(06.25.13 at 9:45 PM)
**SPOILER ALERT! If you for any reason have not yet watched this movie, do not read this. Or save yourself some valuable time and don't watch the movie.**
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I am probably the biggest Shrek fan in history. I am probably what is defined as a 'nerd'; as I have memorized the lines and scenes. In my opinion, Shrek 1, 2, and 4 are perfect. Unfortunately, Shrek The Third is not; and I am blogging to tell you why.
I loathe this one movie. The script is terrible, and Shrek's accent is barely noticeable, which saddens me. The only good outcomes of this movie are: Fiona has triplets, and Artie becomes king. That's it! That's all that is good about this movie. I saw flaws in each film of this series, but I looked past them because otherwise, they were truly the best animation movies I have ever seen; then and to this day. But Shrek The Third is horrid. Let's start from the beginning, shall we? In the other three Shrek movies, we were taken through the beginning by hearing a narration, read from a book (which is displayed onscreen, as well). But in Shrek The Third, we are taken through storm clouds, which is probably the climax of the entire film. Then we see Prince Charming riding his horse. His first words are, "Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower; where my princess awaits rescue from the handsome Prince Charming!" This implies that he still refers to himself in third person. (It's no wonder he's still single.) Then we are shown that he is jumping in place, and between his legs he is holding a broom, on which is attached a stuffed horse head. Now let me just pause and say this: All I see of this is a lonely man straddling wood. We are shown that the scenery rolling by and the sound of horse hooves are really side effects, cast out over the audience by men hiding in the shadows. (But, as in the second movie, the spotlight shining on him is a dim one.) Now, enter Pinocchio, the Big Bad Wolf, the Gingerbread Man and the Three Little Pigs. (I would hate it if all of my friends were edible; wouldn't you?) I don't know why, but every time we see any of these characters; the rest of them are there too, as if they must always remain in a group. They chat one another up a bit, resulting in Pinocchio telling a lie...The people behind DreamWorks probably thought it would add humor to the dull tedium plaguing what is deemed 'The Best Shrek Yet!'
Okay then.
Prince Charming continues on with his silly little play; as if, maybe, he could find his happily ever after, after all. Instead he finds himself facing an audience that ridicules him. He leaves the stage and goes to his bedroom, which is actually inside an alleyway; and begins crying. (Yeah, THIS guy is the rightful king. Why doesn't he just wet his pants while he's at it?) He looks at a photo of his late mother, and tries pitifully to get his act together. "I am the rightful king of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother; I will restore dignity to my throne!" And BOOM. A wet, dirty newspaper flies into his face. On the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona; and he begins planning Shrek's demise. (Footnote! The Fairy Godmother must have had a one night stand with a king; as she, the mother to a prince, is not a queen.)
Of course, the scene where Shrek and Fiona are in bed, listening to Donkey singing is in-character; and Puss is, of course, ridiculously endearing. The scene where Shrek tries to knight a hero and winds up killing him is gruesome, but it's always the first laugh I get out of the movie; mainly because nothing else worked. We get to see how a volatile ogre would cope with getting dressed up in feminine skimpies to take place for an ailing king; and the answer is, not well. The curtains catch fire and Donkey is nearly hit with shrimp, also on fire. He exclaims, "Ooh, shrimp; my favorite!" (even though, in the prior movie, he says that Mexican food is his favorite). He blows one out and takes it. Okay, that's pretty cute.
Let's see, what else, what else...Shrek retires to his bedroom in a foul mood and goes to bed. He turns to kiss Fiona, and Donkey is lying next to him with a big grin. Oops! No kiss for Donkey! Shrek throws him out into the hall, and puts Puss on the windowsill. At last, he is alone with Fiona; who then, after some hinting, reveals that she would like to have children. Shrek reveals he would not like to have children; and then the two of them are notified that the King is dying. They go to his side and he tells them that if they are not to take the throne; then Arthur Penndragon, Fiona's cousin, is next in line. Then, amidst many squeals that remind me of an air balloon deflating, he humorously dies. They are all sad, which I understand; and wishing he were still alive, which I don't. Clearly he was suffering and is in a better place. (Did his frog body still have a human spirit; or is there a special place where frogs go when they die - aside from a shoebox? Great display of high regard for a husband, father and king; by the way.)
