Post 500

       Wow, halfway to a thousand? Gosh, I'm a nerd. Well, I've heard of going out with a bang, but today started with one. I was sleeping, for once, actually sleeping without pain. A bang woke me―a pretty gentle bump, like when you walk into the table. I was convinced I heard laughter, so I was indecisive about peeking out to check. Until I heard the crying. So I decided, I better at least ask. Turns out, my mother fell (for the second time that night, I learned), cracked her head, arms, ankles, and legs on pretty much every hard surface in the house, and collapsed by the door to cry. (She is going through so much right now; it's not just the falls, don't be ignorant.) I didn't even see her at first, because of the dining table; I just heard her and knew she had to be close.

      Luckily, no blood and very little pain, at least not from the falls. A little redness seems to be the only result. Well, redness and possibly a concussion; afterward, I had her sit, made the porridge and coffee she wanted, but she kept nodding off in her chair, almost falling off. She nearly burned herself by deciding to pick up a candle from the top, I had to snark at her and then she thought it was a good idea to blow it out (candles evidently cut down on cigarette smoke; my brother didn't want her near all those concrete steps in the dark). And, she was blabbering barely-audible nonsense. Some-thing about a nice wall and a wet lake, I don't know. Which is true, lakes are wet. No nice walls in this house, though. Not to mention she "had been pushed by an evil spirit." If I were religious I'd agree; she had been on the couch, suddenly she's on her ass and the couch and coffee table are on different angles. Quite a tumble she must have taken. Little lady actually pushed the couch back all by herself.

      Ah, hell, no one ever reads these. She's severely swollen from the waist down. Each toe looks like two toes and her legs are so dis-tended, they're shiny...and kind of lumpy. There are 40 pounds of swelling and it is getting worse. So I've been worrying that her throat will swell, block her trachea, and she'll suffocate. Now I'm thinking she might have swelling in her brain, causing the confusion.

      I'm also beginning to agree with my brother on having her live in a home. I think she was probably sleepwalking; she used to as a kid, and I certainly find it more plausible than evil spirits. I'd insist on her to text me when shit like this happens, but there's no point. Not only because apparently she won't, but because she doesn't know the difference between my Facebook account and my phone. I'm a dinosaur, okay, I'm happy with my little flip phone that can only make and receive phone calls and texts. Apparently "don't text my face" is too complex.

      Speaking of my Facebook. I have you in my pic, too, now, sis. If you want me to change it back to just me, you're going to have to talk to me.

Whoo!

       I feel good! Not pain-free, I feel like my arse'll fall off. But I finally, finally got my bath in. I was even able to get dressed! Yay! I smell nice...finally. I couldn't do it properly, I couldn't even sit, but it makes a difference for sure. I was legit wondering if I could ever have one again. Yucky!
      Bro seems to be recovering. But my mother seems to be worse. Her face is swelling now, and because the doctors haven't even attempted to drain the fluid, I'm worried her throat will swell up on the inside and block her trachea. She went to the hospital again a few nights ago, she's going today and again tomorrow, and my brother, a giant who may as well be made of metal, is going with her, and I want him to block the door and force the docs to do something. But gosh, I'm just sweet like that.

Health (Or The Lack Thereof)

       So I think I may need back surgery. It's been an issue now for about a year; I went to the hospital months ago and received very little care; 12 hours, one bottle of pills I didn't need to show for it. They didn't even work. So here I am, in complete agony; it took me three hours to sit up, fifteen minutes to stand, and about ten more to put on my slippers. I'm okay if I just don't move or sleep, ever...

      And that's just me. My mother's been in and out of the hospital since before May. They keep having her stay overnight due to serious issues, and then kicking her out before she can recover. And if you're thinking I'm exaggerating about the pills I don't need... Here's what they did for my mother. They gave her erectile dysfunction pills, and for my male cousin, they prescribed estrogen. I mean, why? In what universe does that make sense?

      And now my brother may have a head cold! So all the shit is hitting the fan all at once. Nobody is happy right now, everybody's been crabby and sniping at one another, and now on top of all that, there's a pyromaniac setting fires, possibly city-wide... I actually got to see a bench burn.

      Gah. One thing. One thing that is right. How the hell is that a great expectation? Why can't my brother feel healthy, or my mother get better?

      On the other hand... I am happy that it's my back, and not my kidney again. That's actually nice.

Sound FX

      I recently started playing two new games on Roblox, and right away I noticed something cool; they have sound effects from The Sims games in them. They're not related to the series, so either that one little sound is just similar or it's downright stolen. I'm not going to ask.

      One of the games is a space simulator. On the moon, there's a little dome where you can take off your space suit and eat apples, but if you click on a locked door, it makes the same sound in The Sims 3 games when you try to pick up an object that you can't, or you try to build a wall too close to the edge of the lot.

