Dying To Live

First off, I just want to say, while I'm still able, that when I die, I already wrote my will. And you, my sister, are getting my most treasured possession. Thank you for being there for me, even when I didn't deserve you. You've been my teacher as well as my friend; and without you I wouldn't know what to do. I would go crazy. Did you know I tried to kill myself? But then I thought of you, and I changed my mind. Even miles and miles away, you're here for me. You are amazing!

Now I must explain to you why I sound so suicidal right now. I'm not, by the way. I'm just miserable. I miss you so much, and on top of that I have some...complications...that could be a hazard to my health. One of them is undetermined, but very scary. I'll start off small and work my way up. First, there is the epilepsy, which as we all know, is an unusual electric discharge that can cause you to lose balance, hearing, sensation to your face or consciousness. The electric discharge part brought mention that humans are like batteries. It sounds scary, right? But don't worry; this caused a very humorous night of discussion that I was leaking.
Next up we have the asthma. You know more than anyone what that's like, and on this note I want to apologize with all my heart that when you had your attack, I panicked and didn't know what to do. I am so sorry. I was in tears while you were at the hospital. Did you know that? I can't forgive myself and don't blame you if you can't either. That was just awful of me, and so dumb. I'm dumb.
Finally, we have the newer and scarier. While undiagnosed, I may have tapeworms; which are parasites that grow and live inside of you; and digest all the food you eat before you can; which leaves you feeling hungry and weak twenty-four-seven. I'm afraid I will either start "leaking" worms, or that I will die of hunger.

So now you know why I'm so upset. I just want to say that you have been the best sister anyone could ask for. And I hope you can visit. We could play GameCube, and maybe Crokinole, and maybe go downtown. I could reimburse you for that purple shirt and those black pants you got me! Or maybe some jewelry with sapphires in it, do you still like earrings? They'd look great in that purple dress!

Oh, and by the way, no snow here yet. I hear you've seen quite a bit of it...How is everyone doing? We're all fine down here; except L. took a fall and got bruised. And my arm is sore because he and I played catch, but that's about it.
I should go now, it's 4AM and I haven't gotten even one wink. Anyway, miss you lots! I want to write you a letter sometime. It's better than spewing my guts out all over Blogger; but hey, this was eating me. Or maybe it's the tapeworms. In any case, I have heard you plan on coming next month and I'm so thrilled! What kind of desserts do you both like? If I made fudge would that be okay? My goodness, I miss MSN. I miss chatting to you. :(
Take care, sis!

Changes

What have they done to Google Translate? I hate it! How am I supposed to use it now? I have some friends who can't speak a lick of English, and Google Translate was what we used to communicate. Now there's this useless drawing tool. Uh, what am I supposed to with that, draw my friend a picture? Facebook's timeline thing is dumb, too. I keep clicking "Delete Post." It deletes it, but then it comes back! I refresh the page and there it is, like that cell phone in Bruce Almighty, when he chucks it out the window, watches it get run over, and then Bruce turns and sees it on his chair. It's not going away, I'm doing everything, I'm even Googling the instructions on how to use these sites; which until they reformatted them was something I never even had to consider. gURL.com doesn't let me log out until I've tried seven times, YouTube's deleted my entire Inbox page, and yet here I am swearing up and down that yes, I did waste three months of my childhood taking computer courses. I hate this B.S.

QUALM

Questionably Unsubtle And Large Mistakes ("QUALM")

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SHREK

1.] In the first movie, Shrek hangs his pants on a tree branch to bathe. However, he does not hang his shirt or vest.

2.] In the second movie, how do "Sargeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band" know where Shrek and Fiona live? They were expecting to see a prince and a princess, and yet they go directly to the swamp.

SHREK 2

The first blooper I've found is near the end, and everyone's dancing...again. Pinocchio has been transformed from a puppet, to a real boy, back to a puppet. But when he jumps into the audience and they carry him, he's a real boy again, and then two seconds later he's a puppet!

FINDING NEMO

1.] Just before Dory smacks into Marlin, she screams LOOK OUT! And then, two seconds later, she says, "I didn't see you!"

2.] How come Dory is always able to remember her name?

3.] Twice, Nemo stops the filter, and both times, Gill and the others pull seaweed to save him. It's the same piece.

4.] Darla is poking the fish tank, and Peach says, "Find a happy place!" The tank is placed in another room altogether. A woman says, "Your uncle will see you now", and all of a sudden the tank is back in the dentist's office!

