...

      I don't even know how to begin.

      I just read a message telling me to go commit suicide. How awful is that? Well, as one who actually was going to, I can tell you it hit home pretty hard. And speaking of home, in the middle of Covid, I may actually have to move.

      I am so tired of moving! Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?! Seriously, my mother is racking up a grand total of one fucking hundred moves! I haven't tallied up how many moves I've made; namely because I know it's never going to last. I'm sitting here literally knowing that if we don't have to move now, we'll have to move later, to another place we'll have to leave.

      I don't know where I had my best and worst days. What I do know is, if there's a permanent gas stain on a driveway, it used to be my house. If there's a house with an elevated bathroom, and you have to sit on the toilet to close the door, my stepfather built it.

      With him long gone, it feels safe now to finally admit something. One of the reasons we had to move so much in my childhood (which has been gone longer than he has, I'll say that much) is because he used to skip out on the rent. I swear, this one house, we moved in and then a week later we moved right back out. If there was a contest for instability, we'd be loaded!

      So that's it. That's my 2020. I could be losing my home, people want me to lose my life, and my family thinks we could all end up on our own. Sometimes I thought it could be nice, to sleep in without somebody dramatically stating that I'm alive every single morning. But I think I still need someone there. Someone who knows when garbage day is, someone who knows when payday is. Someone who can tell me who I am when I forget.

      And okay, it might do me some good to take initiative. Who knows? I used to be worse, believe it or not. I wouldn't go anywhere alone, even into a store with someone I trusted waiting just outside. It blows my mind to look back. It embarrasses me. Now I go out by myself every chance I get, I'm not as afraid as before, and I can even find my way in the hospital. Which is good, because back when I was still figuring it out, I had to help a stranger. It was a learning moment for both of us.

      Oh, good grief. I think my best times are in that hospital. That's where I had to grow and change, it's where I helped that woman, it's where a man helped me.

      He was the sweetest guy. He was like a million years old, he had a bad foot, the ground was covered in snow and actual glass, and he offered to help me to the car. I remember telling him to rest his foot, and I remember his name, but I cannot remember for the life of me if I thanked him.

      Moving sucks. Getting old sucks. I always have to pee, I keep forgetting stuff, and lately I haven't been able to sleep because I get so dizzy when I lay down. My hair is turning gray....and I'm only 28. People think it's so funny. The people who say they love me laugh and laugh like it's the best damn joke they ever heard. We'll just see how funny it is when I forget who they are and die of old age in my forties. I'll probably get a senior's pension before my mother will.

      Well, whatever. I've got to go. We've got the photographers coming much too soon, so....this old fogey better skedaddle. And then when they're gone, I'm taking a nap.

Movie Thoughts

       I never noticed until now, but the 2010 Disney movie Tangled is very much like What A Girl Wants. The main characters both spend their lives knowing something is missing. Following that, they both leave their homes, get taken in by at least one British person, have the potential to become queen someday, have their first kiss on a lake, and give their crowns to someone else. They both play guitar, their motherly figures are both singers, and in both movies the queen makes a late appearance and does not talk. They're even both locked up in a room by a British person. And both movies have twins.

      And obviously they both move into the big house, have both their parents and their boyfriend by their side. Daphne should have com-pared herself to Rapunzel instead of Cinderella.

      Then again, I always thought the typical, locked-in-a-tower princess was way too optimistic. They should be shut-ins. It might have improved Tangled if Rapunzel had been torn between her fear of the world and her love for the light. I mean, I go out into the world all the time, and it's always going to be something I'm afraid of.

      Daphne ventured off on her own without a proper goodbye. You'd think Rapunzel would do the same; sneak off when Gothel is asleep. The rest of personality does not match up with her meek, sub-missive, "Yes Mother" behavior. In every other aspect she's basically fearless. Jumping off a cliff, stealing from a criminal, telling him she trusts him when they've known each other for two minutes. That's not realistic. It's not relatable. And yet, it is every Disney princess...ever.

      Even in Frozen, when true love's kiss was not actually the cure for Anna's frozen heart; she was still no different. Jumping off a cliff, giving her full trust to two different guys. It was nice to see a sisterly love, for once, coming to the rescue, but I would sure love to see a movie where the main female is not losing her mind over some man.

Traumatized

       Yesterday morning I was roped into watching videos of a recent school day in America. It was awful! Kids vomiting, pooping, tripping on vomit and poop. Crying. Cussing.

