Shrek 4 Plothole!

      It's taken me eight years, but last night I began a Shrek story and something dawned on me. Rumpelstiltskin used his magic to get rid of the king and queen. He read the book based on Fiona's life (who can't relate to that?), he knows they had a daughter; why didn't she vanish, too?
      Yes, I know. If she had, the alternate universe couldn't have been defeated, which was in the contract. But obviously Rumpel is a scheming little rat (who was originally designed to look like one, by the way), killing off the king and queen was not in their agreement, and he did it anyway; so if Rumpel had been smart in his deception, he would have made absolutely sure Shrek could not share true love's kiss. And then what? Well, I suppose the real universe would just vanish without anyone noticing; and the alternate universe would continue forever.
      Ugh...

Train Wreck Bus Ride

      I've had the same shoes for fifteen years, so today I went into a shoe store. (And if I ever run my own, I'm absolutely going to call it Just For Kicks.) I tried on several pairs, but I was like the goddamn stepsister in Slipper Hell.
      Then at the bus stop, a big scary guy sat next to me. He didn't seem sick and he didn't say a word to me, so I dealt with it. Then the train wreck bus ride began and oh my God, remind me to never get on a bus. Hell, let's just remind me to never again leave the house, okay?
      This guy had been on the bus before, asking one guy a hundred times, How's Ryan? How's Ryan today? I saw him once trying to get my attention, but I was so annoyed with him already I just ignored him. So of course when he got on the bus again, he migrated right to my seat and sat down without asking if I minded, even though every other seat on the entire bus was available. (Well, the driver seat wasn't, but you get the gist.)
      I was already motion sick, and this idiot kept rocking. Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I suppose I should be glad he didn't rock side to side and knock into me, but I was just irritated. And was he quiet? No. But he did hush when he figured out I was still ignoring him...It took awhile. Thankfully his stop came before mine; I was afraid he wouldn't let me off.
      And now I learn I have to go to court and testify against our neighbor, who has caused nonstop problems, undoubtedly his whole life. All in all this has been one hell of a week.

Two Funny Guys

      My brother came over with his wife today. Since he moved away from the family when I was a kid I don't really know him, but it turns out he's just as funny as our oldest sibling, which I totally envy because it's a real drag to be a damn buzzkill. Anyway I might not explain everything he said really well, but I'll try.
      The first topic on my list is going to be short, because he was actually coming up the stairs talking to our brother. But he was talking about an old acquaintance whose "penis could fit into a thimble." That's the only part I heard, but it was enough.

      Next are the kids who try to yank out their own baby teeth, but don't really want to. He spoke of this kid who, naturally, had a string tied around his tooth and the doorknob, and he would barely push on the door and then lean forward to avoid having it ripped out. And as he's telling the story, he's leaning back and forth making all kinds of whining groans because he's impersonating both the kid, and the door. (It sounded a lot funnier coming from him.)
      Next up is the pot story. Apparently he smoked it as a teen. Actually this story was told by his wife. I can't remember the details, but apparently he took a drag with a friend and it turned them into little girls; which is funny because he's a big guy with a loud voice. But apparently they were giggling and she imitated the laugh; she made him sound like Bernadette Wolowitz. And I mean her fake laugh in the restaurant.
      He spoke of work, as usual. Best story yet. He said there are a lot of marmots where he lives now, and one fat juicy one got in the way of his big rig. He rolled over it, and he said, "You couldn't get that kind of explosion if you stomped on a packet of ketchup the size of a basketball!"
      So there really is no retelling these stories; I think I would have had to have been there in order to make it as funny as he did. But he had us all laughing; it was so great to have some funny moments with them. Their dog had just died, and I thought they would be bummed out; but even when they looked at pictures of him they had funny stories to tell. Mostly about how much he stank when he got gassy.
      Why are gassy pets so funny? His ass was on my lap and he'd had garlic; it wasn't funny. Loved that dog though. Even afterward. I'm just glad it was just gas.

Karma

      I was watching Finding Nemo earlier, while eating a fish sandwich. Horrible, I know; it must have been unforgiveable, because my DVD player froze. None of the buttons worked; the only thing I could do was unplug it. Ironically it froze at the scene where Gurgle says, "That's disgusting!" and Bloat replies with, "Tastes pretty good to me."