Well, Mom's talking about suicide again. I can't help but wonder if it's the only way to ease her suffering. Every doctor, every ER says she's perfectly healthy; but she's still vomiting, fainting, for-getting where she is, and now she's having accidents, too. And I don't mean on the road.
I mean, how would I feel in her shoes? I've wanted to die when I was perfectly healthy, just because my life was going in circles. But if I started vomiting on and off for 4 weeks, fainted behind the wheel and in public, made a mess on myself - wouldn't I want to commit suicide, too?
I'm always saying how very much I want to choose how I die. I don't want to die at the hands of a stranger. I sure don't want to die in a hospital. I want to die when I'm ready, and I don't want to be saved because I only want to die once.
And now I hear somebody else, somebody I love, speaking the same way. It's frightening to be on the other side of the situation. But I understand it. We don't even want our dogs and cats to suffer. We shoot horses for broken legs. Yet we lock up people who are ready to die, call them crazy, and let them wallow in self pity; cutting off most social interaction and deeming them unfit to be around.
Humans are cruel and hypocritical. You know, all our lives we're told we need to make our own choices. When it comes to the biggest one, the most important one, it's taken away. And we're locked up and put on medications because we tried to think for ourselves.
I'm not trying to sound callous. Of course I don't want my mother to die. But even more, I don't want her to suffer.
Am I the only one?
I mean, how would I feel in her shoes? I've wanted to die when I was perfectly healthy, just because my life was going in circles. But if I started vomiting on and off for 4 weeks, fainted behind the wheel and in public, made a mess on myself - wouldn't I want to commit suicide, too?
I'm always saying how very much I want to choose how I die. I don't want to die at the hands of a stranger. I sure don't want to die in a hospital. I want to die when I'm ready, and I don't want to be saved because I only want to die once.
And now I hear somebody else, somebody I love, speaking the same way. It's frightening to be on the other side of the situation. But I understand it. We don't even want our dogs and cats to suffer. We shoot horses for broken legs. Yet we lock up people who are ready to die, call them crazy, and let them wallow in self pity; cutting off most social interaction and deeming them unfit to be around.
Humans are cruel and hypocritical. You know, all our lives we're told we need to make our own choices. When it comes to the biggest one, the most important one, it's taken away. And we're locked up and put on medications because we tried to think for ourselves.
I'm not trying to sound callous. Of course I don't want my mother to die. But even more, I don't want her to suffer.
Am I the only one?
I’m on the fence on this topic; I figure I’ll start with that so you know not to expect real answers from me. (If we were having this conversation in letters, mine would be a waste of paper.)
ReplyDelete1.) — I’m sorry to hear she’s doing so badly. I’m wondering right now if it’s a genetic thing; I’ve had a few accidents myself, and a few very close calls. Maybe she should talk to a relative who might know some of the family’s medical history — not someone who will gossip (as though we have any relatives like that) but someone who may have heard some . . . ?
On the topic, do you think I should come back to help out? (A better daughter would already be on her way, but better daughters can probably afford to travel. Regardless, if you think she’s running out of time or that I can help — not just her, but you and Lorne — tell me, okay? I’ll see what I can do.)
2.) — I know how it feels to be on ‘the other side’ of the suicide situation — to hear people talking about it like they really want it. Unfortunately, I still don’t know what to do, except say a load of nice things to that person and hope they overcome depression.
I only know of one person who has thought about suicide and even come close to ‘succeeding’ (I’ll put that in quotes because it’s truly debatable whether that’s the appropriate word, despite how often it’s used on the suicide subject), and I wonder if Mom would benefit from talking to someone. Maybe not a counsellor, but someone who has experienced what she’s feeling.
3.) — Suicide is hard to talk about. I’m truly torn on the subject; I think a very sick person without any family or friends, especially someone without any hope of recovering, should have the option. Their suffering is for no one’s benefit, not even their own. I think, in that situation, it would be acceptable. However, I also believe that a person who still has family and friends, a person waiting on test results, should not; Mom doesn’t know yet what’s wrong (if I’m up-to-date), and she’s not alone. I think I’d be more angry than upset if she chose to end her life while (as far as I’m concerned) there’s still hope for her. The doctors may yet find something that fixes her right up — and if so, we should then focus on her obvious depression OR (I’m sorry to suggest this, like I’m some psychiatrist or other expert) the possibility that she’s only talking about suicide to get our attention.
I’m not there, obviously, so I’ll be the first to say that I have no real idea what I’m talking about, and feel free to tell me to shut up . . . but I want to say a few things first. One is, prevention is the only way to save her life; if she’s truly suicidal and honestly considering it, she needs help before she does something no one can fix. If you tell a doctor that she’s having those thoughts, I’m sure they could give you far better advice, and probably some phone numbers for other people you can talk to. I think she might feel a lot better if she talks to someone, lets some of her emotions out. I really don’t want this to be one of those situations in which people sit around with a “wait and see” attitude and then something awful happens and they spend the rest of their lives regretting their inaction. (I’m tempted to make the calls myself, but I think they’ll laugh at me when they find out I haven’t even seen her in three-and-a-half years.)
DeleteAnother thing I feel I should say (and also feel silly for saying) is . . . please keep an eye on her. Anything she could use to hurt herself or others should be monitored while she’s using / near them, and kept away from her if she’s in a violent mood like she was before, when she hurt Lorne. Don’t put yourself at risk; if you think she’s a danger to herself or to others, call for help. And if it comes to that, I think police will be immediately helpful and doctors will be especially helpful afterwards.
I know I sound dramatic, but suicide isn’t a joke, and if Mom is serious, she needs help. If she’s not, maybe she still needs help. It really sounds like she does, and not just for whatever’s wrong with her physically.
I hear she has another appointment tomorrow — I hope she gets some answers. Even if the answers are bad, at least we won’t be sitting here clueless and dreading all the possibilities, those in our control and those that aren’t.
Feel free to call me if you need or want to; you have the number, right? (On the topic, I kind of need your phone numbers; I think they’ve changed since the last time I had them, and with the possibility of evacuations rising, I’d like to be able to contact you if necessary.)
Love you, sis.
I love you, too. And I would be thrilled if you came...but not under these circumstances. I want you to enjoy visiting us, but she still has the occasional bout of violence. At least, verbal abuse. I don't want you to be on the receiving end. I'm not sure how much time she has left; it could be forty more years. On that note, Lorne and I have discussed putting her into a home. Taking care of her is a 24-hour job. I thought, since I sleep better in the day, we could do it in shifts...But she more often than not calls for me, even though he's stronger than me and closer than me. Since 1:00 AM this morning, she has taken up residence on the living room floor. I'm sincerely hoping she just starts crawling everywhere, because we're not always there to catch her when she falls. Couple of nights ago, she was on the floor crying for help for two hours. I honestly think she needs to be in a home. It's not hard just on her.
ReplyDeleteWe are not sure if she's serious. All I know is that she truly believes she's dying. She keeps saying, God's got me. I think she might be a bit of a prima donna.
Lorne called the police when she stabbed him. He could have pressed charges, and chose not to. He did say, however, that if there is a next time, he will take action.
All in all, it is your decision to come down or stay there. I think you would be better off staying put; not just because of what's going on here, but because we're also on a pretty dangerous street now.
I'll email you the phone numbers.
Wow, that's sad ... and incredible, and terrible ...
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