      You can't benefit from school when you're like that. They need to go home and rest. And to all you Americans, I'm sorry Trump is an idiot.

      To all you people still saying Covid is fake, you're a bigger idiot than he is.

Update

      Hello, nobody. It's me again, nobody.
      My life is going fine. I've been busting my ass on my book; which has gotten to 230-some odd pages. And I'm only on chapter thirteen! And nowhere near finished. Hey, what's up with this wacky new pre-post layout? Not crazy about Facebook's new look either. To quote Sheldon, "Everything's changing and it's simply too much."
      I went to the store yesterday; what a wild walk that was. These kids came in with their skateboards, left them just lying all over the place, and then on my way back a group of bikers almost ran me over. They weren't looking where they were going and I had to jump out into the street. Darn kids. Little tip; watch where you're going. Don't even do it for other people, you egotist; do it for yourself. Just because your head is a hot air balloon, doesn't mean you can fly.... you're still earthbound where there's traffic.
      Much too soon and running on no sleep, I have to do it again. I'd like to not. What I really want is to drink hot chocolate and watch something new. But nothing's been updated yet....and one sip of hot chocolate would land me in ER. I think at this point we can all agree, it sucks, being unable to do the things you want. In fact there are many things I want! To say something profound, to not feel tired, to hear from a relative I don't live with. Preferably not the ones spreading a rumor about me. Well....that's the thing with religious folks; they make up their own truths. I was stunned when I heard what they were saying; I've never been included in gossip before.
      It's actually nice, in a twisted way. It makes me feel like a different person. I've been needing that my whole life.

....

      So I finally got my Sims 3 working again. Actually, that's incorrect. Turns out it was working the whole time. All I had to do was start a new game. Now it's running just fine; no missing content, no missing options, no objects with missing interactions. I guess all my other saves became corrupt. I'm playing now without even one expansion pack and it seems to have fixed all the problems. It feels so weird and so good to be playing again. But, my ports die with annoying frequency; forcing me to restart my computer, typically every second time. It's pretty hard to play that way, but at least I'm playing.

      I also tried to give Young Sheldon a chance. But after nine-year-old Missy started flirting with her sixty-something doctor, it lost its appeal really fast. Hopefully I can find a different show that deserves to be seen. I've been checking into Chicago MED, but I spend most of the time cringing and looking elsewhere.

      So just since January I've read all five Partholon books, completed two marathons of Friends and one marathon of Fresh Prince. I rearranged my bedroom and now I'm on season four of another Big Bang Theory rerun. I've made wonderful cookies, horrible fudge, and pudding that's rather chewy. And about every second day, I lose interest in my home life, put on my mask and go out. I'm fine so far, keeping my distance and being hygienic; which is more than I can say about the rest of the world. My brother actually saw some idiot pick up a discarded mask covered in phlegm and put it on her face.

      I don't know why people don't believe or understand that pandemics can happen, germs can spread, and they can die. It's like they think it's a joke.

      The only joke I see is the assumption that sense is common....

Fanbashing Memoirs Of A Geisha....Again

      I've been thinking again about Memoirs Of A Geisha. I love the movie, or at least most of it; but the more I think about it, the less it makes sense. I wrote about this here already, five months ago; about Hatsumomo being a pointless character—in that she has "never even had a patron," yet has also "earned back her purchase price," "brings in good money" and "was a maiko once." This totally implies that she has become a Geisha, while simultaneously tells us that she has not earned the title because she does not have a danna.
      But more has occurred to me. Mameha tells Mother, "If Sayuri erases her debt in the time allowed (which she does), you will have no part in her future earnings." Yet, Mother keeps "all 15,000 yen to (her) estate." But we can put that aside for a second, because the biggest plothole is this: The highest bidder for Sayuri's mizuage is the baron, but Mameha "lets it go to Dr. Crab." Unless the baron's bid was higher than 15,000 yen—which would mean that she sabotaged her sister's okiya—it would mean that Mameha had to pay off the difference, giving Sayuri money that no one else could ever know about. Unless I'm mistaken, Mameha is a criminal, Sayuri is a mule, Mother is a thief, and Hatsumomo is pointless.

      Can anyone tell me I'm wrong?

AAAHHH!

      I'm so excited. I just got back from Wal-Mart with my friend and my mother....and don't worry, we wore protection. The last time I went to a big grocery store like that, there was still snow on the ground!

