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       Life, at least life as I know it, has been sitting steady at merely a tolerable pace. I did something kind of drastic in order to deal with the tedium, and spent almost $100 on a new DVD series I'm still unfamiliar with. Each episode is about an hour; so when I watch it all day, it really helps me kill time. One of the characters is named James, and he strongly reminds me of one of my brothers, whose middle name is also James.

      I had extraordinary luck playing Sorry tonight. I won six out of ten. It was a nice break from being a nine-out-of-ten loser, not like I'm ever sore about it. The trouble with Sorry is that it's the only game we ever play. Not only am I getting sick of it, I'm kind of for-getting how to play other games.

      Back when Need For Speed World was up, circa 2014 (ah, the good old days), I won a race against another player. Now he was a sore loser. He started swearing and threatening my life. Another player reacted pretty much the same way when I said no to a race. It's weird, how young and fragile kids can handle falling down without shedding a tear, and adults can't handle losing a virtual race! What kind of pathetic mess is this world?

      A popular quote is, I weep for humanity. I don't. I just weep for the future.

      Even mine. For reasons I cannot specify, even to a blog nobody reads, it's possible I may have to leave my city. I really don't want to. Everything I know is here; I'm finally able to go out on my own and find my way back. It's taken a whole bunch of years, but I now have the same basic capability as a dog. I don't want to lose that ability by getting thrown into a whole new environment. Again. I am so tired of moving. And for the first time since 2006, I finally know a person I want to call a friend.

      I don't want to move. I don't want to leave this stupid place. For once, I just want to stay.

Adiós

       What a day, what a fucking day. First of all, my computer is going to die. So I'm lucky if I make it through this blog. In addition to that, our hydro was cut all day and our landlords wrong-numbered us! Luckily it got all straightened out before the hydro company closed for the weekend, but we have about $100 worth of food gone bad.

      Anyway, I should click Post before my computer goes black like Sheldon's. I might be offline for a couple of weeks. Not even writing. The power may as well still be out.

The Present Versus Shrek 4

       I'm being subjected to a live feed of some political B.S. about a revolution. And knowing that the Republicans are red like Rumpel-stiltskin's hair, lying about this and that to try and prolong his reign; all I can think about is how very cool it would be if the Democrats were green. Banding together in this revolution to take down the angry, lying, two-faced red leader. We could call it....Trumpel-stiltskin.

A Fine Start

       Last night I had the most amazing bath. Normally they don't calm me down, but I came out so incredibly relaxed and happy. I still had a headache and I didn't even care! And like that wasn't good enough by itself, when I fell asleep, I stayed asleep.

      My dream involved my phobia, naturally, but that was still the best damn day I think I've ever had!

      My game is going pretty great, too. Last night I finally killed off enough Sims to fit them all under one roof, so now I can add the finishing touch to upload them to the Exchange. And if you don't speak geek, I'm going to immortalize them forever so that I don't have to start at the bottom if my computer conks out. Which it will. It always does; you should see it. When I turn it on, the screen sometimes flashes and has green bars. I'm surprised it's lasted me this long.

      You. You who? I don't know why I insist on addressing someone who's not there. But I don't care about that so much, either, because I slept!

...

      I don't even know how to begin.

      I just read a message telling me to go commit suicide. How awful is that? Well, as one who actually was going to, I can tell you it hit home pretty hard. And speaking of home, in the middle of Covid, I may actually have to move.

      I am so tired of moving! Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?! Seriously, my mother is racking up a grand total of one fucking hundred moves! I haven't tallied up how many moves I've made; namely because I know it's never going to last. I'm sitting here literally knowing that if we don't have to move now, we'll have to move later, to another place we'll have to leave.

      I don't know where I had my best and worst days. What I do know is, if there's a permanent gas stain on a driveway, it used to be my house. If there's a house with an elevated bathroom, and you have to sit on the toilet to close the door, my stepfather built it.