SIMS LIFE STORIES

1.] Your Sim does not have a life insurance policy unless she dies of old age. Accidental deaths do not include life insurance policies.

2.] The mail carriers walk by your house only once a day. Unlike any other Sim, they do not walk past your lot again to go home. They are all teenagers, but their Skills & Career panel says they are not students. It also says they are unemployed. When did mail delivery stop being a job, and WHO are my Sims giving tips to?

3.] When your Sim gets a job as a newspaper deliverer, why do they still get a mailman? They should come out of that carpool holding a newspaper in their own hands!

4.] My Sims have a lot of friends, and to keep them I need to invite them over sometimes. Keeping that in mind, when my Sim calls an employed friend, there's a fifty percent chance she won't be home when I call. So, how come when I activate a household, in which a Sim was invited out, it doesn't say "Visiting Someone" beside their name?

5.] In the introduction, Riley is seen wearing a white wedding dress, which is not in the game at all. She also has a Teenager's voice, but is an Adult.

For a fun treat, watch this video; where you can see bloopers!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qjc0woAWEfg

Got any more?

Two And A Half Pieces Of

Here's how Two And A Half Men should have ended:

S6E11 hints that Charlie's will gives Berta his big, beautiful beach house. Why didn't they go with that? One of Berta's quotes is also, "If life were fair, I'd have my own talk show and you'd be scrubbing my toilets." That would have been a much better direction for the show. Berta would own the house, do her talk shows inside, kind of like how Charlie now does his therapy sessions in his house ("Anger Management"). Alan would be the supporting character, who cleans her house, but he would still be afraid of Berta. She would be the millionaire, not Walden. Ashton Butcher - I mean Kutcher - ruined the show; it was great until Charlie was killed off and he came in. Herb would  occasionally come in and maybe Berta could have a fling with him.  Sixteen or seventeen years pass and he makes another reappearance,  only to find that she has a daughter. And because Berta's a redhead and Herb is so tall; their daughter would HAVE to be portrayed by Laura Prepon. Hands down. Jake would come back from the army and become smitten with Berta's daughter. Chelsea and Mia would return, be informed of Charlie's death (because, oddly enough they haven't been yet), and after hearing the family's speculations that "Rose did it", they would take her to court. But, who knows? Maybe Charlie pops back into the scene. The body was, after all, burned beyond recognition...

Maybe he would walk right into the court room and interrupt the trial. Rose could say "Damn" and it would break for commercial. Or whatever. Anything's better than this; which, for some reason, they think is good enough to continue. Are they even still getting viewers? Because they ruined it. They could have done so much more; they have amazing potential, as we see in each episode of The Big Bang Theory...But it's too late now. Charlie's dead, he has a daughter who is way too much like Charlie for the show to gain back some pride; and Conchata Ferrell is, well, seventy. Much as I adore Berta, this show has gone down the crapper since dear Charlie died. Berta could have been the backbone to straighten it all out; she's the only respectable character left. However if they brought in Mia or Chelsea again, it might be 2% better. But that's still asking a lot for this show these days.

Lorre, Prady; TBBT is wonderful. Two And A Half Men is not. Focus on TBBT. And for the love of God, keep everyone alive, please. Especially Shamy. What a perfect pairing. And Bernadette! She's so cute, and has layers to her which surprise me with each new episode. Bernadette, Sheldon and Amy are three of the best television characters!

The Big Bang Theory: Fan's review

It starts off with an experimental physicist searching for his new roommate. In common with Leonard Leaky Hofstadter, his new roommate's work is also theoretical. Enter Sheldon Lee Cooper, a character who has become the favorite for many viewers. One thing any true fan knows about Sheldon is that one of his biggest quirks is how he knocks on your door. There are nine knocks divided into three groups, and after each consecutive knock of three, he will call your name. He also has a "spot" - he always sits on the far left side of the couch. His intelligence quotient is a high of 187, and he knows things that many don't. He has a strict routine; and is immune to sarcasm and humor. And when he knows something means a lot to you, he will spend all day practicing his smiles, even if it just doesn't interest him. Strangely, I find that ridiculously endearing.

When I first watched this show, and was familiarizing myself with these characters; my favorite was Leonard; then Raj; and now it is Sheldon, even though I still like Leonard and Raj. Just not as much anymore. With them it was a passing adoration, but I have truly, deeply and irreversibly fallen in love with Sheldon Lee Cooper. His counterpart, Amy Farrah-Fowler, also has become one of my favorites. And there is sweet, tiny Bernadette, who has a hidden mean streak. There are also Penny and Howard. He chased after her until the day he met Bernadette. What she sees in him, I'll never know; however, she too has become one of the most beloved characters.

