...

       The good news is, yesterday I dreamed of my favorite singer again. The concert recording in my dream was 99% the same as it is in real life, except for the last few seconds; in my dream she took a little longer to catch her breath. That was the only difference; everything else, everything, was perfect.

      And then I dreamed of getting bullied, and in my dream, anything goes....so, I strung them up to the ceiling, hauled an elephant-sized alligator into the room, and let him jump at them and snap his gigantic teeth below them like Shrek 4 Dragon. And yes, I am just thinking of that comparison now.

      I haven't gone out much since that day. Joy walks have been cut down to zero, with little temptation to start up again. Not because it was so bad, but because it could have been worse. They could have yelled, "That's the woman who broke into my house!" or something.

      I hate people. I hate getting randomly attacked online, I hate feeling like everybody is out to get me. I was already trying to not be my old, self-conscious, pessimistic self who thought every single person was thinking of how ugly I am, and every plane that went by was a war plane, and every car that drove past would do a drive-by, and every person I walked past on the sidewalk would push me onto the street.... I mean, that fear has never gone away, but I was actually doing much better.

      It was probably no big deal for her, just a cry for attention, but every bad interaction scars me. Last night, I made several enemies online without saying a word. What is it about people? What is wrong with people? I reiterate, 8.3 billion people, and nobody is kind. Well, except for that woman at the cashier, who was grateful I held up a pack of gum and accidentally reminded her to buy some, and the street preacher, probably only because I was kind to her. If I'd said, "Sorry, I'm an atheist," she probably would've given me grief, too. Gosh, in today's world, she probably would've turned it into a racial thing.

      I mean, I'm not a pansy or anything. I don't regret the loss of my 3-year-5-month relationship, but I wasn't the one who ended it over something so trivial that I overlooked my partner's perfectly valid reason for having her position on the matter. This Halloween will mark the one-year "anniversary" of our split, and I'm really okay. I didn't think I would be, but thank god, I still feel nothing. Except confusion, I do feel that. Wondering what everyone's problem is. "Grown women shouldn't walk around practically naked when there's children everywhere," what is so unforgiveable about saying that? I bet my left arm, my writing hand, he would've felt differently if it was his kid. Just because it wasn't.... Fine. I'm a bitch, a truly terrible person, because after seeing a certain physical feature when I was a little girl, I don't think other children should be at risk of an indecent flash. But of course he didn't consider that, consider my reasons, for a moment. Whatever.

      It's better this way. Christ, maybe I should just give up on friend-making. I keep saying it; no good people. I should listen to myself. And I am tempted to delete all my social medias, but I wasn't approached on Facebook (for awhile). I wasn't approached on dA, where I still have one friend. Sort of. We chat every few days, sometimes he says something I dislike, but he hasn't been a prick. And we've been speaking for a little over two years. On Facebook, people keep saying, "Message me," then don't respond when I do, or they say, "Can I message you?" and they don't if I say yes. In the case of Daniel, we spoke, we got along, he expressed interest, then he ghosted me. So....whatever. People suck. Pretty sure this guy on dA is not an outlier, but we'll see. Hell, maybe outliers exist.

Hopeful

       I'm on these new gummies (the safe, legal, kids-can-reach-them kind) to help me sleep. Melatonin, I think. I hope they're as good as I think they are. I've taken them twice, and I've had deeper sleep with better dreams. No bears, no spiders, no violent deaths, just Olivia Wilde and a fortune. I was actually disappointed to wake up for a reason other than, "I need more."
      Well, I do need more, I'll always need more. Unless it is just a symptom of depression or...something else. But I will take these good dreams and deeper sleep for as long as I can.

Attacked?

       So I made the mistake of going out today. Two people were walking towards me, away from the store I was going to, and naturally I skirted around them, because no one ever does that for me and someone has to be courteous. All of a sudden the girl (or at least the one I could tell was a girl) gets in my face. "Really?" she says, "You're showing your face after f***ing my dad?"