From the forest, Prince Charming watches as the funeral ends and the people leave. He rides his horse to the Poison Apple (I wonder if this is where Snow White goes for a drink?) and asks for service; then promptly insults the person who handles his food when it turns out to be Mabel, the ugly stepsister. Or not; since in the fairytale, the Ugly Stepsisters were named Anastasia and Drizella. I believe Mabel - and Doris, called the Ugly Stepsister by King Harold in Shrek 2 - might be imposters...) Prince Charming makes a fool of himself; and then turns everybody within the Poison Apple into his angry villainous groupies.
Now Shrek is seen getting ready to go on a voyage to find Arthur. Fiona is uneasy about him leaving; and he tells her he can always use persuasion and reason with his fists if Arthur gives him any trouble. He kisses her goodbye and boards the ship with Puss and Donkey; and Fiona decides the news of her pregnancy cannot wait until he returns. She tells him, and Shrek is the least excited of his crew; however he feigns happiness at the information. Then, later on in the cruise, he has a nightmare; which starts as the ship slides to a bumpy stop. (Oddly enough, the ship winds up in the swamp; which is all dry land; minus a bathing pool that does not connect to a lake open to the public beyond his swamp. Um, what?) Shrek gets out, and although his nostalgic smile is cute, his ballerina dancing moves are not. The nightmare continues - blah, blah, blah - and then he wakes up. His friends ask if he's okay, and Shrek is overwhelmed with disbelief. Donkey, who is a father already, asks Puss how getting females pregnant happens. Um, okay, I know he literally is an ass; but he's talking out of his. He should know...
Then Donkey breaks into song. I don't care if he tries to breakdance; but of all the songs out there, he has to sing "Cat's In The Cradle". The kid isn't even born yet and he's singing about the kid leaving home? Please. Puss quietly tries to console him, and then finally Donkey says something useful. "Nobody said it was gonna be easy. But at least you got us to help you out! You'll be fine." Shrek tries to smile, and then the ship captain tells him he's finished; and then makes a hasty (albeit terrible) save by adding, "With your journey!"
Okay. Here we are at "Wor-cester-sha-shirey". (What kind of character teaches a donkey how to read?) We learn an unflattering secret of his, which can't work unless he is, as Shannon Parker would say, hung like a horse. And well, Donkey isn't even a pony. (Is Dragon how he compensates? And all Lord Farquaad got was a castle!) We're introducted to Lancelot, Arthur, and Gwen; and learn that the new king Arthur is a pretty unpopular kid; bullied and teased by his schoolmates and even the adults. "Pack up your toothbrush and jammies; you're the new king of Far Far Away!" That right there has to be the weirdest quote in a movie. Shrek picks him up (yes, he finally got the right kid) and carries him out of the school. No one stops him because no one wants Artie to be in the school and doesn't care if he's kidnapped by a big green man with noodle ears.
Okay. Cut to the castle. Fiona is having a baby shower; and her friends express themselves. Their weird, egotistical, eccentric and sleepy selves. Fiona is given a pooper scooper, a servant, and then Prince Charming drops a wee little net on top of Dragon and for some reason she's immobilized by it. Fiona, the princesses and the widowed queen disappear into a hidden passage; which is odd, because it connects to the wall that forms the hallway. Uh, nice one, DreamWorks. Somehow, a puppet, three pigs, a wolf and a cookie have already assembled a dresser and some chairs against the wall; and the little wafer thinks he can help keep out the intruders by putting his weight into the dresser. (Oye vey.) The barrier breaks and the same furniture seems to assemble itself perfectly for a tea party as Charming and his sidekicks enter the room. He asks where Shrek is, and Gingy mouths him off. Instead of biting off his head or snapping him in half or just taking a gum drop button; Charming gets Captain Hook to hold his hook up against his chest. (Aww, he wants to slice him up in equal halves and share with his buddies.) Gingy begins singing, Pinocchio keeps finding his way around lying, and then, finally, one of the Three Pigs has had enough of the noise and tells Charming where Shrek went. Pinocchio tries to deny the truth and his nose grows; and then he says Shrek will never fall for Charming's tricks and his nose grows again. Ouch! First Shrek is deceived, then the puppet reveals he thinks Shrek is gullible, and now he's going to get killed.
