My computer is making more noise than lovers. And all I did was play three Facebook games. The inside of the brain was cleaned, too, so it's probably my graphic card - the biggest fear of every financially screwed gamer. Oh well. I have spent most of my life waiting, so there is always the Internet to satisfy my damn urges while I wait for a new one. And no, I don't mean it the same dirty way it sounds.
We had payday awhile back. Thank goodness. We had a pizza dinner. I also got my hands on some treats: chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce, and yogurt, and Boost...Oh, and pop and chips! I'd nearly forgotten about those. My bad; I do love them...too much, in fact. I wish, for the five-millionth time, that I could have my sweet tooth extracted. But unfortunately it's just a saying that means I'll crave junk food until I die, fat and happy. Well, fine with me. Who wants to die thin and sad? I don't want to go my entire life denying myself the fatty goodness there is to be had. I deny myself so much already. Love, dangerous fun, even laughter. I have my reasons; but God, I wish I could ignore all my health issues and just be crazy! Even for a day. But no, I have to take all these pills and do nothing that's more exciting than chores, catering to my daily needs and getting the mail. I honestly think I'm going crazy.
Well, at least when people ignore me, it isn't because I never tried to warn them.
Been going to bed at 2-ish in the afternoon for awhile now. Sometimes I don't wake up until midnight or later, and sometimes I don't sleep until 2-ish the next afternoon. It makes my family worry, for some reason; but I'm happier than a pig in sh!t because I need all the sleep I can get. But, for some reason, I try to get out of this blue funk because they want me to enjoy my day. Right. Like there's something to take pleasure in. Besides, I like blue. And funk is comforting. It's familiar. It means I can never be disappointed when nothing works out, because it goes exactly how I knew it would. It's the only thing that's been true to me, a constant in my life. Happiness is so deceptive, so betraying. Always stabs you in the back, just like 'friends'.
And family. Family, too. God, I'm treated like a robotic dog here. "Go for a walk!" "Go have a bath!" "Go fetch something from my room." "Good girl!" And yes, those things are actually said to me. It makes me f**king sick.
I wish I could express my opinion without having to worry about being kicked out for my vulgarity. And I probably wouldn't be kicked out, but they would never let me forget that I was oh, so hateful - just an insolent little b!tch; the bad child.
Hahahaha! I'm just so sunshiny, aren't I? Completely not insane. I just need to relax and let my favorite music do its magic. Okay. Block out the world, and smile...
We had payday awhile back. Thank goodness. We had a pizza dinner. I also got my hands on some treats: chocolate ice cream with chocolate sauce, and yogurt, and Boost...Oh, and pop and chips! I'd nearly forgotten about those. My bad; I do love them...too much, in fact. I wish, for the five-millionth time, that I could have my sweet tooth extracted. But unfortunately it's just a saying that means I'll crave junk food until I die, fat and happy. Well, fine with me. Who wants to die thin and sad? I don't want to go my entire life denying myself the fatty goodness there is to be had. I deny myself so much already. Love, dangerous fun, even laughter. I have my reasons; but God, I wish I could ignore all my health issues and just be crazy! Even for a day. But no, I have to take all these pills and do nothing that's more exciting than chores, catering to my daily needs and getting the mail. I honestly think I'm going crazy.
Well, at least when people ignore me, it isn't because I never tried to warn them.
Been going to bed at 2-ish in the afternoon for awhile now. Sometimes I don't wake up until midnight or later, and sometimes I don't sleep until 2-ish the next afternoon. It makes my family worry, for some reason; but I'm happier than a pig in sh!t because I need all the sleep I can get. But, for some reason, I try to get out of this blue funk because they want me to enjoy my day. Right. Like there's something to take pleasure in. Besides, I like blue. And funk is comforting. It's familiar. It means I can never be disappointed when nothing works out, because it goes exactly how I knew it would. It's the only thing that's been true to me, a constant in my life. Happiness is so deceptive, so betraying. Always stabs you in the back, just like 'friends'.
And family. Family, too. God, I'm treated like a robotic dog here. "Go for a walk!" "Go have a bath!" "Go fetch something from my room." "Good girl!" And yes, those things are actually said to me. It makes me f**king sick.
I wish I could express my opinion without having to worry about being kicked out for my vulgarity. And I probably wouldn't be kicked out, but they would never let me forget that I was oh, so hateful - just an insolent little b!tch; the bad child.
Hahahaha! I'm just so sunshiny, aren't I? Completely not insane. I just need to relax and let my favorite music do its magic. Okay. Block out the world, and smile...
I've tried posting my comment TWICE. I hate Blogger. Actually, it never used to do this before Google+, did it?
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel. Every day can feel so monotonous and pointless. And I take comfort "at the bottom" too -- you can't get any lower than you are, so every risk is an opportunity to climb out of that hole.
Talk to them - tell them you don't like being treated that way. If it doesn't help, at least you tried . . .
This is much shorter than it was meant to be. But it ate my first, and long, comment, so I've lost interest in rewriting it over and over. Maybe I'll try again later...
I'm not sure. I've never had a problem so far with Blogger...Maybe you could complain or something and ask if it can be resolved.
DeleteI did talk to them about that, and they say they treat me like an adult, but they don't. When I tell them they aren't treating me like an adult at all, they say they'll try harder but they don't. I feel completely unheard.
But I am so glad you understand about the monotony. SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS! Thank you!
lol, someone sure does...most people will say we're "negative" and "pessimistic" but whatever, maybe they've had happier lives...?
DeleteI would hope so.
DeleteBeing 'negative' is better than getting your hopes up and then having someone or something crush them to bits. I just call my negativity being realistic. ^^
Me too! People don't like that either...I have to wonder how some people can be so happy all the time. It just seems wrong to me...maybe not wrong, but certainly weird.
DeleteI guess next time I see a happy person, I'll ask. Not Mom, though. I've learned that when I ask her why she's happy, she doesn't stop talking! I'm glad she has so many reasons, though. It's good.
Delete