YESSS!!!

       Ohmigosh, I am so freaking excited! I was just given the opportunity to apply for a job at a ski resort! Sure, I'll have to clean rooms and potentially go off-grid, but I could get away from here and maybe even meet people. And I'll be in the mountains! And, bonus, I'm in a position to buy a laptop. I can take it with me! I can take all my stories with me! And if I'm good, I can bring home $2,000. If I'm great, more than that, and I could get raises and I could do it several, maybe many times! I finally, finally, finally, finally have a chance to get a freaking life! To get a distraction! A chance, a long-awaited chance, to change the futility of my existence. Cleaning, which I hate, but the way I'm going, I'll become Peggy Bundy, and I hate that b*!

      Yes, yes, yes! The mountains! Snow, and people, and cash, oh my! Rides, and restaurants, and cash, oh my! And PEOPLE! Life, actual life, beyond these walls! Something nobody knows about me is that I miss, every morning, a complete stranger. I never knew his name, but we were neighbors for a decade. I've always been trapped and depressed, wandering my house with nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to meet no matter how hard I tried. I was waiting to die, but every morning, around 5 AM, I'd hear him fussing with the lock on his gate. Opening the gate, shutting it. It was chain link, and I actually stayed awake, listening to that small, transient sound of life. It comforted me to know there was life out there, and that he was healthy enough to work.

      It's weird. Now that I'm on a noisy street, with vehicles driving by nonstop, I just want silence. But anyway, not the point; the point is that I could actually do something. Go somewhere. Meet someone. I mean, I have traveled a lot, but my last adventure was in 2021...unless we count The Great Kidney Rescue. But I need excitement that's fresh. I need fresh memories. And I need more life experience. Badly. And I have not been this excited since 2021. Before that...never. This is the first thing I've wanted in a long time, or at least the first possible thing.

      I can't wait to apply. I wonder if I'll get a uniform!

Apocalypse Dream!!!

       I had a lot of dreams in my last sleep. My most memorable one is the, spoiler alert, apocalypse dream. It took place in a hotel near the ocean...or maybe just a big-ass house. It started with me running after characters from The Walking Dead; I followed Tyreese, Lizzy, and Mika. For some reason he put the baby, Judith, on the ground and then they all ran away, and we ended up at the hotel. We locked the door, tried to be quiet, but the floor was very creaky. Just like at home.

      In the silence, we could hear the walkers moving through the hallways, looking for prey. I looked out the window and saw a cat, attempting to nurse her kittens, while her insides were falling out.

      That's pretty much the end of that dream, and I just remembered another one! So weird. So my Sims were at a party, and when it ended they were going to meet up at the library, when I got the notification that a "show of lights" was starting. They ran outside to "look at all the pretty colors," and I pressed Tab and lifted into the air for a clear view. Found these fireworks that had launched off, but they hadn't exploded; they just froze in the sky, three dragons made only of light. Somehow they became real enough to blow fire at me, then the third one began following me everywhere, like a damn Roblox pet. My dream self was so freaked I quit the game. Of course it asked if I wanted to quit, causing my character to freeze, and this firework dragon latched onto my head, slash camera. I woke up as my entire dream was becoming just a field of whiteness.

      So friggin weird. But I'll take weird over scary, any day!

...

       I had a bizarre dream today. That it was vivid enough to be mistaken for reality is just a given; I am a highly lucid dreamer. Just call me Lucider! But yeah, it could probably be classified as a nightmare; I was in the passenger seat of the car my mother used to have. She was driving on the highway, and the rails actually looked blurry because of how fast we were going. I could see reflections, shadows...everything.

      And then a city bus fell off the cliff. Even the splash was realistic; I could see all those individual water droplets. I could see their faces, hear the screams. No wonder I'm tired and headachy all the damn time; my brain works too hard. My mother and I got out of the car and stood at the shore, waiting to see if they needed help, but even in my dream we couldn't swim.

      It was kind of a relief to wake up, and I actually felt awake enough to keep my bloody eyes open. So I've actually been out in the living room this whole time, acting alive. I'll try to make some fudge―last time I didn't have enough butter. We were critically low on bread and today my mother went shopping, so hopefully I can whip something up. Or better yet, not need it.

      But I just researched whether I can own a monkey, and in my local area, no, because they are classified as "Controlled Alien Species." Which is ironic, considering who was here first...

Strange Sight

       At 4:30 this morning, I saw...fireflies! Lots and lots of fireflies. At first I thought they were moths, because of the streetlamp, but even when they flew away from it, they were glowing and blinking. Definitely fireflies. Or embers, but since we didn't ignite, my vote's with the bugs. Maybe they liked the rain, which it hasn't done for awhile (and yes, I am complaining).
      I just wanted to watch for hours. They were circling the streetlamp, and it looked like a snow globe from Hell. I just want to see those little guys all the time. Last time I saw them, I was probably seven years old, and now...well, I'm old!

      They're beautiful, but I'm also glad my butt doesn't glow. On the other hand (or cheek, I should say) it does mean I'll never be the light of someone's life....

...

       Still going to the park. Still a disappointment every time, but I have to try.... To get exercise apparently, time in the sun, because at least that's possible....
      I've been sequestered at home for weeks because of the bears. When I go out there I'm at a point where if I see one, I'm hoping it eats me, but until I leave the house I am nervous. About a week ago seven bears were spotted in a day, and five of them beside my house. Today and yesterday I just got dressed and I went. Then to the store, today to the park.

      All that waiting, and it was just fine. I literally sat there thinking, "If I leave now, I'll get loud vehicles right in my ear," and I sure as shit did. I went to the park where it's nice and quiet, and that is where I got a headache. Not here, where all the noisy vehicles come to, but in nature.

      Whatever. I'm home now. I think I'm just going to play some Sims 3, from which I took a hefty break and got back into The Sims 2 until it glitched.... It's always been so reliable, I didn't think it could. At least not that badly.

      And I'm friendless again. Cut my newest out when he said, "You're so different from your picture (which was unedited and which he called beautiful), I thought I was being pranked." F you, buddy.

      But I'm realizing that I don't want people, maybe even more than I do want them. It's been too long. 33 years without anybody I can count on, and now I get anxious if someone thanks me for holding the door. I think I need to go live in the bush, learn how to defend myself, and just not be near humans. We are a horrible race. Of course, if I do that, I can't write my horrible books, or play my boring games.

      Oh, one last thing. Cops found a burnt body in the park. I don't go to that one much, but I could have seen it.

Facebook

       Just crawled out from under my rock to complain. Facebook's been pissing me off. Like it's not bad enough that it changes my entries―somehow―but it also changes my name pronunciation. So one minute I'm Kimberly. And the next, I'm Keem-bar-Leia. Think I'm just going to remove it so no one thinks my parents were high when I was born.

Self-Torture

       I used to think things just happened. Sometimes there was a reason, sometimes not. Lately I can't get it out of my mind that everything we do has influence. I go for walks a lot, and all I can think is, if I turn left, I might meet someone who could finally be my first true, actual friend. But if I turn right, I could get struck by a car. And if I go to the park, I could get bitten by a dog. But if I circle the block, I could find some money. I can think of the result as my best decision or my own stupid fault.
      I cannot stop thinking about cause and effect. It's in my head every time I put on my coat.