So Far From Good

      The lawn is being cut right now. There goes the effect of my medicine. If I had known the grass would be mowed, I would have waited until it was done.
      Life is pretty sh**ty right now. I started an Extra Strength allergy medication, but it's hardly working. I actually sneezed so hard blood came out, and I'm on a liquid diet because I can't breathe through my nose. A lot of people don't know this, but when you don't have teeth, chewing food takes longer. I figured I would resort to liquids until I don't need to hold my breath as I eat.
      The windows were all wide open until I closed them. Between the three of us, we surely must have killed forty spiders in the past two days. About half of them were making webs. See, all this is why I hate, hate, hate summer. And it ain't even here yet.

-

      For the past three days or so, life has been even more stupid than usual. Normally it's just the monotony of it all, coupled with being totally broke. Now? It's hot outside, but it's even hotter inside. And my room is ten degrees hotter than the living room. But, out here, we also have a fan placed in the window, so it sucks up all the allergens like pollen and that cut grass smell, making it impossible to breathe. For the past three or whatever days, I wake up, go to the washroom, take a lot of Benadryl, and go back to my room until my allergies settle down.
      And then, I do what I have to do. Then I wait for the computer to be available - but I don't play my favorite game until, well, now - because it's the only way I can play it to a finish. Otherwise I'm interrupted, and I forget...I'll never reach my goal that way.
      Doesn't sound like much of a reason. Not even to me. But earlier this week, my mom said that my brother, she and I are just three idiots waiting to die. Well, if that's true, I'm going to make the wait more fun by doing whatever the hell I want. Might as well, you only live once, right? And surely there's more to life than what she does - work three minutes, take a break, work three more minutes, take a break, make a giant mess and forget about it, yell at others to keep their place spotless, get plastered, go to sleep.
      I'm going to make sure I die happier than that.
      There are things I want to do. Things I'll never be able to do, because Canada is...not fun. I want to throw on a lifejacket, get on a Sea-Doo, and go racing through the waters. Feel it spraying on my face. Then come to land, have a roasted marshmallow, watch the sun go down. Sleep under the stars - on a trampoline, or on a stationary boat, I don't care which.
      Canada is not fun like that. I don't think we have Sea-Doos. If we did, I'd probably have to go to Vancouver just for a damn boat ride. And then what? Come back? No thanks. I want to live on the water. I want to be away from all this. Traffic...people...Sirens.
      I want to live on a boat, and die on a boat. And I want a whole lot of wild, nautical fun in between. And knowing the poten-tial danger of being snapped up by a shark, or an octopus, that only makes it seem more dangerous. More fun.
      I want to be out there, experiencing nature firsthand. I'm tired of tapping away on a keyboard. Unless weight gain is a side effect, nobody cares what the hell I do. I need to stop trying to impress people and just...live. The things I mentioned - that's life. This is just pitiful. I'm pretty sure we're down to four slices of bread, and we're all out of soft foods I can eat. We're running low on cheese, and our pizza bread went stale two days ago. The soup I could eat? We gave it all away to a neighbor who was even more needy. And of course, now, he's doing even better than we are, getting a check every week! Can you imagine having that kind of money? I sure as hell can't!
      Well, that's not true. I can imagine, but that's all I can do.
      Hell...I've been out of shampoo for a week, and I still have thirty-some hours left to go. I can wash my hair with liquid soap, but I can just feel the dandruff coming back.
      I think tonight I'm going to skip the gaming session. I can already afford most of the treasure chests - I can afford to lose a night. I still have until June 30th. Tonight, I'm going to watch a movie I haven't seen in too long.
      And tomorrow, I plan on celebrating my grandmother's birthday by following her recipe to make doughnuts. She's dead, but I'm still going to do this. And the day after that...I really, really hope I can buy a summer dress and matching sandals. I've never had that before. I had lime green gum boots, and a shirt with two puppies cuddling at the beach. And yellow pants. It was awful. Maybe that's why I didn't have a lot of friends?

