...

       Okay, so I just got back from applying for my first job. If I ever do that again, I'll try to remember to use a different computer; the one she assigned me to was nothing but trouble! I spent so long moving that slow cursor, I was surprised by how fast mine is! I keep missing my target, I have to get used to it again. If I had a computer that cooperated, I'd have been done two hours ago.

      I spent so long sitting there, doing nothing. The employee helping me kept alternating "my" desk and her own, answering the phone, talking to other employees, and asking how far along I was (in the application process). I hit a few trouble spots, but was able to sort them myself, until the very end. Then she tried helping me and even she, a worker, was getting frustrated by the equipment she relies on. Apparently it had never been so problematic before, so I guess I am special after all. But finally, after taking the damn thing out of air-plane mode and accidentally shutting the computer down, she fixed it somehow, allowing me to finally skip an unskippable part that wasn't working. And I finished.

      I am now awaiting an interview. I just hope she can forgive me if I have to do that all again! But she said my patience was "amazing." Not gonna lie, felt pretty good. I haven't received many compliments since my nurse said my blood pressure was "stellar," and it usually is sky-high. I guess being in a hospital surrounded by blood and vomit, death and disease, germs and tragedy really brought me peace.

      "That, by the way, was sarcasm! I in fact believe it is a big deal."

    Anyway, following that spectacle, we opened the door on a junkie's foot; then my ride bought surprise fast food to celebrate. It's so good. What is it about this killer concoction that's so delicious? All my problems can wait until the last bite.

      Shit, I still can't keep up with this cursor. Well, I'm off, and in five days' time I could join the working class, ladies and gents. We'll see!

YESSS!!! (3)

       Tomorrow I apply. Much as I want things to change, I do not want to take that long-ass drive. I get nauseated in the taxi before it's even out of the parking lot... Of course it's a big-ass parking lot.

      As expected, I am continuing to have doubts. I guess I want and fear change. I just wish I knew how flexible this whole thing was. You know, on a scale of elastic band to brick wall. Or even a stuntman, pushing himself to work through broken bones. If I want to back out, I want the freedom to back out. And I should, if it is just cleaning rooms or taking a desk job; it's not like I'm interviewing to cook meth or join the mafia.

      At least applying will be easy and local. Short drive, application process, less than an hour I think. But going to the resort... Hell, staying there for a month. I'm not sure. This may not be the furthest I'll have ever been from home, but the longest. As pathetically boring as my life is, it's safe. It's easy.

      I think my night will be spent researching this place and looking at photos. Hopefully for once, the pros will outweigh the cons.

      ETA: I was unintentionally misinformed. The job is not exclusive to a strange, cold place; I can work anywhere. I thought it was an opportunity to go to a resort, and I didn't inquire; she assumed I knew and didn't explain. But it's a regular job search that can still let me sleep in my own bed at night. Yay!

YESSS!!! (2)

       So I've given it minimal thought, and come up with what I would do with my money if, and only if, I got the job. I would hire a publisher, and go on vacation. Not like I've already planned the destination, but I've never gone on vacation before. I went to see my brother and we went to the beach in that time, but the whole time I stood in the water I could have cried from the pain. Stupid feet. I don't know why, but it often feels like somebody is pushing needles into the bottoms of them. One of the friends I thought I had said it might be peripheral neuropathy. Nerve damage.

      It would be so cool to put my name out there. My real name, not more of this username crap. It's been a long time since I was 15. Maybe I ought to change it again; here at least, and Fanfiction, too. Can't afford to change it on deviantART. Usernames, and viewing statistics by the way, should be free. It's sufficient that it's a platform where people can sell art―real or fake! If I was a "deceptive little parasite," I just might put a price tag on stuff I didn't make, too.

      Hm. A pen name... Oh, the possibilities! The vacation might have to wait; I've wanted to be an author much longer, and much more. Unless it's where all the celebrities are made. I have always wanted to be an actress. Not even so much for the pay, but for the people. Not to mention I could laugh at others' mistakes without being called a b*, and even if I am completely unlovable, someone might be hired to act as my friend. A real one. Maybe they could even say something incredible, like, "I need to talk about this with her first," or, "I'm your dad and I'm a terrible human being and I'm sorry."