      But I finally got everything I need. And want! And I finally got out of the house, so today is looking pretty damn good. I even got my brother his favorite drink, which can only be found in Wal-Mart. It's been months since he's had it. I passed on a movie with his favorite actor, because he has Netflix...which means he owns every movie, ever made. I don't understand why he needs a DVD player and a smartphone, too.

      Nonetheless, I think I'm going to have a good day! I wish they could all be.
      And I started using an Android emulator. I can access all my games and more. If I had money, I could be playing Need For Speed World, right now.
      In my dreams....

Putting The Quit In Mosquitoes

      If I may quote Mr. Potato Head, "You would not believe what I've been through tonight." I mean, holy fuck; this is totally ridiculous. I'm killing two mosquitoes every minute. I literally killed six in just one visit to the washroom.

      My body feels like Braille.

     This is why I've come up with a new nickname for myself. Killing Spree. It's fitting, because my initials are actually KS and, well, come on. Nobody else can even see the mosquitoes here; they're either blind or I'm just that good.

      If you'll excuse me, writing this pathetic dot of text has taken almost five minutes and I need to catch up. Maybe later when I'm applying medicine to all these bites, I'll tell you what they say.

YAAAGH!

      I deleted and reinstalled The Sims 3 tonight, hoping it would fix at least one of my many issues. It crashed at the loading screen. I tried The Sims 2. It's prohibited!
      I AM GOING TO BE SO BORED!!!

Carrying On And Blundering Through

      Life is pretty meh lately. Nothing in my game is working right, and all the other games suck. So I've been focusing more on my writing, which sucks too, but at least my errors can be quickly erased.

      I've gotten to the 26th page of my sequel to something I haven't posted yet. It's going alright, but I miss the days when everything was working the way it should. Recently my content started appearing again, and I realized how lame the game is without it. It's still not working, but I can see it now and not use it; which takes all the fun out of playing. I can't even enjoy them anymore. I've been consid-ering trying to repair it with a mod....but I've heard so much negativity about them that I'm not sure it would be worth it.

      I'm also the only one without one of those fancy iPhone what-evers. Every single day, my mother and brother are right here beside me, tapping away; and I've got very little to do. I've watched the entire Friends series twice this year, Fresh Prince once, and my mother is usually going through the entire series of MASH or Big Bang Theory at a rapid pace. It feels like she can watch both franchises front to back seven times a week.

      I think I might start just leaving the house. Put on my gloves, and my mask, and just get away from all this nothing. Every day is the same thing. The same conversation, the same foods, the same shows. I'm starting to understand how Hawkeye felt when he started screaming "We want something else."

Oh My Actual FUCK.

      This is like a horror movie. My mother just gave her bank information out to a stranger. She's insanely drunk and now it's out there. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! How do I stage an intervention?

On The Brink

      I thought I was bored already. But I recently learned that in addition to the games I lost already; pretty soon I won't be able to play Scrabble, and another game I used to play has been made for iPhones only.
      I need something fun now more than ever, and everything is going away all at once. Pretty soon, all I'll be able to do for fun is play Sims. And with all the malfunctions, I haven't been able to enjoy it. My GameCube takes about thirty attempts to actually get past the loading screen; and then it usually conks out at the halfway point.

      Of course I have been planning three different books at once. And one of them is actually starting to make sense. Maybe if I procrastinate enough, I can get through quarantine without totally losing my mind.

      I've been thinking a lot about the extra money; and a bookcase big enough for all my books would be a pretty good choice. If I can pull it off, I'd love to get an iPhone, too. It apparently has a lot more to offer. But I would need some kind of reminder not to try and flip it open.

A Great Morning

       Since my last blog post I actually had to walk to the bank and back again. And I didn't even hurt as much or get as tired. Hell, I seem to be more tired when I don't go anywhere.

      I haven't slept in about two days. But this morning is actually awesome. We have got more money than ever thanks to C-19. Who knew it could be a lifesaver?

      We've been firing a few ideas back and forth; but I think the best one is to reserve it for emergencies. And if, after C-19, we have to pay it back....well then we are rightly and truly screwed. My fingers are crossed, because this is the big break we've been waiting for.