!

      I am on a cloud. Since I posted the picture of my game, I have collected 1,420-something more coins. My goal is to get to 10,000 before the final day of their sale - if they do that again, and then spend, spend, spend! I have the glowing crown and the matching glowing sword, but there are other glowing items to match that I hope to chance across. Like the glowing wings.
      It'll suck, being broke again, but I have waited all year to see if JuneBud would do another June sale. I'm hoping it's annual; and if it was a one-time thing, I guess I can save. Either way, it sounds like a win. I'm just dreading having to sit here, opening 356 boxes one at a time. And most of them require a double-click because they have two prizes. Some even have three. But I really, really want to get rid of all those treasure chests.
      And once that's done...that account is finished, really; until someone informs me on how I can unlock the five worlds I haven't discovered yet. I think I need to defeat one of the biggest, meanest enemies to get there; in which case I would have to spend more gems than I have - 2.6 million, almost. I'm collecting as fast as I can, but the special ammunition is ridiculously expensive. Five bullets cost five grand, and each shot takes three bullets. I might be thirty before I can defeat his big robot ass. But once I have no more treasure chests to open, I won't even care that I can't access five other levels. Well, six, but one of them requires membership, which requires real money.
      In all truth, I have a few accounts on Facebook...I know at least one other has more lockboxes I want to clear. The game is great, but it's lacking some options, and one of them is to sell treasure chests. Note to self: Stop collecting them. I've mastered that; once I achieve my goal I'll only collect what I can afford to open.
      I'm sorry. I don't like to admit this, but I'm nerdy as hell and need another hobby. I do hate sounding like Eugene Porter, with all this damn game talk. I do have other hobbies, I swear. Earlier today I wanted to bake; maybe by now it's cool enough.

...

      It's been raining more lately. I can recall three storms since April. The first was the best; the thunder was so loud it shook everything, and the streets were just rivers. It didn't last long, but it was intense. I hope we have another storm like that. Except longer.
      Things here are...monotonous. Sleep has improved, but that's all that's different. I dreamed that Anna and Elsa were racing on a road Elsa made icy, and their cars collided and she flew off the cliff and into the water. And just before it happened, I heard myself thinking - "The crash is coming up, it's going to happen. Don't wake up just yet."
      Um, what? Do I want to watch people die? Am I that sick?
      My books are giving me no end of trouble, as usual. Apparently I can't focus if the font style isn't in Garamond, stupid as it sounds. It doesn't read back the same in another style. I have written at least two new poems and am working on a third.
      And that's about it. I'm strongly considering going back to bed thirty-eight minutes away from noon, because I clearly won't miss out on anything. And that's just one reason to try and get more sleep. I could sit here and spout one reason after another, but they won't seem like reasons to you. My baggy, burning, twitching eyes will say something different.
      Used to be I wouldn't even notice how tired I was. Maybe I wasn't even tired, but until I really look back and remember my youth, it seems like I've always been old. Always tired, never happy or healthy even. But life was good like that in the time of dolls, and cardboard castles. My mom once made me a doll out of cotton and old clothing, and the damn thing was bigger than I was. I took it everywhere. I think I even danced with it.
      I can remember a time my sister and I shared something called a playroom. Remember what that is? The smell of crayons, and clay; toys constantly underfoot. Windows that don't open. Not a single piece of furniture in sight. Back in the day when throwing the blanket on the bed was good enough, and it was the worst thing ever if your food touched your food. You weren't allowed to chew gum until you understood how, and you lived on the promise that one day you'd be retold all those jokes that were too adult at the time.
      Well, newsflash; I still don't know what was so damn funny.

...