      It would totally rock to get paid to find closure and hear words I'll never hear otherwise. And yeah, meet people. Somebody. You know, I'm not even sure about this whole thing. It's exciting to think about, but I'd have to ride with somebody I cannot stand. And if I have to stay there for several weeks, or a month, and he stays, too... I don't know if I could keep being civil. God, his laugh sounds like a bouncy ball that got trapped under a chair. And I'm not mocking him; he chooses to laugh this way. It's not a belly laugh, it's a dry, sour, completely humorless, "He...he...he...hehehehehe" that goes on for ten seconds. You could say the funniest damn thing in the world, he'll do that bouncy ball laugh, no expression on his face.

      He also talked about my boobs and wants to touch me all the time. I really just want to slap him away like a child trying to take too many cookies, or worse, take mine. Hehe.

      I guess I'll have to ask if he'd drop us off. And if he doesn't, maybe I need to put up with it. I really want things to change, but a chance is a hard thing to come by. Plus I'd be cleaning rooms and he'd be fishing or whatever, so maybe I wouldn't need to deal with him too much.

      This bright side thing is really weird.

YESSS!!!

       Ohmigosh, I am so freaking excited! I was just given the opportunity to apply for a job at a ski resort! Sure, I'll have to clean rooms and potentially go off-grid, but I could get away from here and maybe even meet people. And I'll be in the mountains! And, bonus, I'm in a position to buy a laptop. I can take it with me! I can take all my stories with me! And if I'm good, I can bring home $2,000. If I'm great, more than that, and I could get raises and I could do it several, maybe many times! I finally, finally, finally, finally have a chance to get a freaking life! To get a distraction! A chance, a long-awaited chance, to change the futility of my existence. Cleaning, which I hate, but the way I'm going, I'll become Peggy Bundy, and I hate that b*!

      Yes, yes, yes! The mountains! Snow, and people, and cash, oh my! Rides, and restaurants, and cash, oh my! And PEOPLE! Life, actual life, beyond these walls! Something nobody knows about me is that I miss, every morning, a complete stranger. I never knew his name, but we were neighbors for a decade...over a decade ago. My whole life, I've always been trapped and depressed, wandering my house with nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to meet no matter how hard I tried. I was waiting to die, but every morning, around 5 AM, I'd hear him fussing with the lock on his gate. Opening the gate, shutting it. It was chain link, and I actually stayed awake, listening to that small, transient sound of life. It comforted me to know there was life out there, and that he was healthy enough to work.

      It's weird. Now that I'm on a noisy street, with vehicles driving by nonstop, I just want silence. But anyway, not the point; the point is that I could actually do something. Go somewhere. Meet someone. I mean, I have traveled a lot, but my last adventure was in 2021... unless we count The Great Kidney Rescue. But I need excitement that's fresh. I need fresh memories. And I need more life experience. Badly. And I have not been this excited since 2021. Before that... never. This is the first thing I've wanted in a long time, or at least the first possible thing.

      I can't wait to apply. I wonder if I'll get a uniform!

    HolycrapIcouldgoonaride!!! Or maybe I could go sledding! I've wanted to do that again since the second grade! This could be everything!

Apocalypse Dream!!!

       I had a lot of dreams in my last sleep. My most memorable one is the, spoiler alert, apocalypse dream. It took place in a hotel near the ocean...or maybe just a big-ass house. It started with me running after characters from The Walking Dead; I followed Tyreese, Lizzy, and Mika. For some reason he put the baby, Judith, on the ground and then they all ran away, and we ended up at the hotel. We locked the door, tried to be quiet, but the floor was very creaky. Just like at home.

      In the silence, we could hear the walkers moving through the hallways, looking for prey. I looked out the window and saw a cat, attempting to nurse her kittens, while her insides were falling out.

      That's pretty much the end of that dream, and I just remembered another one! So weird. So my Sims were at a party, and when it ended they were going to meet up at the library, when I got the notification that a "show of lights" was starting. They ran outside to "look at all the pretty colors," and I pressed Tab and lifted into the air for a clear view. Found these fireworks that had launched off, but they hadn't exploded; they just froze in the sky, three dragons made only of light. Somehow they became real enough to blow fire at me, then the third one began following me everywhere, like a damn Roblox pet. My dream self was so freaked I quit the game. Of course it asked if I wanted to quit, causing my character to freeze, and this firework dragon latched onto my head, slash camera. I woke up as my entire dream was becoming just a field of whiteness.

      So friggin weird. But I'll take weird over scary, any day!

...

       I had a bizarre dream today. That it was vivid enough to be mistaken for reality is just a given; I am a highly lucid dreamer. Just call me Lucider! But yeah, it could probably be classified as a nightmare; I was in the passenger seat of the car my mother used to have. She was driving on the highway, and the rails actually looked blurry because of how fast we were going. I could see reflections, shadows...everything.