First Day Out

      Today I had to walk all the way to the bank, then to the other bank, then to the 24-store near the first bank, then up every hill in town, up my steep driveway, and finally up the steps leading to the front door. My feet and hips are killing me. But, even though I did not have a mask, and had to take off a glove to use a debit machine when I mistakenly thought it was interfering with my password; I am still healthy, or so it seems. I would most likely be showing symptoms by now.

      It was spooky out there! It felt so apocalyptic. It was raining, and we took a shortcut past the basketball court, which has been closed down. There were very few people for the majority of our walk. When we got downtown, I saw one man wearing a mask, and zero people wearing gloves, aside from myself. Even my mother just had her winter gloves on, and I suppose they could be porous enough for the virus to get through; but still, she wouldn't dispose of them. So I hope they were in her laundry basket today.

      We saw the stupidest thing; and if this applies to you, then just stop it. We saw that instead of picking up after their dogs, they made these tiny signs that tell you it's dog poop, and they stuck it into the pile. What is this world coming to? What the actual hell is everyone's problem?

      And what's mine? I'm 27 years old, and I'm getting gray hair. Google says medical attention is recommended, but I'm not willing to go into a sick pit until A.), people learn how germs spread and decide to give a shit, or B.), the cases diminish drastically. But I hear there was a huge increase in the U.S. overnight.

      In any event, I appear to still be healthy; so tonight I'm going to start reformatting my newest story for Fanfiction.Net. I'm so proud. The story may suck, but since last month I have written seventy pages, or exactly 24,700 words. That's a pretty big deal; most of that was written in the extremely early morning. My game is also going well, in a kind of ironic way. My Sim Shannon was always going to be a firefighter. I gave her the Brave trait as soon as it became available. And she was voted Most Likely To Save The World. Then, on her eighth day on the job, she accepted the First Kiss interaction from a total stranger who just happened to be standing outside the fire hall. She got the Naughty reputation because she is also involved with a high school student. And I saw a werewolf cast Chattering Teeth, which I'll never understand.

      I would have done some things differently with the base game, let alone the expansions. For instance, having to go to a store to buy furniture, and then having it delivered. Or buying a bucket of paint to change the wall color. Et cetera. I would have made it so one Sim or a whole bunch of Sims could perform the job; and Slob Sims would have made a big mess. Or a medium mess if they also had the Genius trait.

      ...I am way too into this. I'd sure love to hear how someone else's life is going, for a change. I mean, I live with people...but I know what they're up to. I think I need to hear a different voice that does not come from the TV, or a depressing newscast. I'm going insane. But I guess we all are, or are gone already.

Blagh.

      The common cold is circulating hard. Everyone I know either has it, or had it. I'm pretty sick myself. I feel awful, which makes me bitchy. And because I'm so bitchy, I just went on a Sim-killing spree! Finally, the household is quieter; there won't be seven relatives clogging up the kitchen. I even redecorated, putting TVs in every bedroom and removing the living room entirely to make the kitchen bigger.

      As for what I'll do tomorrow, I think I'll create a graveyard close to their house and turn those who remain into supernaturals. And I should probably see if I can fix the problems with the game. I can't find blueberries in the store, I can't find blueberry seeds on the ground, and all the blueberry bushes were removed. Forget about making blueberry desserts. And what's life without blueberry pie?

    Actually, right now I'm craving those big cookies with the Smarties in them. But since this virus outbreak, people have been hoarding. All the stores are empty, including toilet paper and food. Normally I hate payday because I have to take at least five buses to get to the store and I live on a hill with a lot of steps, and it's exhausting. Now I just hate payday because there might not be anything to pay for.

      B-E-A-utiful. Thanks a lot, assholes.

Today Wasn't Bad.

      I didn't think Wal-Mart was going to have Frozen II just yet, but it's the first series I've completed so fast. And I never thought I'd own it, because the characters are really annoying...but since watching it online is such a hassle and my computer always dies, I figured, at least if I have it I can watch it when they get stuck in my head. Plus, it gives me more options. I actually saw Shrek 4 about five times in one week because I was tired of everything else.

      I think I'm going to buy more movies, if I can. It would be nice to have variety even if my computer does die. And I'm low on patience. Since November, I've replaced it twice. And since October, it's been repaired three times. I definitely want to expand my choices. Unfortunately I've got several series I don't think I'll ever be able to complete. I'm considering getting rid of the ones I own.

      But today wasn't bad. I always get this rush when I complete a collection of anything. I even bought a juice I hadn't tried before, and it's working out pretty well.

