know that no matter what I look like, I'll still feel that block in my mind, keeping me from learning anything of significance. I know that when I try to tell someone how slow I am; they'll just roll my eyes and tell me to lighten up like my voice doesn't count.
There has to be more to life than wishing it away. I wish I were different. I wish I could work. I wish I could add ten and nine without needing a calculator. I wish I wasn't going blind. I wish I wasn't going deaf. I wish my heart would beat normally. I wish my skin wasn't gray. I wish we had more food. I wish I had purpose. I wish I could see my sister whenever we wanted to visit. I wish I could take back all my bad choices. I wish, I wish, I wish! And I don't have a single penny to my name to spare.
God, life's depressing.
But I am crazy. Sometimes I think I'm still a kid, meanwhile I'm acting like an old woman. Sometimes I forget who I am and where I'm going and what I'm doing...And sometimes I wake up feeling smart, and powerful, and so...incredibly not me that I feel I can do anything.
Most of the time I feel horrible. And not just physically, but mentally. I'm stupid, and the worst part is, I know I am. When people say No, you're not; don't be so hard on yourself, I want to scream. Nobody listens to me.
I know I'm a moron. I can feel this heavy, unmovable block in my mind. It's only gone on those rare and wonderful occasions when I wake up feeling like a different person; and on those days, I know I'm not the dimwit I usually am. I want to clean, and do homework, and just dive headfirst into all the things I normally loathe. On those days I'm different, because I am.
Too bad those occasions don't happen...well, every morning.
I'm undergoing a lot of change soon (in like, a whole fucking year; which is way too far away from now). I'm going to get my ugly teeth repaired. Maybe after The Big Change I'll dye my hair, buy lipstick, date - who knows? My mom wants to call me by my middle name, says I need to start my life over. I sure fucked this one up. Her boyfriend wants to pay for my tattoo, which I'm not sure about getting. I mean, what if I lose weight after the fact? Yucky.
But I know that no matter what I look like, I'll still feel that block in my mind, keeping me from learning anything of significance. I know that when I try to tell someone how slow I am; they'll just roll my eyes and tell me to lighten up like my voice doesn't count.
There has to be more to life than wishing it away. I wish I were different. I wish I could work. I wish I could add ten and nine without needing a calculator. I wish I wasn't going blind. I wish I wasn't going deaf. I wish my heart would beat normally. I wish my skin wasn't gray. I wish we had more food. I wish I had purpose. I wish I could see my sister whenever we wanted to visit. I wish I could take back all my bad choices. I wish, I wish, I wish! And I don't have a single penny to my name to spare.
God, life's depressing.
I’m starting to think Mom didn’t like the names she gave us. When I started talking about moving out, she said I should start going by my middle name, too — new lifestyle, new name. Since she doesn’t have a middle name and her whole life has changed, what does she like to be called now? :P I think that I’ll always think of you as ‘Kim’ but if you really want people to call you Rose, I’ll try . . .
ReplyDeleteHave you talked to a doctor about that ‘brick in the head’ feeling? I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that, and it worries me that you do . . . and is that “blind” and “deaf” stuff exaggeration, or are you really going blind and deaf? Have you been diagnosed with heart problems? I was on a heart monitor for a while in 2007, I’m not sure if you remember (or if you ever knew); fortunately, the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me . . . it wasn’t very comfortable, but it was only two days; if it eases your mind, maybe you should try that?
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re stupid. I’m not trying to say that you’re wrong, or that your opinion doesn’t count, but you’ve never seemed stupid to me. I think I’m stupid, and people tell me I’m not, and all I can think is, “You think you know me better than I know myself? If you can get into my head, then you have a right to tell me what you think. Until then, shut the hell up.” :P
I hate it when people don’t listen to me, so I’m sure you hate it, too.
I have days where I wake up miserable and depressed, and everything bothers me, and I don’t want to do anything . . . and other days, I feel invincible, like nothing can bother me. There are days when I’m completely happy for no reason, or completely depressed for no reason. There are days when I can work endlessly and be happy doing it, and days where nothing gets done and I don’t give a damn. So maybe it’s normal. Even if it’s not, you definitely aren’t alone in feeling like you’re so many different people. Talk to me anytime :)
Just a few months ago, I decided what I want to do with my life — kind of an amazing feeling, if a bit daunting. I don’t mean a job, or career, whatever; I mean . . . like in the Sims games, each person has one thing they want to do with their life; it’s their one reason for living, the one thing they feel they were given life to complete. I found mine: I want to write a story worth reading. Not a lofty goal, maybe, but a challenging one for me. I hope to write one story worth reading, and after that, I think I’ll be happy no matter what. I had no goals before that, no idea what to do, and now I do. Be patient, try new things, and maybe something will come to you. (This is about the ‘I have no purpose’ bit of your post. I know the feeling. The whole time I was trying to do school, I kept asking myself, what’s the POINT of this? I’ll never amount to anything.’)
Try not to worry about anything. It wastes time, and it usually doesn't accomplish anything. Talk to people you can trust, and doctors if you think you must ;)
Mom still likes to be called Mom by us, or Betty by anyone else. The only titles she hated being called by were "The wife", and of course b!tch, @$$hol3, etc. Lorne still calls her Old Bird, which she hasn't been severely annoyed by. 'Course, most of the time he calls her that when she's not here, so...
DeleteI really don't care what people call me anymore. I don't think it will make that much of a difference, though I hope it does. So many years now I've been so harsh on myself, and it would be impossible to just start liking myself; unless the change gives me confidence. But it won't change the weight I feel on my brain, or the deadness in my eyes. I honestly think I might change my hair, maybe even wear lipstick when this whole thing is done. If that can't give my esteem a boost, I'd have no idea what to do next.
No, I have not talked to a doctor. I may actually be going blind and deaf, but so far no, it hasn't been confirmed. And during my anxiety attack, yes, they said I had high blood pressure and a high heart rate. Before that I had heart problems, and ever since it has been worse.
And thank you. And you are NOT stupid, either. I guess we're both too hard on ourselves. I think maybe we're more intelligent than we think; but we're just too shy or afraid to let others know it. Like, I've been shying away from people bolder than me all my life; because I'm scared to let my voice be heard. My voice annoys me, and I'm terrified of what people will think of me - voice, opinion, etc. And, exactly!! People acting like they know me better than me...That really annoys me. I'm so glad you understand. You always do.
Yes, yes, yes! You completely get it! It's not like you should, because you've already amounted to so much. And then there's me.
I know what I want to do with my life, too, but it's just not happening; even as I'm doing it. Author as well. I've written one good book; and the sequel has some good moments; but I'm thinking of scrapping that, and incorporating it into the first book instead.
Talk to people you can trust, and doctors if you think you must. Now there is a motto to live by. I guess talking to him about the brain-weight thing is a good idea. He'll have to listen to me, or at least pretend to.
Thanks for the advice. And as usual, it was nice hearing from you. Talk to me whenever you like; I'm up most of the time. And please, remember how great I think you are. :) Love you!