Shrek, Puss, and Donkey are back on board; bringing Artie to his new kingdom. He realizes he isn't ready for kingship and turns the boat around to go back home; and he and Shrek fight over the wheel. Then, as Shrek tries forcing it from Artie, he lets go and the steering wheel, also known as the helm or the tiller, breaks off. The ship crashes. "Land ho!" And blah, blah, blah, life goes on; and then they meet Merlin; a neurotic retired wizard who used to be a teacher at Artie's school. (Um, why would a magical wizard give out his secrets to a bunch of completely normal kids? Merlin, I too am a victim of level three fatigue. The movie is that incredibly boring.) Artie at last manages to convince the wizard to help them back to Far Far Away; and in fear of getting "bippity boppity booped by the magic man", Donkey holds out his hoof for Puss to hold; and he complies begrudgingly.
It is discussed whether the swapping of their bodies is because they touched. They are returned to Far Far Away moments later, and Puss and Donkey have swapped bodies. Artie and Shrek (and I) find this funny; and although Donkey's furry feline face looks mad, I believe I can hear some humor in his voice when he confronts their laughter. I like to imagine that Antonio Banderas (Puss) and Eddie Murphy (Donkey) were having fun in the recording room during this particular scene, trying to make their voices match their characters' expressions. (Frankly I would have loved to see Puss laugh at Donkey as he tries to use the sword...)
Donkey sees a picture of a man in a Shrek costume (oddly enough, the print appears to be in computerized text). Donkey actually assumes Shrek is in a play! (He's an ass even in cat form.) Then a group of guards close in on Shrek, with their swords at the ready...I assume they aren't the guards posted at the royal castle. Puss tries making his cute, wide-eyed stare (you would think he would understand that he no longer has the ability to pull it off). Artie steps in and makes the guards reconsider their actions; and then Shrek, replying to Artie, calls him "Donkey". Whoops!
Now Prince Charming is rehearsing for his play. Um, didn't he already do this onstage and get humiliated? But he draws his sword into a man's chest - twice - and then throws down his sword. "This doesn't feel real enough yet!" he whines. I've got news for him. It's not real. At all. He's just copying Shrek, obsessing with what's already happened out of jealousy that his life isn't turning out as well. (Boor-ing - yes, I do like wordplay.)
Then, as if he's fulfilling some kind of meaningful destiny; he says, "My happily ever after is nearly complete." Yeah friggin right! If his happily ever after includes getting laughed at by the entire town, then his destiny is only being filled a second time.
Then, something funny. Charming tilts his mirror - and Shrek walks out of the shadows. "Break a leg. Or on second thought, let me break it for you." Personally, I love that line. It's too good for this movie. He wants to know where his wife is, naturally, and as it turns out, she's in prison with her friends and mother and planning their escape. Shrek has Charming upended in the air when the guards break in. Shrek sets Charming down and tells the truth - he was supposed to be next in line - and Charming spares Artie and takes Shrek to kill him. Artie leaves; and Puss and Donkey are, for some reason, thrown in prison. (What harm could they do - scratch the furniture or something? Big deal.) They are reunited with Fiona and tell her Shrek is going to be killed. Lillian bashes in one of two walls, and Fiona acts all impressed, as if she doesn't even notice the second wall (hardheaded, just like her mother). And for some reason, the guards didn't hear the wall smashing as part of the building was destroyed.
Snow White points out that there is another wall, and Lillian destroys it. They burn bras, put on war makeup (although it has already been removed in their next scene), do a hand tower thing...yadda, yadda. Then Snow White does her little dance-attract wildlife-attack thing. (Dinner and a show, for free, and we're still not getting our money's worth.) The animals attack Ed and Steve, who are possessed trees and also guards of Charming's stolen kingdom. Really? What are they going to do, split down the middle?
Then Puss and Donkey are approaching the kingdom, and one of the Pigs refers to Artie as a "strange little girl". (It's said that the Pigs sound German when they're supposed to be French.) Puss and Donkey twist the truth into a neat little white lie and say that Shrek only said those things to spare Artie's life. Artie saves Shrek, the villains become nice, Shrek saves Artie, and then Puss and Donkey get their bodies back.
And that, my friends, is what we saw in theaters on May 18th, 2007. Six years ago that was considered a good movie; but it was most certainly not the best Shrek yet.
