A White Christmas Eve

      Things here are okay. Mostly because all my appointments are done until the 5th of January. That takes a load off. Yesterday was my appointment with the mental health clinic; which was where I was told I was too normal to need to ever go back. So for the whole day, I was floating. And a bit surprised.
      So yeah, I'm normal. I was tested, and I passed. I feel good about that. It's snowing here, and I love snow. I'm fifty dollars richer, and I love that, too! Finally, I can start saving up for an external hard drive or a backup graphic card or whatever it is I decide I want. I mean, it's been a graphic card for as long as I can remember; but a little birdy told me that an external hard drive would be of more benefit, because then I can wipe my computer clean and still have all my work. So right now my mind is a whirling mess of What To Do's. I suppose I could save, and be smart about it; or I can redeem my mother, who bought what I sold in the first place, and be good- hearted about it. So it all comes down to what I always am (generous with whatever money I have), or what I should be for once in my life (smart).
      Well, we're expecting company, and I believe he's here. Just because he's my cousin, I'm going to go say hi.

Portals

      I just got back from shopping; and it was the weirdest shopping trip ever. I'm used to seeing some lookalikes...But today I saw a twin for everybody, including myself; which has never happened before. I saw the future lookalikes for you, sis, as well as Geoff; I saw twins for each brother, and Mom, and an aunt...It was pretty bizarre.
      And it gets weirder. My late stepfather has an identical twin, with the same name. The mother of my mom's boyfriend has a twin, with the same voice and accent. My mom's boyfriend is said to have at least five twins. And you can't tell me you don't see a teensy bit of a resemblance between Patrick Stewart and Ian MacKellen.
      Coincidence...maybe some things are. But all? I think the mothers or fathers of some of these people committed infidelity at one point or another.
      I mean, my twin wasn't necessarily my twin. She didn't look exactly like me, which is fortunate for her. She was probably older, with longer, better hair; a prettier face, a stockier build. Taller, of course; because who isn't? But it was like looking into some weird mirror with the ability to foretell the future. She sort of looked right through me, like I was invisible; which only made it seem more real.
      I have lived here most of my life. I traveled way too much; and yet, I'd never seen any of these lookalikes before. Now I'm sur- rounded by them.
      And still, it gets weirder.
     I saw the next best thing to Shamy. (For all you regular folk, that refers to my favorite couple ever, Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah-Fowler. Sheldon, Amy. Shamy.) He wore a hat of some sort, but I could totally see it. I actually stopped cold and just...looked, like some creepy stalker. She was flawless. Her hair color, her nose, every little detail was exact. I just wanted to throw an arm around them, smile for the camera, and Tweet my heart out.
      It was the strangest sensation ever, looking at the pair...And I thought my last journey to Seven Oaks would be unmatched. I could see fog, and smoke; but it didn't move or fade. It just hung there, perfectly still; like I was moving toward a hologram, or like half the world was a photograph. I'll never forget the feeling I had, seeing that. Like something was horribly, horribly wrong, and I was being taken further and further away from it, and couldn't go back.
      I don't know.
     Personally I guess I'm just too anxious. I finally get what my family has been trying to tell me. I knew I was depressed, but it was sort of a slap in the face to be put on antidepressants. Yet there I was, curled up, wondering when I'd be shot or stabbed each and every time a person walked by me. Wondering which helicopter passing overhead would be the one to drop the bombs. That was me at lunch. That was me on my birthday. That has been me, every day since grade school.
      I'm trying harder to tell myself not to sweat the small stuff, like my dental X-Ray tomorrow. It seems a simple procedure, and it's nothing I haven't had before. I take my medicine, except on busy days when I absolutely need a clear head...The medicine doesn't really hit me until the following day, so naturally there is no hope for a routine. I either sleep well and live my life in complete shambles, or run myself into the ground trying to live the routine of those around me. Let me tell you, neither choice is appealing.
      But I've been talking myself into doing hard shit, because I know I need to grow up and do them. It's the worst thing I've ever done. I fear everything. I fear people. I fear myself. And above all, above flooding toilets and above hanging spiders, I fear dentist appoint- ments. They send me into panic attacks. They make me sweat, shake and wish I were dead.
      But it's just an X-Ray. The real terror is what comes after it. I have nothing to fear; tomorrow's the easy part. I've said that thousands of times and I'll keep on saying it, but I just don't know if it'll make a difference.

Why Do I Bother?

      YouTube SUCKS! It's worse than Myspace. It's a video site; and yet, as soon as I publish a video, they block it worldwide. I don't even know why I try! I gave credit where it was due; I said the whole Disclaimer, I Claim Nothing, and still they pounced on it and made it so literally nobody, not even myself, could watch the damn thing.
      I'm considering just deleting my account. What's the point of having one if they won't even let me use it? I mean, I can watch videos just fine without an account; and besides, it would let me come back on under a nicer username to just make comments if I wanted to.
      I mean, shrekfan92 is okay, I guess. But I've had it for maybe seven, eight years. Maybe it's time to move on. I just don't see the point in keeping something I never really had in the first place.

:)

      Well, even though my night was too short and my morning began too early; my birthday has already been much better than the last. Though it's not all about receiving, I've already gotten ten dollars to spend, ten more dollars in ice cream, a phone call and a text.
      Our old plans were shot out of the window, but that's okay. I think our new plans are even better. I think we're going to drive around and look at Christmas lights. Normally I don't much care for decoration of any sort, especially Christmas decoration which drives me up the wall, but it's an old tradition in my family and brings back some memories.
      I don't even celebrate my birthday for me. I like to think of it as a celebration of the day my family became whole; and the fact that it's on my birthday is just how it is. In truth, I would want to celebrate our family becoming whole even if it were my eldest sibling who was born last.
      But feeling special is a great bonus. Maybe that's the whole purpose behind celebrating this unstoppable thing called age...Not to celebrate Family Day on a fixed day of each year, but to celebrate your family, on your family's personal day. December 6th just happens to be ours. But I also have a weird habit of celebrating all the birthdays of my dead grandparents, as a tribute to their lives and as thanks for my parents'. I mean, I always end up forgetting, only to say "I'll remember next year!" and then continuously forget...But my heart's in the right place. And maybe, one day, I'll remember.
      Two things that could make my birthday perfect are if my brother and my sister could come on over. That would be nice. We could break out the old Crokinole board, make some new videos of us all...I'm not interested in presents, per se; but I do love their pres- ence.
      Sorry. I shouldn't try to make jokes...I'm not often good at that.
      Anyway, I think I've talked to myself enough for a morning. And if not, well, me and myself are always blathering on inside my head while I contribute to actual conversations outside myself. It can be very noisy at times...But I think I'll go get ready for my day none- theless.

Out Of The Fog

      The fog of sleep, that is. This medicine is really knocking me on my ass...and not in the way I hoped it would. Which is the way the doctor and pharmacist both said it would.
      I'm exhausted. More tired than I am without the medicine. All I want is to sleep past 2:30.

Nada

      Well, I went back in on the third...And got no test results. The computers were down...again. It sort of reminds me of the last time I bothered with all this testing, when the dumbasses said, "We have no opinion!"
      But hopefully these guys don't waste my time.

Here I Go Again

      Well, I got no sleep. Big surprise there. But the third is actually going to be a stressful day; my test results are apparently in, and I have to go back down there to see them. I'm actually sort of hoping for bad news, because if this is me in good health, who needs it?