      With him long gone, it feels safe now to finally admit something. One of the reasons we had to move so much in my childhood (which has been gone longer than he has, I'll say that much) is because he used to skip out on the rent. I swear, this one house, we moved in and then a week later we moved right back out. If there was a contest for instability, we'd be loaded!

      So that's it. That's my 2020. I could be losing my home, people want me to lose my life, and my family thinks we could all end up on our own. Sometimes I thought it could be nice, to sleep in without somebody dramatically stating that I'm alive every single morning. But I think I still need someone there. Someone who knows when garbage day is, someone who knows when payday is. Someone who can tell me who I am when I forget.

      And okay, it might do me some good to take initiative. Who knows? I used to be worse, believe it or not. I wouldn't go anywhere alone, even into a store with someone I trusted waiting just outside. It blows my mind to look back. It embarrasses me. Now I go out by myself every chance I get, I'm not as afraid as before, and I can even find my way in the hospital. Which is good, because back when I was still figuring it out, I had to help a stranger. It was a learning moment for both of us.

      Oh, good grief. I think my best times are in that hospital. That's where I had to grow and change, it's where I helped that woman, it's where a man helped me.

      He was the sweetest guy. He was like a million years old, he had a bad foot, the ground was covered in snow and actual glass, and he offered to help me to the car. I remember telling him to rest his foot, and I remember his name, but I cannot remember for the life of me if I thanked him.

      Moving sucks. Getting old sucks. I always have to pee, I keep forgetting stuff, and lately I haven't been able to sleep because I get so dizzy when I lay down. My hair is turning gray....and I'm only 28. People think it's so funny. The people who say they love me laugh and laugh like it's the best damn joke they ever heard. We'll just see how funny it is when I forget who they are and die of old age in my forties. I'll probably get a senior's pension before my mother will.

      Well, whatever. I've got to go. We've got the photographers coming much too soon, so....this old fogey better skedaddle. And then when they're gone, I'm taking a nap.

Movie Thoughts

       I never noticed until now, but the 2010 Disney movie Tangled is very much like What A Girl Wants. The main characters both spend their lives knowing something is missing. Following that, they both leave their homes, get taken in by at least one British person, have the potential to become queen someday, have their first kiss on a lake, and give their crowns to someone else. They both play guitar, their motherly figures are both singers, and in both movies the queen makes a late appearance and does not talk. They're even both locked up in a room by a British person. And both movies have twins.

      And obviously they both move into the big house, have both their parents and their boyfriend by their side. Daphne should have com-pared herself to Rapunzel instead of Cinderella.

      Then again, I always thought the typical, locked-in-a-tower princess was way too optimistic. They should be shut-ins. It might have improved Tangled if Rapunzel had been torn between her fear of the world and her love for the light. I mean, I go out into the world all the time, and it's always going to be something I'm afraid of.

      Daphne ventured off on her own without a proper goodbye. You'd think Rapunzel would do the same; sneak off when Gothel is asleep. The rest of personality does not match up with her meek, sub-missive, "Yes Mother" behavior. In every other aspect she's basically fearless. Jumping off a cliff, stealing from a criminal, telling him she trusts him when they've known each other for two minutes. That's not realistic. It's not relatable. And yet, it is every Disney princess...ever.

      Even in Frozen, when true love's kiss was not actually the cure for Anna's frozen heart; she was still no different. Jumping off a cliff, giving her full trust to two different guys. It was nice to see a sisterly love, for once, coming to the rescue, but I would sure love to see a movie where the main female is not losing her mind over some man.

Traumatized

       Yesterday morning I was roped into watching videos of a recent school day in America. It was awful! Kids vomiting, pooping, tripping on vomit and poop. Crying. Cussing.

      You can't benefit from school when you're like that. They need to go home and rest. And to all you Americans, I'm sorry Trump is an idiot.

      To all you people still saying Covid is fake, you're a bigger idiot than he is.