For the past three days or so, life has been even more stupid than usual. Normally it's just the monotony of it all, coupled with being totally broke. Now? It's hot outside, but it's even hotter inside. And my room is ten degrees hotter than the living room. But, out here, we also have a fan placed in the window, so it sucks up all the allergens like pollen and that cut grass smell, making it impossible to breathe. For the past three or whatever days, I wake up, go to the washroom, take a lot of Benadryl, and go back to my room until my allergies settle down.
And then, I do what I have to do. Then I wait for the computer to be available - but I don't play my favorite game until, well, now - because it's the only way I can play it to a finish. Otherwise I'm interrupted, and I forget...I'll never reach my goal that way.
Doesn't sound like much of a reason. Not even to me. But earlier this week, my mom said that my brother, she and I are just three idiots waiting to die. Well, if that's true, I'm going to make the wait more fun by doing whatever the hell I want. Might as well, you only live once, right? And surely there's more to life than what she does - work three minutes, take a break, work three more minutes, take a break, make a giant mess and forget about it, yell at others to keep their place spotless, get plastered, go to sleep.
I'm going to make sure I die happier than that.
There are things I want to do. Things I'll never be able to do, because Canada is...not fun. I want to throw on a lifejacket, get on a Sea-Doo, and go racing through the waters. Feel it spraying on my face. Then come to land, have a roasted marshmallow, watch the sun go down. Sleep under the stars - on a trampoline, or on a stationary boat, I don't care which.
Canada is not fun like that. I don't think we have Sea-Doos. If we did, I'd probably have to go to Vancouver just for a damn boat ride. And then what? Come back? No thanks. I want to live on the water. I want to be away from all this. Traffic...people...Sirens.
I want to live on a boat, and die on a boat. And I want a whole lot of wild, nautical fun in between. And knowing the poten-tial danger of being snapped up by a shark, or an octopus, that only makes it seem more dangerous. More fun.
I want to be out there, experiencing nature firsthand. I'm tired of tapping away on a keyboard. Unless weight gain is a side effect, nobody cares what the hell I do. I need to stop trying to impress people and just...live. The things I mentioned - that's life. This is just pitiful. I'm pretty sure we're down to four slices of bread, and we're all out of soft foods I can eat. We're running low on cheese, and our pizza bread went stale two days ago. The soup I could eat? We gave it all away to a neighbor who was even more needy. And of course, now, he's doing even better than we are, getting a check every week! Can you imagine having that kind of money? I sure as hell can't!
Well, that's not true. I can imagine, but that's all I can do.
Hell...I've been out of shampoo for a week, and I still have thirty-some hours left to go. I can wash my hair with liquid soap, but I can just feel the dandruff coming back.
I think tonight I'm going to skip the gaming session. I can already afford most of the treasure chests - I can afford to lose a night. I still have until June 30th. Tonight, I'm going to watch a movie I haven't seen in too long.
And tomorrow, I plan on celebrating my grandmother's birthday by following her recipe to make doughnuts. She's dead, but I'm still going to do this. And the day after that...I really, really hope I can buy a summer dress and matching sandals. I've never had that before. I had lime green gum boots, and a shirt with two puppies cuddling at the beach. And yellow pants. It was awful. Maybe that's why I didn't have a lot of friends?
And then, I do what I have to do. Then I wait for the computer to be available - but I don't play my favorite game until, well, now - because it's the only way I can play it to a finish. Otherwise I'm interrupted, and I forget...I'll never reach my goal that way.
Doesn't sound like much of a reason. Not even to me. But earlier this week, my mom said that my brother, she and I are just three idiots waiting to die. Well, if that's true, I'm going to make the wait more fun by doing whatever the hell I want. Might as well, you only live once, right? And surely there's more to life than what she does - work three minutes, take a break, work three more minutes, take a break, make a giant mess and forget about it, yell at others to keep their place spotless, get plastered, go to sleep.
I'm going to make sure I die happier than that.
There are things I want to do. Things I'll never be able to do, because Canada is...not fun. I want to throw on a lifejacket, get on a Sea-Doo, and go racing through the waters. Feel it spraying on my face. Then come to land, have a roasted marshmallow, watch the sun go down. Sleep under the stars - on a trampoline, or on a stationary boat, I don't care which.
