Best Joke I Ever Heard

      My uncle Dan is visiting right now, and a few moments ago he told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about three elderly brothers.
      "An old man puts one foot into the bath and forgets what he's doing. So he calls out to one of his brothers, 'Was I getting in or was I getting out?' The brother begins going up the stairs and then stops, calling out to the third brother, 'Was I coming up or was I going down?' The third brother shakes his head. 'I hope when I'm that old I'm not so forgetful. Knock on wood!' he says, and then calls out in response, 'I'll be right there; I just have to see who's at the door!'"
      That had us in stitches. Another good one is, "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year!"
      Earlier this week I was looking up videos of comedians and came across a child comedian named Ned Woodman. The name isn't the joke, just listen. His performance is based on insulting the judges; and his opening line is, "Why do so many people love it when people bring their dogs on this show? I don't see what the fuss is all about, Amanda Holden's been on it for years!"
      And this is the best part yet. Earlier today I went downtown and on my way back, I passed by a bike shop. And their motto is, "Put some fun between your legs!"
      All in all this has been the funniest, weirdest day I've had since my brother came and I parroted the marmot story. Their motto killed me so much I ended up submitting it to Ellen, so if you see that motto on What's Wrong With These Signs?, it's from yours truly.

Going Nowhere Fast

      Today alone my brother killed eighteen wolf spiders. One (of any kind) is too many, if you ask me. He probably pissed them off when he sprayed their hiding place with poison. Seventeen of his victims were right under this desk, so I'm a little jumpy.
      Life has...not been fun. I think I came down with a stomach bug. The spider infestation, as I mentioned. Plus being old beyond my years. Not wise, just old. As far as my mentality goes I'm basically a child. And no, that's not me underestimating myself: I have an addic-tion to candy, I still stick my tongue out at my brother, I hate any form of work. Damn it! It's like half of me is the babysitter, wearied by the endless job of caring for the other half, the immortal child. And I realize now that is a perfect example, because every single night I convince myself to have some junk food before bed. Also because I don't mind it when I cuss; I hate it when others cuss.
      And now my computer is dying. The power went out twice today, and both times it came back on, my screen was a mess of blue lines and fuzz, and the mouse cursor and all the programs were enlarged. It was the aforementioned brother to the rescue!
      So I'm probably going to look into buying an iPhone/iPod/iPad/ whatthefuckever. I'm tired of saving up for computer repairs, calling my brother's friend to fix it, and then watching it decay back to square one. Hopefully those little gadgets last longer; because I'm not asking for a lot. I just want something to outlast me. Long as I can still play my game, because I'm inching toward having enough curr-ency for the Soul Eater costume.
      Anywho, I'm off. Watched Toy Story last night. Now it's time for the sequel. Maybe I'll have sandwiches and fruit with it. Peaches aren't junk food, right? I think I can morally get away with that. I mean, I will be adding sugar, but I still think there's a difference between sweet peaches and candy. I hear candy and I think of those rock-hard chunks of chocolate with frosting on top and maybe some fruity syrup in the middle, which would send friggin Colossus to the dentist. Man, could you imagine him getting it on? Talk about being loud in the sack.

Invisible

      I'm debating whether to take a "powerful" medication that could make me sleep heavily for twenty hours, or at least that's how high the bar has been set. I'm thinking I might as well, since life is kind of boring to a laughable extent. I went downtown today, but I never made it to Wal-Mart. I started feeling like utter shit; I almost vomited on the bus and I felt like my right leg was trying to fall off. So while my mother went in for a haircut I sat in A&W and texted my friend. Or at least I thought she was my friend, but literally every time I text her, she says "Who is this?" and I just feel so...for-gettable. Literally every time.
      So I recuperated, bought a giant Lindt chocolate bar because I love Lindt, but it tastes...different. Yummy, edible, but different; like my taste buds are out of whack. And my stomach keeps doing these nasty flips. Like I ate a gymnast.
      Today could literally be erased from time, and I wouldn't care. Think I'll just get a puke pail, take some Midol and relax in bed.

Shrek 1 Plothole!

