I think I've lost all my literary passion. No matter what I write, no matter how much fun I have writing it, upon revision it just stinks. I did improve the beginning and fix up two or three mistakes, but that's the most work I've done to my book in a week. I once found a book that had been lying dormant in storage for three years, nowhere near complete; and in 2011 or whatever I'd thought it was my best work yet. Total garbage, as usual, and that's exactly what's happening now.
Maybe I'm just wasting time.
My mother says my talent is Checkers. I don't want my whole life to come down to a game! Not unless I can make a living off it. But I want to write. I have these ideas and characters and even my own little world. Countries, cities, rivers, valleys. I want them to come to life, and it's just not happening; everything is so dead.
Honestly I don't even know why I bother. Maybe it's because there are people out there who write, sing, dance, and make up the funniest jokes. Or they paint, sculpt, and they're also doctors. I just want to be one of those things, and they can do all of it.
I feel so unimportant. If I died right now, I wouldn't leave behind anything everlasting. My brother recently told me that when all humankind is extinct, our voices will still be heard, because of parrots. I was hoping I had a talent, but I don't. Goddamn, I want a parrot.
The only reason I ever got an email account was so I could hang out on MSN Messenger, and people would see my name come up and know that I existed. And when I discovered online gaming I did that too, so people would see my avatar. It became my whole reason for getting out of bed, because I had nothing else to offer, though not for the lack of trying my hardest. I've written my whole life. And all I've gotten from it is stress.
Every time I try to write....I try my damnedest to sound like a different person. Not because I'm trying to write in the perspective of one, but because I hate the way I write. Something about my style is so...loathsome. It's simple, undetailed, and incredibly immature. In 2017, when I first began rewriting my first book I intentionally left out all the detail and promised myself that I would add it in later. But it doesn't work like that, because none of the detail fits.
I've tried script format, but I ended up not saving that because A.) I need to describe the scene, and B.) if I want to upload them to FanFiction.Net, they don't allow script format. Which is stupid, because it shouldn't matter how I write it as long as I'm the one who wrote it. You know, it never fails to amaze me how many stories on there are just scripts from the movies, and people say, "Love your work, so original! Keep it up, friend; you're the absolute best!"
I have spent my whole life writing and I'm just not excited. My books bore me to tears. And I can't dance or paint, either; I've tried. And I don't even want to try sculpting; I stab myself doing the dishes.
Guess I better break out the ol' Checkers board. At least I can do something no one else in this house can do. I just thought it would be something that meant more. You know, the other day I caught myself thinking that skiing and hurtling through the water on a motorized boat looked pretty fun. I've always wanted to para-chute, or at least take a hot air balloon ride. I did have the opportunity to ride a horse once, and maybe now I'd give it a try. I am so sick of how boring and unfulfilling life is. I've been able to find reasons to get out of bed. A show. A movie. My dead grand-mother's birthday. But it's just not enough.
So far my bucket list is only two items long. Meet An Idol, and...Remember Second Item. Shit, I just had it. Oh, yes - Write A Book, that's what it was. My money says I'll meet an idol before I get published.
I need more food. And more comedy. I know just the thing.
Maybe I'm just wasting time.
My mother says my talent is Checkers. I don't want my whole life to come down to a game! Not unless I can make a living off it. But I want to write. I have these ideas and characters and even my own little world. Countries, cities, rivers, valleys. I want them to come to life, and it's just not happening; everything is so dead.
Honestly I don't even know why I bother. Maybe it's because there are people out there who write, sing, dance, and make up the funniest jokes. Or they paint, sculpt, and they're also doctors. I just want to be one of those things, and they can do all of it.
I feel so unimportant. If I died right now, I wouldn't leave behind anything everlasting. My brother recently told me that when all humankind is extinct, our voices will still be heard, because of parrots. I was hoping I had a talent, but I don't. Goddamn, I want a parrot.
The only reason I ever got an email account was so I could hang out on MSN Messenger, and people would see my name come up and know that I existed. And when I discovered online gaming I did that too, so people would see my avatar. It became my whole reason for getting out of bed, because I had nothing else to offer, though not for the lack of trying my hardest. I've written my whole life. And all I've gotten from it is stress.
Every time I try to write....I try my damnedest to sound like a different person. Not because I'm trying to write in the perspective of one, but because I hate the way I write. Something about my style is so...loathsome. It's simple, undetailed, and incredibly immature. In 2017, when I first began rewriting my first book I intentionally left out all the detail and promised myself that I would add it in later. But it doesn't work like that, because none of the detail fits.
I've tried script format, but I ended up not saving that because A.) I need to describe the scene, and B.) if I want to upload them to FanFiction.Net, they don't allow script format. Which is stupid, because it shouldn't matter how I write it as long as I'm the one who wrote it. You know, it never fails to amaze me how many stories on there are just scripts from the movies, and people say, "Love your work, so original! Keep it up, friend; you're the absolute best!"
I have spent my whole life writing and I'm just not excited. My books bore me to tears. And I can't dance or paint, either; I've tried. And I don't even want to try sculpting; I stab myself doing the dishes.
Guess I better break out the ol' Checkers board. At least I can do something no one else in this house can do. I just thought it would be something that meant more. You know, the other day I caught myself thinking that skiing and hurtling through the water on a motorized boat looked pretty fun. I've always wanted to para-chute, or at least take a hot air balloon ride. I did have the opportunity to ride a horse once, and maybe now I'd give it a try. I am so sick of how boring and unfulfilling life is. I've been able to find reasons to get out of bed. A show. A movie. My dead grand-mother's birthday. But it's just not enough.
So far my bucket list is only two items long. Meet An Idol, and...Remember Second Item. Shit, I just had it. Oh, yes - Write A Book, that's what it was. My money says I'll meet an idol before I get published.
I need more food. And more comedy. I know just the thing.
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