Shit.

      I just heard that my brother has the flu. Goddamn it, I hope it's not that deadly coronavirus one going around. Even if it's not, just the fear alone....sucks so much ass.

Fanbashing Memoirs Of A Geisha!

      I'm back online! Whoo!
     Okay, time to do the things I've been itching to do for about nine days. Like criticizing Memoirs Of A Geisha. I love it for Chiyo's trans-formation alone. It's an incredible movie. But....I think I've finally noticed a mistake! Close to the beginning of the movie, we learn that Chiyo is nine, and Hatsumomo is more than twenty years old. If she was nine when she, too, was sold to the okiya; then Hat-sumomo has been there for at least twelve years. Yet, Auntie says Hatsumomo has "never even had a patron." Yet Hatsumomo has also been said to bring in good money.

      According to my research, they are called Geisha in Tokyo; and they are called Geiko in Kyoto. I had always been under the assumption that, much like an hierarchy, you had to get promoted up to Geisha; and that Maiko and Geiko were titles beneath Geisha. I thought they were practicing and earning more fame, but did not have a danna or benefit from having one. But unless I'm mis-understanding, you go from maiko to Geisha just like Chiyo did; and if you need to sell your mizuage to become a full Geisha as Auntie also implies, then Hatsumomo never actually stopped being a maiko.

      Great, now every time I see this movie I'm going to remember that Hatsumomo is an unnecessary character. But I have missed criticizing stuff. I guess I get that from my dad.

Aptitude

      My mother and brother thought it would be funny to time me when I type. Turns out, fifteen words in nine seconds; which is equivalent to 100 words per minute. Now they're thinking I should be a stenographer.

The Worst Of Times

      We're low on a lot of products and completely out of others. It's pretty rough. I've been looking around on the Internet, and I learned that I have in my possession a coin that is worth at least $130, but has also been sold for three to five thousand. I try not to get my hopes up, but even at its lowest assumed value, it could save us. If I'm lucky, it will get us out of a sticky situation for at least a couple of months.

      I just wish I had better luck.

Late Winter

      It's been snowing hard here since the 10th. My brother, poor guy, fell in the driveway while shoveling and hurt his back. He healed. This morning, he was trying to do laundry, but the machine ate his coins and didn't turn on; so he walked through blizzard-like conditions to exchange his money for loonies to give it another shot, but when he got back everything was frozen; the pipes, the water. He is just having a shitty week!

      He's out there shoveling again, but it's no use. Every time he turns his back, the snow covers up what he cleared.

      And it gets worse. The store is out of some things and low on other things, and the delivery men refuse to come out here. And even if they did, we can't afford anything at all. Frozen bodies have been pulled out of very local ditches. And I'm afraid, because the people who built this house were really stupid and all of my plug-ins are under a window covered by plastic that, I'm sure, is gathering a lot of moisture.

      I think I'll go unplug everything and then make sure my brother can have a hot coffee.

...

      Well, my life has taken a depressing turn; I sleep from 8 AM to 10 PM and can only be truly happy with an energy drink in my hand. And I would like to rant about very horrific issues, but I can't. It affects more people than me and there's that whole privacy thing. Let's just say that when I'm staying in bed forever, I'm not sleeping.

      I can't believe that technically, I'm addicted to drinking. And I'm probably acting like an actual alcoholic, but if I could just find a damn cure for my insomnia, I would probably start living. 27 years late. I fucking hate this; my eyelids feel like they're on fire. All the time.

      My landlord has gone through two evictions in the past several months; and now he wants to evict the newest tenants. I really hope the third time's the charm.

      Honestly, the only good news I have is that I completed my collection of The Big Bang Theory DVDs. And I'm not sure this counts as good news, since I don't even like this movie, but I also bought Frozen. Since my computer was upgraded to Windows 10, I have been unable to access Putlocker. My last attempts brought on a torrent of ads that I could not escape. And so, even though I almost hate this movie, I own it now and even plan on buying the sequel, since I will not be able to watch it unless it's on my shelf. Besides, I've grown to hate movies I loved; maybe this time it will work the opposite way. And if not, I can sell them.

      Of course, when I bought the movie, my biggest concern was not having any more money for energy drinks, which I don't. I hate this. I hate that my first waking thought is whether I can afford them and if it's early enough. I truly wish I could go back in time and not try them at all.