...

       The good news is, yesterday I dreamed of my favorite singer again. The concert recording in my dream was 99% the same as it is in real life, except for the last few seconds; in my dream she took a little longer to catch her breath. That was the only difference; everything else, everything, was perfect.

      And then I dreamed of getting bullied, and in my dream, anything goes....so, I strung them up to the ceiling, hauled an elephant-sized alligator into the room, and let him jump at them and snap his gigantic teeth below them like Shrek 4 Dragon. And yes, I am just thinking of that comparison now.

      I haven't gone out much since that day. Joy walks have been cut down to zero, with little temptation to start up again. Not because it was so bad, but because it could have been worse. They could have yelled, "That's the woman who broke into my house!" or something.

      I hate people. I hate getting randomly attacked online, I hate feeling like everybody is out to get me. I was already trying to not be my old, self-conscious, pessimistic self who thought every single person was thinking of how ugly I am, and every plane that went by was a war plane, and every car that drove past would do a drive-by, and every person I walked past on the sidewalk would push me onto the street.... I mean, that fear has never gone away, but I was actually doing much better.

      It was probably no big deal for her, just a cry for attention, but every bad interaction scars me. Last night, I made several enemies online without saying a word. What is it about people? What is wrong with people? I reiterate, 8.3 billion people, and nobody is kind. Well, except for that woman at the cashier, who was grateful I held up a pack of gum and accidentally reminded her to buy some, and the street preacher, probably only because I was kind to her. If I'd said, "Sorry, I'm an atheist," she probably would've given me grief, too. Gosh, in today's world, she probably would've turned it into a racial thing.

      I mean, I'm not a pansy or anything. I don't regret the loss of my 3-year-5-month relationship, but I wasn't the one who ended it over something so trivial that I overlooked my partner's perfectly valid reason for having her position on the matter. This Halloween will mark the one-year "anniversary" of our split, and I'm really okay. I didn't think I would be, but thank god, I still feel nothing. Except confusion, I do feel that. Wondering what everyone's problem is. "Grown women shouldn't walk around practically naked when there's children everywhere," what is so unforgiveable about saying that? I bet my left arm, my writing hand, he would've felt differently if it was his kid. Just because it wasn't.... Fine. I'm a bitch, a truly terrible person, because after seeing a certain physical feature when I was a little girl, I don't think other children should be at risk of an indecent flash. But of course he didn't consider that, consider my reasons, for a moment. Whatever.

      It's better this way. Christ, maybe I should just give up on friend-making. I keep saying it; no good people. I should listen to myself. And I am tempted to delete all my social medias, but I wasn't approached on Facebook (for awhile). I wasn't approached on dA, where I still have one friend. Sort of. We chat every few days, sometimes he says something I dislike, but he hasn't been a prick. And we've been speaking for a little over two years. On Facebook, people keep saying, "Message me," then don't respond when I do, or they say, "Can I message you?" and they don't if I say yes. In the case of Daniel, we spoke, we got along, he expressed interest, then he ghosted me. So....whatever. People suck. Pretty sure this guy on dA is not an outlier, but we'll see. Hell, maybe outliers exist.