I quit. It's impossible.
No sleep...AGAIN. Why must I always feel tired, if I can never feel awake? There are many things I don't understand, but that is the question in most need of an answer.
I guess I need to wait until death to have even a chance of rest. I'm sorry, that was very bleak and disturbing; but I reserve the right to be. At all times. It's the only lifestyle I'm good at keeping. And I guess I've practiced being bleak so long that it's become a hobby.
Three times now, on a very rare and special occasion; I've had the privilege to literally think outside the box. I've experienced what it must be like inside a normal human's head. I went through a glorious part of the day...not depressed. Not slow. Not even stupid. It was a very alien experience. I felt smart, and powerful. Ready for anything. I knew it wouldn't last long; and of course, it didn't. But to have that taste of normalcy for even one minute was the second best thing to have ever happened to me. I sincerely hope it happens again.
Today is not my day. I have to wake up feeling that way. And seeing as how I never woke...no. It's going to be a very bad day. I'm going to relieve myself, maybe eat something, and try again for sleep. And for once I do hope I'm awake for supper, because it's going to be pizza. With chips, pop, and The Walking Dead. That's the only reason I have to smile today.
No sleep...AGAIN. Why must I always feel tired, if I can never feel awake? There are many things I don't understand, but that is the question in most need of an answer.
I guess I need to wait until death to have even a chance of rest. I'm sorry, that was very bleak and disturbing; but I reserve the right to be. At all times. It's the only lifestyle I'm good at keeping. And I guess I've practiced being bleak so long that it's become a hobby.
Three times now, on a very rare and special occasion; I've had the privilege to literally think outside the box. I've experienced what it must be like inside a normal human's head. I went through a glorious part of the day...not depressed. Not slow. Not even stupid. It was a very alien experience. I felt smart, and powerful. Ready for anything. I knew it wouldn't last long; and of course, it didn't. But to have that taste of normalcy for even one minute was the second best thing to have ever happened to me. I sincerely hope it happens again.
Today is not my day. I have to wake up feeling that way. And seeing as how I never woke...no. It's going to be a very bad day. I'm going to relieve myself, maybe eat something, and try again for sleep. And for once I do hope I'm awake for supper, because it's going to be pizza. With chips, pop, and The Walking Dead. That's the only reason I have to smile today.
Sounds like a pretty good dinner!
ReplyDeleteBobbi recommended Melatonin to me - it's a natural 'drug' that helps people sleep. (Melatonin is actually a chemical our bodies are supposed to produce, and the pills provide what the body doesn't.) I get insomnia in the winters, a few weeks without sleep at a time...this winter, I took Bobbi's advice. After about five nights on that pill, I didn't need to take it anymore; I could go to bed and sleep without it.
The pills I have dissolve pretty quickly under the tongue, and they taste like chocolate and mint - not kidding. Pills that dissolve under the tongue are 'sublingual' - if you want to try them, I really think they work. :)
I am definitely interested. I'll mention it to Mom. Thank you. :)
DeleteYou're welcome . . . keep in mind that the pills may not work the first few nights; it took me a few nights before I managed to sleep . . .
DeleteAnd I found it helpful to push down on my tongue while the pill was under it, or else I was tempted to push the pill out - it feels weird having something under your tongue, did you know that? Luckily they don't take ages and ages to dissolve . . .
You aren't supposed to go to bed with the pill under your tongue, by the way; you let it dissolve while you're standing up to make sure you don't swallow it (which isn't bad for you or anything, and the pills aren't big, but they're more effective when absorbed under the tongue . . . ).
I really hope it helps you, I know you've had trouble sleeping for ages . . .
I spoke with Mom, like I said; and she told me that epileptic people suffer more seizures when they take melatonin. I did some research just now and it's apparently true. And ironically, it also says that epilepsy treatments can cause dizziness. There's just no winning, is there?
DeleteI have had trouble sleeping for as long as I can remember. One time, in this house, I woke up feeling well-rested and refreshed...That lasted five minutes, and then I felt like I needed to take a nap. I remember that day well because I had taken my very first sleeping pill. Since then, I seem to be immune to their effects; which is very unfortunate, because it's Extra Strength. :(
Maybe there's a fruit or a drink or something that provides melatonin. Something that is medicinal, but not actually medicine - something we epileptics can take, too! :D
Sounds like a pain in the arse! Does the doctor have anything to say about insomnia like yours, or is it one of those "no opinion" doctors?
DeleteI'm not really sure. I haven't spoken to the family doctor about that, at least I don't think I have. He seems like a good doctor, like he knows what he's talking about; but he always recommends a specialist instead of finishing the job himself. :(
DeleteWell . . . maybe it's time to go see one, then? I think doctors are really only trained to tell people that their sore throat isn't the end of the world, and specialists can actually handle real medical problems, like whether a certain sleep medication will interfere with an epileptic's brain . . .
DeleteI know some doctors are good, but a lot of them aren't. I told one doctor years ago that it felt like I had fluid in my lungs, and he looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "Fluid in the lungs isn't a symptom, it's a diagnosis." What?! First off, who cares? If I've had fluid in my lungs before, I know how it feels, and it damn well IS a symptom - it can be a sign of a sneaky flu, or pneumonia, and either of those can kill a person.
Bah. I hate doctors. Cops aren't all that useful, either. I remember that one that Mom called when she was scared of the people who used to live downstairs from us, and he just swore at her - as if her fears weren't justified. He probably really wanted to get back to that box of Timbits in his car.
Hahaha!
DeleteI know what you mean. And anyway, how can you diagnose something that's not a symptom???
That's what I wanted to say...but I was like 15, so I didn't have the guts to talk back to any adults yet. Plus, he was totally short (as in unfriendly) so he probably would have just refused to listen to my breathing and told me that if I thought I knew better, I could just go fix myself (lol, that could sound so much worse if you mispronounce 'fix') :D
DeleteI would have told the doctor what I thought. Of course I also walked out on my own doctor when I hated the test he tried to do. I was a stubborn kid. :D
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