Their quirks have become infamous and adored; though there is the occasional passing remark that the show's loyal fans would find distasteful. I don't know how there can be any hate for this show - since it is the only show Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady should take pride in. Their other shows, Two And A Half Men and Anger Management, should never have been made. What many find unforgiving are the facts: They fired Charlie Sheen, the best actor in Two And A Half Men, and hired a woman to play his ghost. Then they put him into The Big Bang Theory, and from what I can tell by the four seconds he is onscreen, his character is unchanged. I say this because, just prior to his appearance, the "science dudes", as called by the dimwitted Zack Johnson, mention a man with a beautiful beach house and is popular with the ladies. That, and Anger Management stars Charlie Sheen. I must say, Sheen has what I wish I had. If I worked for a director who fired me; I don't think I'd have the courage to work for him again. I admire him. If I had been in Lorre or Prady's position, however, I wouldn't have killed off Sheen. And if I hadn't had a choice; I would have brought in Chelsea again. She was, after all, his fiancee. And Rose, and Mia, and all the other people who were in Charlie's life. But since his death, which was far too out of character; those characters have walked off the face of the earth and they need to be brought back in. After all, I want to see how they're dealing with the loss of a man that meant a lot to them! I want to see how Rose is doing, with the accusations, true or false, that she killed Charlie. And for your information, his death should have been more in character. If he had to have been killed off at all; it should have been by AIDS, from having sex too often. Or perhaps it should have been alcohol poisoning. But, instead of using their brains, as they do so well with the Big Bang Theory, they decided to have Rose - a woman who loved him - push him in front of a train. What the hell?

Two And A Half Men was great, once. But it died along with Charlie Harper; after which it became a whole other train wreck. It is now a waste of talent, as is Anger Management; and The Big Bang Theory is the comeback. It's filled with the talent that those other two shows lack. It has comedy, wit and friendship. It has helped love blossom between grade A beauties and nerds.

I have tried to make characters of my own with silly quirks, dysfunctional habits and strict routines. However, I have about as much talent with writing as Sylvester Stallone does with acting. Which means I cannot write. Thankfully I have a better chance at improving at it than I do at realizing just how gosh-darned good Hudson's Hawk is. What a stupid, tedious, mind-numbing piece of shit that never should've been crapped out of any brownie-filled butt. I am never watching that movie again; and if I could take back the one night I did; I would, in a heartbeat.

Anyway, if you haven't watched The Big Bang Theory yet, I strongly suggest, and recommend, you do. For any disappointed former fan of Two And A Half Men, I am giving you your redemption on a silver platter. I am bringing it right to your bed. Take my Goddamn advice; because neither Two And A Half Men or Anger Management will get any better. Trust me, The Big Bang Theory has everything that has made those other two unmentionables so barren. It will give you half an hour of a glimpse of what talent is truly like when it's properly applied. And sometimes, they even run two back to back. Sometimes four. Sometimes a marathon! Now when did Two And A Half Men ever run all day?

But just wait. The Big Bang Theory is returning with all new episodes! What will happen, now that Raj can talk to women without alcohol? Surely he will find someone he deserves. What of Penny and Leonard? What of Howard and Bernadette? And, the biggest question of all, where is Shamy going? I'm glad Sheldon likes trains, because I am ready for a long, long ride...

I Feel Old...

Shrek Forever After (or as I like to call it, Shrek Goes Fourth) is TWO FRIGGIN YEARS OLD. Two years ago I was eighteen and now the movie is two years old! I don't watch it enough, considering its age. Hopefully the time passes just as fast for the sequel to Finding Nemo!

Time is such a funny thing. Memoirs Of A Geisha was made almost nine years ago; yet in every picture you can find of those actors and actresses, they don't look a day older.

Oh, and PS., I found that song I've been wanting to find since Shrek 4 was new. So congratulations to myself! I wrote my will, and I found my mystery music. My life is now complete. I feel so good! Metaphorically. I did it all in time, too, considering how unhealthy I really am. I had a heart attack-like event, which put me in the hospital. Sometimes it still hurts really bad. Apparently, two conditions I have had since a kid, are both deadly. How I'm still alive is beyond me. I also broke my toe.