Canada is not fun like that. I don't think we have Sea-Doos. If we did, I'd probably have to go to Vancouver just for a damn boat ride. And then what? Come back? No thanks. I want to live on the water. I want to be away from all this. Traffic...people...Sirens.
I want to live on a boat, and die on a boat. And I want a whole lot of wild, nautical fun in between. And knowing the poten-tial danger of being snapped up by a shark, or an octopus, that only makes it seem more dangerous. More fun.
I want to be out there, experiencing nature firsthand. I'm tired of tapping away on a keyboard. Unless weight gain is a side effect, nobody cares what the hell I do. I need to stop trying to impress people and just...live. The things I mentioned - that's life. This is just pitiful. I'm pretty sure we're down to four slices of bread, and we're all out of soft foods I can eat. We're running low on cheese, and our pizza bread went stale two days ago. The soup I could eat? We gave it all away to a neighbor who was even more needy. And of course, now, he's doing even better than we are, getting a check every week! Can you imagine having that kind of money? I sure as hell can't!
Well, that's not true. I can imagine, but that's all I can do.
Hell...I've been out of shampoo for a week, and I still have thirty-some hours left to go. I can wash my hair with liquid soap, but I can just feel the dandruff coming back.
I think tonight I'm going to skip the gaming session. I can already afford most of the treasure chests - I can afford to lose a night. I still have until June 30th. Tonight, I'm going to watch a movie I haven't seen in too long.
And tomorrow, I plan on celebrating my grandmother's birthday by following her recipe to make doughnuts. She's dead, but I'm still going to do this. And the day after that...I really, really hope I can buy a summer dress and matching sandals. I've never had that before. I had lime green gum boots, and a shirt with two puppies cuddling at the beach. And yellow pants. It was awful. Maybe that's why I didn't have a lot of friends?
My allergies are acting up, too — but they’ve never been as bad here as they were when I lived there. I’m just very itchy today, and it’s a little hard to breathe sometimes, but I’m not clawing my eyes out and choking, so . . . better here than there! :p
ReplyDelete“... earlier this week, my mom said that my brother, she and I are just three idiots waiting to die. Well, if that’s true, I’m going to make the wait more fun by doing whatever the hell I want. Might as well, you only live once, right?” — That kind of thinking is a big part of the reason I left; I didn’t see anything changing in my life as long as I lived there, and it was getting depressing. Mom saying stuff like that doesn’t help at all; if she’s bored, maybe she should do something — as she said to us a million times, there’s always housework. (Not helpful, I know, but maybe if she hears it now she’ll understand how little we (?) appreciated it back then.) And no one really knows if we only live once, but why not live like that’s true? Try everything, regret nothing, try to be good, and appreciate surviving mistakes by learning from them. :)
She doesn’t sound happy at all ... so I can’t imagine you are. I doubt L. is, either; when he posted pictures on Facebook of his new suit, I hoped he was going to say something like, “Bought this because I’m going to a friend’s wedding” (or a sister’s, or having one of his own) and Mom burst my bubble and told me he bought it so he could be buried in it. For crying out loud.
I’m sorry if this sounds mean, but ... you shouldn’t say our beautiful country isn’t fun if you don’t leave the house (and I don’t mean just to go shopping; I mean, do the things you want to do, and if they don’t meet your expectations, then complain about them, not a whole country). Canada is brilliant, and I hate hearing anyone insult it, especially people who live here. Having said that, I know how you feel; when I lived with you guys, I also felt like there was nothing beyond the walls of home, nothing but rape and murder and all that scary stuff; I couldn’t imagine anything fun because we couldn’t afford to even get our hopes up. When I moved here, we did a lot of those things; to have marshmallows (and hot dogs!) roasted on a campfire while the sun sets; to go out and have a campfire and watch the stars until it’s really late (we don’t do much water stuff, but I prefer land; however, we’re surrounded by lakes and a lot of people do go out there and do water stuff, so we could if we wanted to), sleep in a tent ... my depression lifted like someone pulled a heavy, horrible blanket off of my whole life, and I had fun — more than that, though, I felt really young again, like everything was new to me. Suddenly there was a ton to see and hear and experience and learn, and it was fantastic. It sounds like you need a good, long vacation, or to move out. Maybe even just getting away from the family and trying something new by yourself would be helpful? Go exploring, maybe - there’s SO MUCH to see and do! :)
It sounds to me like you don’t want to live where you do anymore, and I get that; our family has always moved a lot, and to be in the same city for so many years must be annoying (I love having lived here for six straight years, though). And it sounds like Mom and L. depress the hell out of you; hearing the things they say depresses me, and I don’t even live there anymore! I know suggesting a vacation/moving out isn’t really helpful, if you can’t afford a vacation or don’t want to leave family behind, but ... it doesn’t sound like you’re at all happy where you are, and that feeling will probably build up until you act on it, anyway, so maybe thinking about it now wouldn’t hurt.