      Seventeen years later, I finally see it. And it's only in the first five minutes. The old lady has Donkey on a rope, she's going to sell him, and she expects big money because he can talk. So Donkey's trying to keep quiet, until the jar of fairy dust smashes him on the head and he can't contain his excitement when he starts flying. He starts talking, and the captain wants his guards to seize him!
      Yet nobody gives a damn about the talking pigs. Or the mice. The bears. The wolf. Donkey's cute and all, and I'd gladly let him talk my ears off; but if all animals can talk, he's not special. In fact if the snake and frog are the only animals who don't have that ability, they are the animals you'd want.

Shrek 4 Plothole!

      It's taken me eight years, but last night I began a Shrek story and something dawned on me. Rumpelstiltskin used his magic to get rid of the king and queen. He read the book based on Fiona's life (who can't relate to that?), he knows they had a daughter; why didn't she vanish, too?
      Yes, I know. If she had, the alternate universe couldn't have been defeated, which was in the contract. But obviously Rumpel is a scheming little rat (who was originally designed to look like one, by the way), killing off the king and queen was not in their agreement, and he did it anyway; so if Rumpel had been smart in his deception, he would have made absolutely sure Shrek could not share true love's kiss. And then what? Well, I suppose the real universe would just vanish without anyone noticing; and the alternate universe would continue forever.
      Ugh...

Train Wreck Bus Ride

      I've had the same shoes for fifteen years, so today I went into a shoe store. (And if I ever run my own, I'm absolutely going to call it Just For Kicks.) I tried on several pairs, but I was like the goddamn stepsister in Slipper Hell.
      Then at the bus stop, a big scary guy sat next to me. He didn't seem sick and he didn't say a word to me, so I dealt with it. Then the train wreck bus ride began and oh my God, remind me to never get on a bus. Hell, let's just remind me to never again leave the house, okay?
      This guy had been on the bus before, asking one guy a hundred times, How's Ryan? How's Ryan today? I saw him once trying to get my attention, but I was so annoyed with him already I just ignored him. So of course when he got on the bus again, he migrated right to my seat and sat down without asking if I minded, even though every other seat on the entire bus was available. (Well, the driver seat wasn't, but you get the gist.)
      I was already motion sick, and this idiot kept rocking. Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I suppose I should be glad he didn't rock side to side and knock into me, but I was just irritated. And was he quiet? No. But he did hush when he figured out I was still ignoring him...It took awhile. Thankfully his stop came before mine; I was afraid he wouldn't let me off.
      And now I learn I have to go to court and testify against our neighbor, who has caused nonstop problems, undoubtedly his whole life. All in all this has been one hell of a week.

Two Funny Guys

      My brother came over with his wife today. Since he moved away from the family when I was a kid I don't really know him, but it turns out he's just as funny as our oldest sibling, which I totally envy because it's a real drag to be a damn buzzkill. Anyway I might not explain everything he said really well, but I'll try.
      The first topic on my list is going to be short, because he was actually coming up the stairs talking to our brother. But he was talking about an old acquaintance whose "penis could fit into a thimble." That's the only part I heard, but it was enough.

      Next are the kids who try to yank out their own baby teeth, but don't really want to. He spoke of this kid who, naturally, had a string tied around his tooth and the doorknob, and he would barely push on the door and then lean forward to avoid having it ripped out. And as he's telling the story, he's leaning back and forth making all kinds of whining groans because he's impersonating both the kid, and the door. (It sounded a lot funnier coming from him.)
      Next up is the pot story. Apparently he smoked it as a teen. Actually this story was told by his wife. I can't remember the details, but apparently he took a drag with a friend and it turned them into little girls; which is funny because he's a big guy with a loud voice. But apparently they were giggling and she imitated the laugh; she made him sound like Bernadette Wolowitz. And I mean her fake laugh in the restaurant.
      He spoke of work, as usual. Best story yet. He said there are a lot of marmots where he lives now, and one fat juicy one got in the way of his big rig. He rolled over it, and he said, "You couldn't get that kind of explosion if you stomped on a packet of ketchup the size of a basketball!"
      So there really is no retelling these stories; I think I would have had to have been there in order to make it as funny as he did. But he had us all laughing; it was so great to have some funny moments with them. Their dog had just died, and I thought they would be bummed out; but even when they looked at pictures of him they had funny stories to tell. Mostly about how much he stank when he got gassy.
      Why are gassy pets so funny? His ass was on my lap and he'd had garlic; it wasn't funny. Loved that dog though. Even afterward. I'm just glad it was just gas.