But, as I was saying, time is a funny thing. I mean, here I am boasting about my progress, which is really held together by those special yet insignificant little things. And one day, I'll die, and it'll be like I was never here at all. I sure do wonder how, and when. And call me crazy, I want to die next so I don't need to live a single moment with the people who made my life so...Well, I flounder here. It's not perfect, but it's definitely not bad. I have a home and a big family, most of which is either weird or just unlikable. But I have one sister, two brothers, a sister-in-law, a stepsister, and a stepbrother; three parents; four grandparents, and a bevy of uncles and aunts and cousins and generations of people I never even got to meet! Here they are working their hands to the bone to give me a good life and I'm sitting at my computer, wasting it away and too scared of death to embrace life and change the person I hate being.

Sorry, family.

But smile. I won't be here one day. As much as it scares me, that's gotta make you feel good. And don't lie to me. I'd rather you just admit it.

Damn, I love this song! Can you believe this is one of my good days?

Stuff

Recently on YouTube I made a comment about child abuse. My main point was that the show's advertisement promoted it, and I had lost interest in the show because the person being abused was a minor.

Cartoon or not, that isn't funny! I know children personally who are abused by their fathers, and I can't do a damn thing about it!

So excuse me if I don't laugh at something so stupid.

For God's sake, the show also promotes bestiality. It says people 14+ can watch it! Now I never wanted to be one of those people who takes time out of her day to comment negatively on something I clicked on in the first place. But time and again, this poor girl gets kicked, punched, shot...And the worst part is, people laugh! And they voted my comment down, even though my main point was, child abuse is wrong. I wasn't going to say anything at all, but as the video progressed and more and more bad shit happened, I just got really angry. PMSing didn't help...

But two people agree with me. That's pretty major, considering I started the thread almost two weeks ago. I'm glad two people have morals.

Now I don't care if they tell me to rot in hell where I belong. I don't care if they send me a message in Caps Lock. Why would I care about something so harmless? But child abuse is many things, and harmless is definitely not one of them. I fear for my friends' lives each and every day.

Seriously, how would those people feel if their parents and siblings pushed them down stairs, struck them, shot them and beat them every time they showed their face? Those people must have good parents, or at least parents who don't pay them any attention; because if they were being abused, they would have more heart. They would know exactly what it's like and they would hate it, too.

Nothing is worse than watching an innocent minor be abused by the one group of people who are supposed to love and care for her.

Well, there is one thing that's worse - knowing that so many people show their true colors, and laugh at something so horrible.

I just hope I am never like they are.

HOLY HELL!

...To quote Fletcher Reid.

I am so TIRED of having memory loss. I just spent six minutes trying to remember a four-minute song. It eventually did come to me...and then I forgot it again! And now, finally, I have found it. It's not the one I've been searching for for two years, but it's still awesome. By the same band, too. At least, I think Rammstein did that missing music. Who knows, I might have even made up the tune myself!

This one time...way back in grade school...I looked up at my teacher and asked her what my name was. I had no idea. When she told me, I made a face and said, "Really?" That is one day I can never forget. I've tried, but only the bad stuff stick with me. The important things slip away so easily. Whenever I'm filling out forms at the hospital or whatever, I always had to ask my mom what our address was, or what our phone number was, or which street we lived on. I know for a fact I wouldn't last long on my own; and that is frightening, because my mom's boyfriend has been hinting about marriage, saying things like "That's worth a diamond ring!" (Ignorant ass, trying to place a value on the actions someone does from the goodness of her heart...placing a price on what she means to him.) And this really stings: My brother told me I could always live with him, and then my mother told me he said he would never live with me if he and I were left alone. That really hurts. I kind of thought maybe he would be there for me. I mean, I always knew I was a burden...but all this time they denied it when I said it, and now...

I'm sorry. This is getting dramatic, and I hate that B.S. I've strayed so far off topic, even Sheldon Cooper would get lost! No. No, he wouldn't. I envy that man. Love that man. How come all the good guys are fictional? Raj, Leonard, Sheldon. Maybe I need to find myself a nerd.

Fanbashing Shrek The Third

(06.25.13 at 9:45 PM)

**SPOILER ALERT! If you for any reason have not yet watched this movie, do not read this. Or save yourself some valuable time and don't watch the movie.**

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I am probably the biggest Shrek fan in history. I am probably what is defined as a 'nerd'; as I have memorized the lines and scenes. In my opinion, Shrek 1, 2, and 4 are perfect. Unfortunately, Shrek The Third is not; and I am blogging to tell you why.