DeleteI hadn’t planned on ever moving out when I agreed to move here, and yet, I’m not sure I could ever live the way you are again — I miss you all (a lot) and I even miss that city, but I can’t live under Mom’s rule anymore; last time we visited she was still treating me like a kid, and that doesn’t work for me, nor does her trying to force acceptance of her boyfriend on me. She babied me until I moved out, and I was sick enough of it back then. A seventeen-year-old who has never caused any trouble shouldn’t have an eight o’clock curfew (or was it seven? Either way, it seemed ridiculous, and even then, it was only a suggested curfew; I never actually got one.) I would be grateful to live with her if I had no alternative, but ... yeah. Moving here changed me a lot, and the experiences I’ve had since moving here have changed me a lot more. I’m about as close to grown up as I can be right now, and I know I have more growing up to do — and that I won’t get such a chance if I live with Mom. I knew it when I moved out, too; that had something to do with ‘why’ ... :p
She's always happy (until she's drunk). She just knows how to complain. The minute she gets her hands on a booze bottle, she gets all angry and weepy. She's the only one who doesn't realize that her wine is the majority of all of our prob-lems. Financial, emotional, maybe even physical - maybe the wine is what's making her feel so ill. Maybe it gave her liver problems, but she keeps on drinking.
DeleteI remember watching that episode of 6teen, where Caitlin informs Nikki that her curfew is 11:00. I was baffled, thinking Why, WHY would somebody let their daughter be out and about with who knows who, just one tiny little hour away from midnight? I did not understand, and I still don't, because even now Mom doesn't like leaving the house past noon. Heaven forbid I want to go downtown at 3. A curfew? I don't even have one because we're always back before nightfall. Maybe I need to scare her in order to prove that I'm not a child. Maybe I need to get on a bus at like 4 PM, and go someplace alone. I wouldn't do that in the winter, when it's black as night by 4 PM, but right now the sun doesn't set until 9ish.
True, I am judging before I've even seen much beyond Mission. But to go all the way to Van-couver for a boat ride...All in all, I wouldn't even mind getting into a hot air balloon. I just want something different, something new and exciting. I just feel like I'm wasting my whole life. Hon-estly, if I moved out, I think that feeling would resolve. But she showed me the shopping list, and said that my money bought everything on it. Their money goes to rent. Without me they would either starve to death, or be homeless. That's pretty much the only reason I haven't taken off.
That sucks :(
DeleteI had the impression she was drinking a lot, but I guess I hoped it wasn’t as bad as I thought, that our strict upbringing was making it seem worse than it was . . . but I guess not. How do you think she would she react if it was suggested that she attend an AA meeting?
“A curfew? I don’t even have one” — Well . . . that’s because curfews are for children. You’re 24 now, and will be 25? You can go anywhere you want, do anything you want, and there’s really nothing she can say about it. Especially if they truly rely on your money to make ends meet. Just because she likes to be home before nightfall doesn’t mean you have to be :)
Also, if they honestly need your money, why would they threaten to kick you out when you aren’t robotically following orders? Either they need your money or they don’t; something’s not adding up right. I wouldn’t be too surprised if they just didn’t want you to leave; I think they’d feel like less of a family with all the younger members gone.
Having said that, it’s not exactly smart to be out after dark, especially if you’re alone — not just in Mission, but here, too, and everywhere else. Humans can’t be trusted, and there are tons of wild animals around (grizzlies have been spotted pretty close here; G. doesn’t like me to go out alone, even to take out the garbage — so I don’t). If I want to go for a walk at night, he likes me to take a knife with me. Other times, I walk during the day, sticking to my usual route, and I leave details of what I’m wearing in case I don’t come home. Sometimes I even walk to the nearest little store, past the schools (without a knife, of course); I figure it’s one of the safest routes to take; lots of houses, lots of potential witnesses and rescuers.