      And then a city bus fell off the cliff. Even the splash was realistic; I could see all those individual water droplets. I could see their faces, hear the screams. No wonder I'm tired and headachy all the damn time; my brain works too hard. My mother and I got out of the car and stood at the shore, waiting to see if they needed help, but even in my dream we couldn't swim.

      It was kind of a relief to wake up, and I actually felt awake enough to keep my bloody eyes open. So I've actually been out in the living room this whole time, acting alive. I'll try to make some fudge―last time I didn't have enough butter. We were critically low on bread and today my mother went shopping, so hopefully I can whip something up. Or better yet, not need it.

      But I just researched whether I can own a monkey, and in my local area, no, because they are classified as "Controlled Alien Species." Which is ironic, considering who was here first...

Strange Sight

       At 4:30 this morning, I saw...fireflies! Lots and lots of fireflies. At first I thought they were moths, because of the streetlamp, but even when they flew away from it, they were glowing and blinking. Definitely fireflies. Or embers, but since we didn't ignite, my vote's with the bugs. Maybe they liked the rain, which it hasn't done for awhile (and yes, I am complaining).
      I just wanted to watch for hours. They were circling the streetlamp, and it looked like a snow globe from Hell. I just want to see those little guys all the time. Last time I saw them, I was probably seven years old, and now...well, I'm old!

      They're beautiful, but I'm also glad my butt doesn't glow. On the other hand (or cheek, I should say) it does mean I'll never be the light of someone's life....

...

       Still going to the park. Still a disappointment every time, but I have to try.... To get exercise apparently, time in the sun, because at least that's possible....
      I've been sequestered at home for weeks because of the bears. When I go out there I'm at a point where if I see one, I'm hoping it eats me, but until I leave the house I am nervous. About a week ago seven bears were spotted in a day, and five of them beside my house. Today and yesterday I just got dressed and I went. Then to the store, today to the park.

      All that waiting, and it was just fine. I literally sat there thinking, "If I leave now, I'll get loud vehicles right in my ear," and I sure as shit did. I went to the park where it's nice and quiet, and that is where I got a headache. Not here, where all the noisy vehicles come to, but in nature.

      Whatever. I'm home now. I think I'm just going to play some Sims 3, from which I took a hefty break and got back into The Sims 2 until it glitched.... It's always been so reliable, I didn't think it could. At least not that badly.

      And I'm friendless again. Cut my newest out when he said, "You're so different from your picture (which was unedited and which he called beautiful), I thought I was being pranked." F you, buddy.

      But I'm realizing that I don't want people, maybe even more than I do want them. It's been too long. 33 years without anybody I can count on, and now I get anxious if someone thanks me for holding the door. I think I need to go live in the bush, learn how to defend myself, and just not be near humans. We are a horrible race. Of course, if I do that, I can't write my horrible books, or play my boring games.

      Oh, one last thing. Cops found a burnt body in the park. I don't go to that one much, but I could have seen it.

Facebook

       Just crawled out from under my rock to complain. Facebook's been pissing me off. Like it's not bad enough that it changes my entries―somehow―but it also changes my name pronunciation. So one minute I'm Kimberly. And the next, I'm Keem-bar-Leia. Think I'm just going to remove it so no one thinks my parents were high when I was born.

Self-Torture

       I used to think things just happened. Sometimes there was a reason, sometimes not. Lately I can't get it out of my mind that everything we do has influence. I go for walks a lot, and all I can think is, if I turn left, I might meet someone who could finally be my first true, actual friend. But if I turn right, I could get struck by a car. And if I go to the park, I could get bitten by a dog. But if I circle the block, I could find some money. I can think of the result as my best decision or my own stupid fault.
      I cannot stop thinking about cause and effect. It's in my head every time I put on my coat.

...

       It's fun knowing a person who has no clue about AI. Last week my brother made a video where Trump warns America not to let him into the US because he's dangerous. My mother flipped out. "What did you do? How did you piss off the president?!"

      Big eyes. Open-mouthed. The works. The only thing missing was a recording camera.

      Like, okay, let's be real. Does everything need to be AI? No. Am I getting a little sick of it? Yes. But come on, it can be useful. Only reason it's not is because humans are living wrong. You want a robot, then create one that clips your toenails. Calendar on my phone? Nothing I can do with it. Boom, create something that tells you where you put your phone, or your remote control. We don't need a look-alike of any celebrity we want, saying our words. We need useful AI that actually has benefits.