      I happen to be a virgin, so I tell her I don't know her or her dad and keep walking. "Really? You're just going to walk away?" I ignore it, I don't even look back. I go in the store, do my shopping, and sit on the bench outside because it's a long walk, and I have to walk home; on two busted ankles, nerve damage on the bottoms of my feet, and multiple organs saying, "Nope! I can't do this anymore."
      Well, by then these people have followed me to the store, and they get in my face again, insisting I f***ed her dad. I keep telling her I don't know her, I don't know her dad, they have the wrong person, but they won't let it go. Then she says, "Give me your umbrella," and I refuse, because I'm starting to think she'll beat me with it, right? Next she tells me, "You just missed out on $10,000. We're influencers," and then she demands I kiss her boot and say "I'm a good little who**." When I decline, she decides to move on to my appearance; she noticed the pop in my purse and said I was big enough. Then they latch onto the word "sl*t." Again, I'm a virgin. In fact a prude.

      At this point they've been in my face for about 10 minutes altogether, and I'm freaked. So I wait for them to leave, I start heading home, and who do you think I see? Now there's people all over the place, and there they are, screaming profanities at me.

      So humiliating. I was kind of shaken up, but mostly annoyed. Life is hard enough. A bad heart, bad kidneys, bad lungs, and a brain problem are....what, inadequate? It wasn't much better than when my idiot stepfather decided to yell, "R*pe! Help, r*pe!"
      Anyway, I just needed to vent. I'd been looking for inspiration to become a shut-in all over again, and I think I have it. Now, I could look at this as someone out there actually thinking people are willing to touch me and I should be grateful. Or, I could think, why does she care so much if her father is sleeping around? So what? Maybe that's how you were given life, sunshine. And if he's so dishonest about it, why defend him?

      I don't know. I'm still kind of in shock. I think if I'd handled it any different, they might've beaten me. I remained calm, I didn't say anything I regret, and I walked away. Three times. But now, I'm going to be thinking of it whenever I have to leave the house. I really think I've found my inspiration to hide myself away like I used to and maybe even be okay with it again.

Dreambabble

       I dreamed that I was singing one of my favorite songs, with my favorite singer, which makes twice! So I started my day well. It wasn't a perfect dream, because instead of just rocking out, we were also trying to escape the people throwing axes and stuff at us. Way too much Walking Dead, I guess. So there we are, trying not to give away our positions, and we start belting D6, which believe me, is more impossible than actually meeting her one day.

      Hah. Awesome. I really just want to dream of singing with her every night. Preferably without the added psychos, but I'll take it.

      So twice with Floor, and once with Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a planetarium. How can I go from forgetting relatives' names, forgetting they exist, forgetting how to use scissors――to having the most incredible dream?

      The mind is a mysterious thing, I guess....

Huh....

       Not sure about my health lately. If I have the audacity to skip a meal, which I was used to, I start trembling like I have Tourette's (which really does sound like a group of females touring a city), and every single time I stand up, my ears start to ring.

      And my mother thinks she might have an ulcer. I set money aside for her birthday, but I'm contemplating turning it into emergency taxi fares for both of us.

What Goes Up...