I loathe this one movie. The script is terrible, and Shrek's accent is barely noticeable, which saddens me. The only good outcomes of this movie are: Fiona has triplets, and Artie becomes king. That's it! That's all that is good about this movie. I saw flaws in each film of this series, but I looked past them because otherwise, they were truly the best animation movies I have ever seen; then and to this day. But Shrek The Third is horrid. Let's start from the beginning, shall we? In the other three Shrek movies, we were taken through the beginning by hearing a narration, read from a book (which is displayed onscreen, as well). But in Shrek The Third, we are taken through storm clouds, which is probably the climax of the entire film. Then we see Prince Charming riding his horse. His first words are, "Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower; where my princess awaits rescue from the handsome Prince Charming!" This implies that he still refers to himself in third person. (It's no wonder he's still single.) Then we are shown that he is jumping in place, and between his legs he is holding a broom, on which is attached a stuffed horse head. Now let me just pause and say this: All I see of this is a lonely man straddling wood. We are shown that the scenery rolling by and the sound of horse hooves are really side effects, cast out over the audience by men hiding in the shadows. (But, as in the second movie, the spotlight shining on him is a dim one.) Now, enter Pinocchio, the Big Bad Wolf, the Gingerbread Man and the Three Little Pigs. (I would hate it if all of my friends were edible; wouldn't you?) I don't know why, but every time we see any of these characters; the rest of them are there too, as if they must always remain in a group. They chat one another up a bit, resulting in Pinocchio telling a lie...The people behind DreamWorks probably thought it would add humor to the dull tedium plaguing what is deemed 'The Best Shrek Yet!'

Okay then.

Prince Charming continues on with his silly little play; as if, maybe, he could find his happily ever after, after all. Instead he finds himself facing an audience that ridicules him. He leaves the stage and goes to his bedroom, which is actually inside an alleyway; and begins crying. (Yeah, THIS guy is the rightful king. Why doesn't he just wet his pants while he's at it?) He looks at a photo of his late mother, and tries pitifully to get his act together. "I am the rightful king of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother; I will restore dignity to my throne!" And BOOM. A wet, dirty newspaper flies into his face. On the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona; and he begins planning Shrek's demise. (Footnote! The Fairy Godmother must have had a one night stand with a king; as she, the mother to a prince, is not a queen.)

Of course, the scene where Shrek and Fiona are in bed, listening to Donkey singing is in-character; and Puss is, of course, ridiculously endearing. The scene where Shrek tries to knight a hero and winds up killing him is gruesome, but it's always the first laugh I get out of the movie; mainly because nothing else worked. We get to see how a volatile ogre would cope with getting dressed up in feminine skimpies to take place for an ailing king; and the answer is, not well. The curtains catch fire and Donkey is nearly hit with shrimp, also on fire. He exclaims, "Ooh, shrimp; my favorite!" (even though, in the prior movie, he says that Mexican food is his favorite). He blows one out and takes it. Okay, that's pretty cute.

Let's see, what else, what else...Shrek retires to his bedroom in a foul mood and goes to bed. He turns to kiss Fiona, and Donkey is lying next to him with a big grin. Oops! No kiss for Donkey! Shrek throws him out into the hall, and puts Puss on the windowsill. At last, he is alone with Fiona; who then, after some hinting, reveals that she would like to have children. Shrek reveals he would not like to have children; and then the two of them are notified that the King is dying. They go to his side and he tells them that if they are not to take the throne; then Arthur Penndragon, Fiona's cousin, is next in line. Then, amidst many squeals that remind me of an air balloon deflating, he humorously dies. They are all sad, which I understand; and wishing he were still alive, which I don't. Clearly he was suffering and is in a better place. (Did his frog body still have a human spirit; or is there a special place where frogs go when they die - aside from a shoebox? Great display of high regard for a husband, father and king; by the way.)

From the forest, Prince Charming watches as the funeral ends and the people leave. He rides his horse to the Poison Apple (I wonder if this is where Snow White goes for a drink?) and asks for service; then promptly insults the person who handles his food when it turns out to be Mabel, the ugly stepsister. Or not; since in the fairytale, the Ugly Stepsisters were named Anastasia and Drizella. I believe Mabel - and Doris, called the Ugly Stepsister by King Harold in Shrek 2 - might be imposters...) Prince Charming makes a fool of himself; and then turns everybody within the Poison Apple into his angry villainous groupies.

