Last night I finally put a different game into the GameCube machine, switching it up from Shrek Smash 'N Crash Racing to Shrek 2. I'm great at compromises, aren't I? And I finally made it to the part where Fiona gets stolen. I learned how to control Dragon, but I always got stuck at the same part. Ten times. Finally I shut it off, but I was so happy I made it as far as I did.
And some other weird stuff happened in SSCR. Like one of those Farquaad boxes just disappearing. It had the sparkly cloud thing you see when it gets run into, but I was in first place. Nobody had hit it. And my frog balloon flew waaay too high; it was just a speck on the screen. I knew it wasn't dirt because I saw it die. I also saw a castle guard get airborne.
Last night I also planned my book. For once my writing was aligned at the side. Normally it leans. It still looked like a child wrote it, with a foot, but at least the edge was tidy. The plan seems easy enough, but each time I write it, it's another dis-appointment. Big surprise. Think I might just call it quits for the fourth day in a row and just watch some Toy Story. However I have been stuck on the first sentence in the first chapter on the first page for about seven years now...I think I should just accept what a total failure I am. Maybe I'm meant for something else. Or maybe I've made it too complicated. But complicated doesn't mean im-possible, does it?
Well, for me it might. I'm dreading the next few days of my life just because I need to walk down to the bank, and then figure out this bus schedule because my mom relies on me...for some reason. I don't know why she can't just call the number right there on the paper and make sure we won't get lost. It is never a good idea to trust me. It is always, however, a good idea to trust the people who are confident they know what the hell they're doing.
Had a yucky dream last night. I've had it before. I went for a jog in my day clothes, even though it was snowing and there was half a foot on the ground. Climbed a hill and realized a cop was chasing a gunman on foot. When the gunman went down the hill, I climbed up and for some reason, my hand bumped into a light switch on the tree. I thought for sure the gunman would kill me, but no, he took off his own head. And there it was, just looking at me.
I prefer the dream before that one, where my family and I got separated in this massive building, filled with nothing but toilets and hallways and empty rooms. There were balconies everywhere and I stood on one, watching this baseball game from the other side of a large chain link wall kind of thing. I know why that was in my dream; I've been hit in the head with too many baseballs and even my dream self was skittish. But we ended up at that building after a bus ride and a bear sighting, and called the building a campus, so I'm pretty sure that was because I've seen Monsters University about fifteen times. Ten, since I bought it last month. I just can't get tired of it.
I am getting tired of being awake, however; and I do need to wash my hair before The Big Day. I know the walk will be good for me...I just don't wanna. It's been really fucking hot, and I just don't feel safe here. I can't. And something I don't believe my family, the reason I'm going in the first place, hasn't taken into account is that with both of us gone, our wheelchair-bound mother will be alone. Can't trust her to be alone, either. What if she falls, or gets hurt, or...wants to drive and has nobody here to stop her?
She often speaks of wanting to drive drunk. My best argument is that if she hits a car carrying a pregnant woman, she could very well cause a miscarriage; and seeing as how she had nine of them, how rude it would be of her to inflict it upon another woman. I don't want to be petty, but I do want her to stop and think. I want an answer besides Who the hell cares? So on the other hand, maybe a walk with my brother would be nice.
And some other weird stuff happened in SSCR. Like one of those Farquaad boxes just disappearing. It had the sparkly cloud thing you see when it gets run into, but I was in first place. Nobody had hit it. And my frog balloon flew waaay too high; it was just a speck on the screen. I knew it wasn't dirt because I saw it die. I also saw a castle guard get airborne.
Last night I also planned my book. For once my writing was aligned at the side. Normally it leans. It still looked like a child wrote it, with a foot, but at least the edge was tidy. The plan seems easy enough, but each time I write it, it's another dis-appointment. Big surprise. Think I might just call it quits for the fourth day in a row and just watch some Toy Story. However I have been stuck on the first sentence in the first chapter on the first page for about seven years now...I think I should just accept what a total failure I am. Maybe I'm meant for something else. Or maybe I've made it too complicated. But complicated doesn't mean im-possible, does it?
Well, for me it might. I'm dreading the next few days of my life just because I need to walk down to the bank, and then figure out this bus schedule because my mom relies on me...for some reason. I don't know why she can't just call the number right there on the paper and make sure we won't get lost. It is never a good idea to trust me. It is always, however, a good idea to trust the people who are confident they know what the hell they're doing.
Had a yucky dream last night. I've had it before. I went for a jog in my day clothes, even though it was snowing and there was half a foot on the ground. Climbed a hill and realized a cop was chasing a gunman on foot. When the gunman went down the hill, I climbed up and for some reason, my hand bumped into a light switch on the tree. I thought for sure the gunman would kill me, but no, he took off his own head. And there it was, just looking at me.