       I was so excited months ago to get a streaming TV, but it didn't last long. I used to have my own credit card, which didn't last long either; the bank decided to tell me, "Your Visa isn't a Visa card," whatever the hell that means, so it got canceled even though I was responsible with it. So....when I got the streaming TV, I had to rely on someone else's card, my brother's. Recently he got hacked, canceled everything, and didn't order a new one. So my streaming TV is pretty much a regular one, with access to YouTube and Roku.
      I'm glad they're there; I just didn't get to explore very much, and now I can't. I could try to get a new card myself, but I kinda feel like they're out to get me. "Not a Visa card," what the hell does that even mean? Okay, can I use it for gym membership? Gift card, maybe?
      Ridiculous. All those people abusing their cards get to hold on to them, but me, they cut. Yeah, great choice, guys.
      So far, in all those months, all those shows I did check out, I only found one that I love. Surprise, it's one I thought I would hate for its downgrade in graphics; Puss In Boots: The Last Wish. I admit, I've become sort of obsessed with it. I'm downloading it right now because...well, I want to see if it works, obviously! I did give it a negative review in the past, but I may have changed it to a glowing one. I should probably check that. Oh, it's such a cute movie. Antonio Banderas reprises his role as Puss In Boots, who has fearlessly adventured his way down to his last life, and Death decides, "I'm going to teach him a lesson," so he frightens him all the way into slowing down and appreciating what he has. It's so good. Really, I was binging it and reactions of it, and it still hasn't gotten old. So my new favorite ascending order of the Shrek World is, Shrek The Third sucks, but it may be better than Shrek 5, which I hope is better than the train wreck it appears to be. Then Shrek 1, which is perfectly alright and very rewatchable. Then the original Puss In Boots movie, then Shrek 2, which is pretty amazing, especially the detail of the beads on Fiona's dress. Then Shrek 4 and The Last Wish take the completely-destroyed-out-of-irritation cake! I can't even choose between Warrior Fiona and Death.
      Of course, it doesn't impact the order of my marathons; Puss In Boots, Shrek 1, Shrek 2, Shrek 4, and The Last Wish, omitting Shrek 3 and very likely omitting Shrek 5 as well. But that's a marathon; I will watch any one of those by itself if the mood strikes.
      Woohoo! My download is over halfway. Taking awhile, but if it works, it's worth it. And if I can put it to DVD, well, I'll be "sitting on top of the world."
      I saw a reaction video to Toy Story 5, which also seems like unwatchable drivel. I think I will watch it again in its uninterrupted entirety before I make my final judgment. Guess I owe Shrek 5 that much. And with how stubborn I initially was with The Last Wish, who knows? Maybe I'll grow to love them, too. Seems unlikely, but 24 years of being a Shrekkie deserves less than 2 hours of my time.

ETA (4:09 AM): HOLY CRAP IT WORKED!!!

Not Good!

       I'm kind of pissed right now. I live in this little apartment-like building, and there have only been two decent neighbors in the past decade. The first one took off a long time ago, and now the other one is leaving. And our slumlord has illegally allowed someone to move into the building, who wants her unit. This squatter has been talking to the other tenants, who want her to "break in and take it" because Neighbor is well within her rights to stay until October.

      Neighbor needs Lawyer, that's what she needs. The reason I'm pissed is because the other neighbors have no lives, so they're constantly poking their noses into ours. "How did you sleep last night? What did you buy today? Got any plans? What's for dinner? Have you lost weight?" That would be annoying enough, but I recently learned that they talk sh!t about us behind our backs, and now they're slandering us to Squatter, turning her against us before she's even a legal tenant.... It's so frustrating. They even have her convinced that one of the neighbors, Bob (I don't care about him enough to protect his privacy), is the property manager who oversees everything and gives orders to the rest of us.

      No, dear. The landlord is the property manager.

      They have her thinking my brother is useless, when he plows the driveway so well, everybody gives praise. Well, she'll see for herself when he's out there working his ass off and everybody she trusts are useless. That is, if he still does them the favor after how they've treated him; I say snow them in.

      I am so tired of douchebags like these. 2018 or whatever, Bob seemed like a decent human being. When we went to court fighting another neighbor, he was there. He was frustrated and fed up, too; now he's part of the problem and behaving just like him. I don't know if he drank too much and his last lonely brain cell drowned, but he changed.

      The neighbor that's moving away, they had her turned against us too, in the beginning. Then she regretted ever listening to them and started hanging around us, even showing me the respect of using my full name, the first person in history to be stubborn about granting my super simple wish. Didn't think much of her at first, and now she's someone we can wish was still here. I just hope it's not too late by the time Squatter realizes she has it all backwards.

      This is what happens when you fly blind. Even as I write this, more damn drama is happening. Why can't these so-called grownups shut up and just observe, and maybe learn something? It's fine to get a second opinion at the hospital; God forbid you do it anywhere else....