      I watched a video called "Try Not To Laugh". And it was the worst piece of pucky on the web. I was expecting...humor. Instead? A talk show guest is laughed at by the host when he speaks, because his vocal cords were affected during surgery. Poor thing was very insulted. And then this other guest stands up in the audience and starts berating the host; but his vocal cords were damaged and it only made him laugh even more. The assbag was laughing so hard he was crying! The best part of the whole show was when the audience started scorning the host, and clapping when the two guests told him off.
      That whole thing was a flashback. Bottom line is, he got fired and his show was cancelled. I was heartbroken, watching that arro-gant cow pile giggle over the result of a surgery gone wrong - which was making the guest and his friend and every audience member with a heart, cry! I just wanted to leap through the screen and kick the host in the nuts.
      I don't think I've ever been this sad before. I just wanted to hug him. A grown man from a tough country - perhaps - but you should have seen the look on his face.

Boundaries! Standards! LAW!

      I made a friend last night and right away it was obvious he was no different, calling me love and sweet pea and other mushy names I can't stand. Felt like a night like any other - until I learn that he is really a ten-year-old girl.
      I'm still in shock. I even told her to stop hitting on strangers and to be careful, and she keeps calling me those things. You know, when I was ten, my biggest concern was having enough playtime outside. I had one crush, but it was on a boy my age and I lost interest when I realized he already had three girlfriends, and they actually liked sharing him. I haven't had a crush since. I mean, I've looked. At men and women. But I don't take it any further than that and I don't know if I ever will.
      People like this girl...They're reckless. I warned her to be careful - I can't do anything else. It's up to her guardians now. I think I'll just delete her; what else am I supposed to do? I am four-teen years older. Further communication would be a mistake.
      And maybe she's not who she says she is. You're thinking that, right? Me too. It's no damn consolation.

...

      Had a pretty good day. The weather was nice, we had ham-burgers for dinner, I played some Sims 3, watched a lot of The Walking Dead. I even finally washed my hair. It had been too long. Unfortunately, once in awhile I find it hard to care about anything. It all seems so trivial sometimes. I said once that the monotony in my life was ludicrous, and that hasn't changed much. I still haven't run through the tide barefoot, or lay on a trampoline looking up at the stars. I haven't done anything of the most value to me. My days run in an endless circle. I've been to the ocean once - when I was a toddler. I remember some of it, but most of that day is gone. I didn't even enjoy it; that much I know. The ground was rocky and it was hot. It wasn't what I would call relaxing.
      I went to Kamloops once or twice. The drive seems to get shorter the more you go. I remember walking with my cousin Heather, looking up at these amazing mansions with pools and porches and outdoor furniture. I remember her house, and being afraid of her dog. Hell, I remember when I jumped up on my school desk because I was afraid of my classmate's goat (it was show-and-tell). I remember when my neighbor Taylor accidentally dragged me into the ditch and I got a broken thumb. I remember my neighbors Keisha and Elisha catching bugs with me, skipping rope with me, trying to stay with me even when we had different classrooms. I remember...my Asian friends teaching me Marco Polo in a dark bedroom because we were all afraid of water, following a stray cat, playing outdoors until I got dizzy and had to take a break and they were still outside waiting for me when I recovered. God, I miss them so much.
      That's what life should be about. Having a hell of a good time, laughing until you get dizzy, and then getting up and laughing even harder. I used to do that.
      How can friendships just die the way they do? I blame time. Time and distance. You move away and you forget. Until you rem-ember. I wonder if they look back from time to time. I hope they do. I hope they remember my name.

Sharing A Photo

      This is from the game I thought I'd never play again. I just wanted to commemorate the day I collected my six thousandth coin! Well, after spending a million. I'm finally saving up. I don't know if I'll spend it when their June sale rolls around...It felt amazing to get this far.

 

Untitled

      Feeling kind of yucky tonight. Actually, for the past five days or so. Symptom Checker relates how I feel to a stomach flu called gastroenteritis; and the symptoms are extremely yucky. I have shyt to do, especially tomorrow, but I'd rather throw up and take Tylenol.