I’m sure there are a lot of interesting, exciting things you could do in Mission — how I miss living in a city sometimes! You want to be bored, come here; you can’t buy a pair of socks in this town (though you can buy shoelaces). The shopping here is limited to necessities (clothes apparently don’t count) but we have a lot of nature, so I guess it all balances out. I bet there are art classes, music classes, dance classes . . . swimming lessons, other kinds of lessons . . . maybe you could try some volunteer work, or get a job (unless your earnings would be deducted from what you already get), or even just test your limits a little and go for walks. Hypocritically, I’m not crazy about you walking alone, but Mission seems to have attracted a lot of crappy people, and I don’t want you to get hurt, no matter how dull and depressing ‘home’ is. If I was there, I’d go for walks with you (but of course, if I lived there, I’d have to get a job; no doubt Mom would expect me to pay rent and stick to her rules, which doesn’t sound like it’d work out. If I pay rent, my space is private, and I’ll do what I want within it (within reason — I’m not a drinker, drug-user, or party girl, and I’m typically clean and quiet anyway, I think; if I’m paying rent like an adult, I’ll be treated like an adult or I’ll leave). I don’t mind doing chores, I don’t mind doing my own cooking, I don’t mind being quiet and clean, but if I’m doing all that and still being told when to go to bed, we’re gonna have problems.
I know I rant about that a lot, but I guess I wish you were the one saying those things sometimes — mostly when I’m reading one of your entries and I know you’re unhappy. It just doesn’t seem to me like anything is going to change unless you change things. Every kid goes through this, usually much earlier — I started ‘rebelling’ when I was between sixteen and eighteen; it only happened a few times, but I think it helped Mom and maybe even Dad see that I wasn’t a child anymore and that treating me like one wasn’t appropriate anymore. I think if I’d been the well-behaved little girl they’d gotten used to up until the day I told them I was leaving, they would have seriously doubted my ability to take control of my own life. I think I remember Mom saying something like that — that Dad expected me to come running home within the week, and that Mom wanted to forbid me from leaving but knew I’d probably leave with or without her approval. (I’m not so sure I would have, but now I’m glad I did; I feel as though I’m a better, stronger person now, even if I do miss you guys like crazy.)
DeleteWhen you left, you were younger and more sheltered than you are now. But I knew you wouldn't come back in a week. I knew you were ready, and I envied that. I'll be thirty in six years and I'm still not ready. But I am more willing than I was seven years ago. I know my way downtown and back, I know how to get my own cart, and I'm actually talking to people. Hell, I'm considering getting my license. And not just for a car - for a motorbike. Like I said, there are things, things that seem crazy or stupid or scary, and I really want to do them at least once. Trying new stuff is what makes life fun, right?
DeleteI'm not an ideal roommate, but I'm better now. Until I get angry; then I kind of get rude. I definitely wouldn't call myself submissive - I follow my own rules, I sleep when I'm tired, and I stay up all night if I'm not. I don't obey anymore. There's more to life, there has to be. I know Mom's a farmhouse pioneer, with a 5:00 curfew and an outhouse, no landline, no washer or dryer; but I like to think I'm very, very modern. I like to think she and I are not the same. I'll never drink, or smoke; I'll never do drugs even if it is medicinal. I just have the habit of doing exactly the opposite of what someone tells me to do, just because I don't need to follow house rules anymore. I'll do my part, but not because I'm a puppet - because I want this living together thing to work.
The other day Mom actually said she was the boss of me. She said she was in charge of me, and I can't forgive her for that. Growing up, I thought she was the best mom, and maybe she was once. I guess all things change, and sometimes it's the worst kind of difference.
We miss you like crazy, too. That won't change. I hear you can't come down next month. That really sucks. Hopefully another time.
It sure is fun :)
DeleteYeah, I get that; I hope you didn't get the impression I was implying you were a puppet; it wasn't my intent :p
I agree with that, too; you're past the age where a mom is a boss - I'd feel she was 'my' boss if I lived there rent-free, but as a rent-payer, no ...
That's true, can't be there next month ... with all the money spent this year taking care of G.'s family, there's just nothing left to go anywhere :( Another time, definitely!
I know you weren't implying it. I was. If they could make it without me I'd be long gone. And one of the reasons would be to do all those crazy things. Mom tends to hold me back because of my epilepsy. She asks if she does, says she doesn't want to, but she does. I understand her fear, I had it too; but I'm over it now.
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