      And it could, if humans could focus less on entertainment and more about evolution. And when I say humans, apparently I mean scientists. We have fridges that automatically make ice; why did good ideas stop there?

Technical (And Literal) Difficulties

      I have been getting really fed up with my mouse and keyboard. Maybe it's because I have Windows 10 and all my drivers are out-dated, but if I try to zoom in (which is a lot when writing or playing games) it would zoom all the way out instead, and be very difficult to zoom back in. Conversely if I tried zooming out, it would zoom in! And my keyboard has several buttons that are sticking; I asked my brother to take it apart since his screwdriver isn't exactly labeled "Keyboard," and, well, that was last night. So anyway, rather than help me take it apart, he gave me his spare keyboard...except it's in even worse shape and naturally we had to Humpty Dumpty. I mean, put everything back the way it was, not throw it all off a bridge, which I think would feel excellent.
      More attention on the house. Negative attention. I'm starting to feel like a celebrity, only without the money and satisfaction. But, hey, speaking of money, there is some good news. I got a coin worth $20,000 and it was recently in an auction, going up to $50. And that was last I heard, so it could be worth even more now. I don't really care; personally I'd be thrilled to be worth $1,000. Can still buy a computer. Although I had another mouse in my desk which is behaving much better. I replaced that one with the mouse now in the trash, but I can't remember what was wrong with this one. Guess I'll find out soon enough.

      Been going to the park a lot trying to meet people. I hit a speedbump when I caught a cold, but now I'm back to it. I've met a handful of nice people, but I know I'll never see them again. It's always like that; I see them once and then it's like they leave town. 33 years here, and I have seen two people at least a second time. But I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need friends. I really don't want to sit there with someone who seems to like me thinking, "When and how will this person hurt me?"

      About a week ago, I met five people at once. Two of them were talking to me, and I was overwhelmed. Flattered for the attention, grateful for their concern, but it was a lot. I'm familiar with one person every few years. But honestly I've never been more hopeful to see someone twice.

     There are three types of people who have given me intimate attention; my cousin when he was a little boy asked if I'd marry him, I bet he didn't know what marriage meant. The strangers online, who don't even know what gender I am, and the young boy who wanted my phone number a few days ago. I really thought I was too busty to be mistaken for a 12-year-old, but I guess at least now I know why only kids are interested. Well, kids and the people who just can't wait to not talk to me.

      Why am I even on social media? I should just give up. Whatever, I have YouTube. Watching reaction videos helps me to feel less alone, especially when we laugh at the same time or they say something I've been saying for years. I love my smart TV so much. I never want to go back.

Happy New Year?

      (Post intended to be funny.)
     I always hate this time of year. Everybody always saying "Happy new year!" like it's something they have the power to bless me with. Or like they actually think we can put a calendar on happiness. I could be curled up on the hospital floor, I could be doing the fentanyl fold. "Happy new year!" "Be happy! Smile! It's 2026!"

      First of all, I don't give a squirrel's left nut, okay? Maybe I could be convinced to celebrate 2100. Until then, pipe down, no big deal. "We made it to 2026!" like, oh, it's such an accomplishment. Every person in the world took their turn moving the clock hand to the next minute.
      "Ah, we made it... That was close! The hand got stuck! Your Majesty, did the UK get to 2026, too?" "Almost. The very last person missed his turn, so now we're a year behind, the bugger."

      One number. One tiny number, and everybody's racing out the door to buy fireworks, pollute the environment, and blow off fingers. "This can't wait!"

      "Aww, your mom died, your pet ran away, and you got sick? Sucks to be you. Anyway, happy new year!"

STOP DREAMING!!!

       Stop it, you stupid body. Quit it.

      I had another nightmare, surprise, surprise. I was on an operating table, wide awake as the doctors cut into me. I had medical instruments wedged into the giant, gaping chasm in my stomach. The tubes poking out of me were squirting with my bodily fluids. Blood and...other stuff. Less red stuff. And the doctors decided to smear it on my face. You know, like tribal paint? Or something, I don't frickin know, I was tied up and whacked out, totally incapacitated.

      There was even more to that nightmare, but thankfully I seem to have blocked it out. At least until my dream picks up where it left off.

      I'm going to Google "medication to stop dreams" and see what comes up. Maybe I can find it in the pharmacy. Side effect, potential death? Yeah, I volunteer. I need rest!

      I am so tired of waking up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed. It's too hard.