Now Shrek is seen getting ready to go on a voyage to find Arthur. Fiona is uneasy about him leaving; and he tells her he can always use persuasion and reason with his fists if Arthur gives him any trouble. He kisses her goodbye and boards the ship with Puss and Donkey; and Fiona decides the news of her pregnancy cannot wait until he returns. She tells him, and Shrek is the least excited of his crew; however he feigns happiness at the information. Then, later on in the cruise, he has a nightmare; which starts as the ship slides to a bumpy stop. (Oddly enough, the ship winds up in the swamp; which is all dry land; minus a bathing pool that does not connect to a lake open to the public beyond his swamp. Um, what?) Shrek gets out, and although his nostalgic smile is cute, his ballerina dancing moves are not. The nightmare continues - blah, blah, blah - and then he wakes up. His friends ask if he's okay, and Shrek is overwhelmed with disbelief. Donkey, who is a father already, asks Puss how getting females pregnant happens. Um, okay, I know he literally is an ass; but he's talking out of his. He should know...

Then Donkey breaks into song. I don't care if he tries to breakdance; but of all the songs out there, he has to sing "Cat's In The Cradle". The kid isn't even born yet and he's singing about the kid leaving home? Please. Puss quietly tries to console him, and then finally Donkey says something useful. "Nobody said it was gonna be easy. But at least you got us to help you out! You'll be fine." Shrek tries to smile, and then the ship captain tells him he's finished; and then makes a hasty (albeit terrible) save by adding, "With your journey!"

Okay. Here we are at "Wor-cester-sha-shirey". (What kind of character teaches a donkey how to read?) We learn an unflattering secret of his, which can't work unless he is, as Shannon Parker would say, hung like a horse. And well, Donkey isn't even a pony. (Is Dragon how he compensates? And all Lord Farquaad got was a castle!) We're introducted to Lancelot, Arthur, and Gwen; and learn that the new king Arthur is a pretty unpopular kid; bullied and teased by his schoolmates and even the adults. "Pack up your toothbrush and jammies; you're the new king of Far Far Away!" That right there has to be the weirdest quote in a movie. Shrek picks him up (yes, he finally got the right kid) and carries him out of the school. No one stops him because no one wants Artie to be in the school and doesn't care if he's kidnapped by a big green man with noodle ears.

Okay. Cut to the castle. Fiona is having a baby shower; and her friends express themselves. Their weird, egotistical, eccentric and sleepy selves. Fiona is given a pooper scooper, a servant, and then Prince Charming drops a wee little net on top of Dragon and for some reason she's immobilized by it. Fiona, the princesses and the widowed queen disappear into a hidden passage; which is odd, because it connects to the wall that forms the hallway. Uh, nice one, DreamWorks. Somehow, a puppet, three pigs, a wolf and a cookie have already assembled a dresser and some chairs against the wall; and the little wafer thinks he can help keep out the intruders by putting his weight into the dresser. (Oye vey.) The barrier breaks and the same furniture seems to assemble itself perfectly for a tea party as Charming and his sidekicks enter the room. He asks where Shrek is, and Gingy mouths him off. Instead of biting off his head or snapping him in half or just taking a gum drop button; Charming gets Captain Hook to hold his hook up against his chest. (Aww, he wants to slice him up in equal halves and share with his buddies.) Gingy begins singing, Pinocchio keeps finding his way around lying, and then, finally, one of the Three Pigs has had enough of the noise and tells Charming where Shrek went. Pinocchio tries to deny the truth and his nose grows; and then he says Shrek will never fall for Charming's tricks and his nose grows again. Ouch! First Shrek is deceived, then the puppet reveals he thinks Shrek is gullible, and now he's going to get killed.

Shrek, Puss, and Donkey are back on board; bringing Artie to his new kingdom. He realizes he isn't ready for kingship and turns the boat around to go back home; and he and Shrek fight over the wheel. Then, as Shrek tries forcing it from Artie, he lets go and the steering wheel, also known as the helm or the tiller, breaks off. The ship crashes. "Land ho!" And blah, blah, blah, life goes on; and then they meet Merlin; a neurotic retired wizard who used to be a teacher at Artie's school. (Um, why would a magical wizard give out his secrets to a bunch of completely normal kids? Merlin, I too am a victim of level three fatigue. The movie is that incredibly boring.) Artie at last manages to convince the wizard to help them back to Far Far Away; and in fear of getting "bippity boppity booped by the magic man", Donkey holds out his hoof for Puss to hold; and he complies begrudgingly.