I prefer the dream before that one, where my family and I got separated in this massive building, filled with nothing but toilets and hallways and empty rooms. There were balconies everywhere and I stood on one, watching this baseball game from the other side of a large chain link wall kind of thing. I know why that was in my dream; I've been hit in the head with too many baseballs and even my dream self was skittish. But we ended up at that building after a bus ride and a bear sighting, and called the building a campus, so I'm pretty sure that was because I've seen Monsters University about fifteen times. Ten, since I bought it last month. I just can't get tired of it.
I am getting tired of being awake, however; and I do need to wash my hair before The Big Day. I know the walk will be good for me...I just don't wanna. It's been really fucking hot, and I just don't feel safe here. I can't. And something I don't believe my family, the reason I'm going in the first place, hasn't taken into account is that with both of us gone, our wheelchair-bound mother will be alone. Can't trust her to be alone, either. What if she falls, or gets hurt, or...wants to drive and has nobody here to stop her?
She often speaks of wanting to drive drunk. My best argument is that if she hits a car carrying a pregnant woman, she could very well cause a miscarriage; and seeing as how she had nine of them, how rude it would be of her to inflict it upon another woman. I don't want to be petty, but I do want her to stop and think. I want an answer besides Who the hell cares? So on the other hand, maybe a walk with my brother would be nice.
At this point, it's not about her; if she's past the point of caring what happens to her AND she doesn't care what she does to other people, she needs help. Stopping her drinking would be a good start; a therapist wouldn't hurt her at all.
ReplyDeleteIt goes past 'rude' to harm someone; it's illegal. Driving drunk is also illegal. It's not petty to want to stop someone from hurting themselves or others. I think getting out would be good for you both, though.
I can't believe how messed up things have gotten, and so fast :(
Stopping her drinking is much easier said than done. We have tried, but she gets violent. We don't want her stabbing people again, so we've decided to just go with it and give her as many refills as she wants. It makes her sleep more.
DeleteIllegal? Definitely. But it would also be rude if she just didn't care. Seeing as how she went through it herself.
It might be time to get her some professional help ... I know it might screw you guys financially, but it sounds like you're kinda screwed either way ... ?
DeleteThe thing is, if she drinks and drives and kills someone, and she survives, she'll regret it. I think she'd also be a criminal. If she also dies, or even if everyone is 'just' hurt ... there's just no good way to put it; she can't be allowed to keep drinking if she's putting other people in danger while drunk or because she thinks someone hid her alcohol.
Can you e-mail me about this? I'd like to know what would happen if Mom was forced into a treatment of some kind - would you guys not be able to pay the rent, or is it more of a "we're hoping she'll get better on her own" thing? I don't want to interfere, but if she's really that bad, I think I might have to. (Added benefit: I don't live there, so if she's mad at me, it won't change anything.)
Take care of yourself, and of Lorne ... if he'll let you :p
I can email you, but it would be nice if you and Lorne both agreed to a three-person conver-sation, either on Outlook or Facebook. He would be able to provide more answers.
DeleteI don't think she'll get better on her own. All I know is that, unless we misread the paper, her finances will be cut in half. It's already hard enough keeping the cupboards full and the bills paid. So we're definitely screwed.
As for Lorne he doesn't need my help. He's the tough one, the smart one, the strong one. We're so different, I swear I'd just be underfoot.
Thing is, with how much money we're getting, it should work. But with a whole month ahead of us, we have less than $500 to work with. You want to know how many bottles of wine she's gone through? 87. And not in total. I mean in the past two months. They fill up the garage, they line the stairs, there's a little collection by the door. And as usual she's passed out on the couch. Has been on and off for three, four weeks. Been drunk for six; got drunk once and stayed that way.
I love her, and I worry about her; but I'm also certain that 68% of her problems are because of her addiction. I think if she took better care of her body, it would return the favor.
Three-person conversations on Facebook would be great; any idea if he's willing, has suggested it?
DeleteHer finances *will* be cut in half, or is that only if something happens? :o
87 in two months?? Are they big ones? What kind? Just wondering, because usually the stuff's not cheap, but I think some brands cost more than others . . .
I'm glad you called it an addiction; I do think that's what it is, but that's an outsider's guess (my opinion, I mean). :|
I think it would be best if we just invited him to join us. Mom always asks "Who are you talking to?" and a three-person conversation between her kids might seem suspicious.
DeleteI'm not sure. I'm hoping she's entitled to more, but the whole thing was above my understanding. I think we can make rent this month.
Yes, they're big. And maybe eleven, twelve dollars per bottle. That's a lot of laundry we couldn't do, a lot of milk we couldn't buy.
Definitely an addiction, no doubt about it. Maybe a dependency. I can't even remember when last I saw her sober. In fact she's sitting here ordering wine again. I just hope it's all coming off her tab, because we just had payday and we're pretty much broke again. If this keeps up she'll put us all on the street.