      The other game is an ocean game that lets you be sharks, whales, little fish, or a penguin. But if you cruise up to the surface, you'll hear a sound that's only heard in The Sims 3 if you happen to have the MultiTab 6000. When you direct your character to listen to a tabcast (which allows them to build skills while doing something else), you'll hear the same voice on every channel, and there's a very distinct "Huh!" sound that also appears in this Roblox game.

      ...It's weird.

...

       My list of favorite dreams is short; I'm crushing Poet And The Pendulum with Floor Jansen, Jeffrey Dean Morgan has his hand on my shoulder inside a planetarium, I'm on the beach, and a man is singing a song from The Sims 3: World Adventures, only he's changed it; it's slow, and sad, creepy, and really cool, because it fit with the dramatic scene happening in my dream.

      Yeah, I dream about the Sims, which is exactly the point of this post. Fast-forward to this morning, where I dreamt that my Sim-self (who I do play sometimes) was minding her own business when another Sim started sobbing about how tired she is. Instead of being oblivious to her cries like Sims really are, my character (who is a doctor in my save) went over to her and started... I'll say doctoring her, because nursing her just sounds wrong.

      It looked like The Sims 3, they moved like The Sims 3, everything even had that annoying, surrealistic glow from the full moon, but they were not indifferent or joyful about one's suffering. In my dream, my Sim wanted to help.

      I don't believe dreams have a special message, or that I have a purpose, but maybe this one does mean that I like medicine and want to help people. I know I like science, which I guess is kind of the purpose of the planetarium. And I like music, and beaches. I especially like Floor Jansen and Jeffrey Dean Morgan.

      Man, though, that Floor dream... That's my new number one dream. Well, not "new," it goes back awhile. But I don't think it can ever be outdone. The other contenders on that list come pretty damn close, but hey, I sounded good with her. It's totally not realistic, but if I could pick my dream, I'd pick that one every night! I mean, I'd rather not wake up and interrupt her, but I suppose that's not a choice.

...

       Oh, yeah. They definitely believe me. Toilet flooded, water everywhere. I shouldn't have had that juice. My brother, the handy-man of the family, got it fixed up again, but my mother, the drinker in the family, tried helping by tossing rags at him instead of just bringing towels.
      I should not have to be nervous about going to the bathroom. Every time. I wish I were a Sim; I'd read a couple of books and figure out how to make it unbreakable.

      But finally, she wants to talk to the landlord about it. Why listen to me when I've been talking about it since October?

      Whatever. They believe me. It's a good thing. They're suffering, and it's a good thing because they know I'm not a liar. Well, my brother just called me one in jest, but he was kidding, so that's fine. It doesn't suck at all... Well, maybe a little. I try to be kind, it's easy to be honest, but fine, call me a rude liar. At least I'm not the blind, ignorant one. I would think he'd go a little easier on me, since I've been ghosting a friend who called him a liar, but I guess he just hates me that much.

      Yeah. "He was kidding," like that matters. Maybe there are no good people.

...

       Well, it's taken them this long. But finally, finally, they believe me about the toilet! About bloody time. Really just thought I'd share, because I am just ecstatic that they no longer think I'm delusional or "making it up," because why the hell would I? Now there's actually another problem, though, the same problem we used to have; we flush it, and the noise just...stops. If you want the tank to fill, you actually have to run water at the sink. Seems to, I don't know, reset it or something. I hate living in a house that is almost as old as my grandparents.

      But at least now they believe me. Still not about the giant wolf spider, even though they have had to kill them, too. I don't know why they make me out to be such a liar, my own flesh and blood. I also don't know why they can't show me the same courtesy I extend them. Not touching their stuff, not going into their bedrooms without permission. But maybe respecting my space and calling me by my full name is just asking too much.

      Probably wondering if I have anger issues. The answer is yes, and the addendum is, gosh, I wonder why. Sure like to go one day without being spoken over. I honestly think if I didn't get pay checks, I'd have been out on my ass a long time ago. I don't even know why; other than playing the occasional game and the noise of my fan, it's like I'm not even here. I'm not happy, no, but it's been almost my whole lifetime since I went to the ocean or had a friend. I've never been on vacation. My family thinks family reunions count, but they don't. They just want it to, so their list of achievements looks longer than it is.

      Maybe I'm too miserable to be around. Or maybe nobody likes to hear the truth. Guess I'll never know. I could even ask the worldwide web and not get a straight answer. My brother would. My mother would, my sister would, the homeless guy in the ditch with his hand down his pants would. People treat me differently, they always have. I'm sick of it, but it's just never going to change.

      All I can do is wonder what I'll be interrupted or accused of lying about next time. I think I have found a decent place to end it all, though, so silver linings.