It is discussed whether the swapping of their bodies is because they touched. They are returned to Far Far Away moments later, and Puss and Donkey have swapped bodies. Artie and Shrek (and I) find this funny; and although Donkey's furry feline face looks mad, I believe I can hear some humor in his voice when he confronts their laughter. I like to imagine that Antonio Banderas (Puss) and Eddie Murphy (Donkey) were having fun in the recording room during this particular scene, trying to make their voices match their characters' expressions. (Frankly I would have loved to see Puss laugh at Donkey as he tries to use the sword...)

Donkey sees a picture of a man in a Shrek costume (oddly enough, the print appears to be in computerized text). Donkey actually assumes Shrek is in a play! (He's an ass even in cat form.) Then a group of guards close in on Shrek, with their swords at the ready...I assume they aren't the guards posted at the royal castle. Puss tries making his cute, wide-eyed stare (you would think he would understand that he no longer has the ability to pull it off). Artie steps in and makes the guards reconsider their actions; and then Shrek, replying to Artie, calls him "Donkey". Whoops!

Now Prince Charming is rehearsing for his play. Um, didn't he already do this onstage and get humiliated? But he draws his sword into a man's chest - twice - and then throws down his sword. "This doesn't feel real enough yet!" he whines. I've got news for him. It's not real. At all. He's just copying Shrek, obsessing with what's already happened out of jealousy that his life isn't turning out as well. (Boor-ing - yes, I do like wordplay.)

Then, as if he's fulfilling some kind of meaningful destiny; he says, "My happily ever after is nearly complete." Yeah friggin right! If his happily ever after includes getting laughed at by the entire town, then his destiny is only being filled a second time.

Then, something funny. Charming tilts his mirror - and Shrek walks out of the shadows. "Break a leg. Or on second thought, let me break it for you." Personally, I love that line. It's too good for this movie. He wants to know where his wife is, naturally, and as it turns out, she's in prison with her friends and mother and planning their escape. Shrek has Charming upended in the air when the guards break in. Shrek sets Charming down and tells the truth - he was supposed to be next in line - and Charming spares Artie and takes Shrek to kill him. Artie leaves; and Puss and Donkey are, for some reason, thrown in prison. (What harm could they do - scratch the furniture or something? Big deal.) They are reunited with Fiona and tell her Shrek is going to be killed. Lillian bashes in one of two walls, and Fiona acts all impressed, as if she doesn't even notice the second wall (hardheaded, just like her mother). And for some reason, the guards didn't hear the wall smashing as part of the building was destroyed.

Snow White points out that there is another wall, and Lillian destroys it. They burn bras, put on war makeup (although it has already been removed in their next scene), do a hand tower thing...yadda, yadda. Then Snow White does her little dance-attract wildlife-attack thing. (Dinner and a show, for free, and we're still not getting our money's worth.) The animals attack Ed and Steve, who are possessed trees and also guards of Charming's stolen kingdom. Really? What are they going to do, split down the middle?

Then Puss and Donkey are approaching the kingdom, and one of the Pigs refers to Artie as a "strange little girl". (It's said that the Pigs sound German when they're supposed to be French.) Puss and Donkey twist the truth into a neat little white lie and say that Shrek only said those things to spare Artie's life. Artie saves Shrek, the villains become nice, Shrek saves Artie, and then Puss and Donkey get their bodies back.

And that, my friends, is what we saw in theaters on May 18th, 2007. Six years ago that was considered a good movie; but it was most certainly not the best Shrek yet.

Shrek Bloopers

SHREK BLOOPERS

CATGAL15

FEB 21, 2013

1:00 AM

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Let's just get one thing straight before you read. In truth, the Shrek characters are like my second family. I have the entire first movie completely memorized and when I have a sleepless night, I play it in my head, over and over again because the script is so right. Everything about it is perfect. If one word hadn't been exactly the word it is; it would have thrown the whole thing off, and when I watch the movie or play it in my mind, I am immediately calm and happy...It's just so right!

But I pick at it because I am a very literate person. Not in real life, because I have a speech impediment; but on the computer, where I can erase and reform my sentences. My literacy makes me highly unable to let anything go. If I find one thing wrong, I fanbash - I take what I love, and break it apart so I see what I call a mistake.

And if you don't like that, maybe you should click away.

I have one more thing to say. I'm sorry I keep blogging about this; but I feel like I have matured somewhat and want to share my new blog. I promise, after this, I'm done.

Without further ado...Here it is: A list of SHREK bloopers I have seen, or been shown.

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First movie:

1. In the beginning, when Shrek meets Donkey; he says to him, "Take a look at me! What am I?" So, Donkey looks him over. As donkeys are colorblind, stated later by Donkey himself, it is odd that this part is in full color.

Second movie:

1. These bloopers happen near the end of the movie. Donkey has become a stallion horse and Shrek, in human form, and Puss in Boots are riding on his back into the castle. Puss in Boots jumps off to "repay his debt"; in other words, let them continue on their way while he delays the guards chasing them. So, my question is, when Shrek bursts into the courtyard and says "Hey you! Back away from my wife!", how does Puss come back to them so quickly?

2. Shrek reveals to Fiona that if they kiss right away, they can both remain in their human forms. She stops his kiss and they transform into their ogre forms. Before the transformation, he wears clothing borrowed from a Far Far Away resident. Fiona wears a formal white dress. And yet, after the transformation; she wears her green dress and he wears his everyday attire: a white shirt under a brown vest, and plaid leggings. While I think it is better than being naked; that is a major mistake.

3. This blooper happens just minutes before the aforementioned bloopers in #2; although it is not so much a blooper as a slip-up by, yours truly, Jennifer Saunders. Where the lyric is supposed to be, "Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds?"; she sings it as, "Where's the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising wolf?" And when you listen to the version by Frou Frou and then to Saunders' version; she even got the tune wrong.

Third movie:

1. As a Shrek fan, I say this as kindly as I possibly can. This is the most boring and least enjoyable movie in the series! While I didn't find any true bloopers in this episode (yet); what I can say is this: Shrek should not be locating Artie. Fiona should. It is her cousin, not his. Oh, and despite my love for the jolly green giant; he lacks the very persuasion and reason he claims to have, and this is evident when he raises both fists and announces that he has those admirable qualities. I'll admit, I'd be persuaded to listen to the man who could take me down; but that is no way to settle anything, especially if he of all people can't handle the very duty he's getting a young man to take on.

2. Lookie here! I do have bloopers in this episode to share with you. The first takes place shortly after Puss and Donkey have swapped bodies. Shrek is being approached by two guards who see his picture in the posters hanging on the wall behind him. While Artie is attempting to fend off the guards, Shrek - playing the part of a snobby superstar - says they are dealing with amateurs. He clearly directs this statement to Donkey; even addressing him. However, Donkey hadn't spoken. He should have directed this statement to Artie.

Fourth movie:

1. Rumpelstiltskin was a quiet, well-mannered father in the third movie. What the hell happened? Suddenly he's a greedy little child.

As for the third movie, I've been avoiding it because it just hurts me so much to see a plot so devoid of the humor and talent the other movies do have. Okay, Fiona's pregnant. That's fine; and maybe that alone is why Shrek went to get Artie instead of Fiona. But she's a princess. Surely they could accommodate her and ensure that while on the journey that was really her responsibility; she would be comfortable and in no danger of miscarrying later on. Besides, it's a family film. They wouldn't make the main character's wife lose any children. So why then, you ask, does Shrek experience that in the fourth movie? It's very simple. Shrek cannot get pregnant, so it's considerably less traumatizing; and furthermore, the Fiona in the proper universe wasn't even aware of what had happened. The Fiona in the alternate universe did not care.

Oh, and DreamWorks...From the bottom of my heart I love Shrek. The first, second and fourth movies are spectacular, despite everything. But please. Get it together. Your half-hour specials are shit. If you can make a bunch of short thrillers, surely you can make another film. Long and busy, the way all your viewers like it!

And seriously. If there ever is another Shrek made; it needs to be about King Artie, and whomever he may choose to reign by his side as his wife and Queen.

I hope you've enjoyed my fanbashing. I am finished! I seriously doubt anyone will find more mistakes in Shrek Forever After; because so much about that movie is just so spot-on. Like when Shrek fades from Fiona's arms and she sits in the sunrise, and remains an ogre. That hit me so hard the first time I saw it. I could not believe how much talent I'd seen.

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Shrek belongs to DreamWorks (God bless it - and them).

Sims 2 & 3 - Rumor of the Dead

Okay, so by now the rumors have gotten to you. There is no hope. Your Sim is doomed to have zombies surrounding you during the Full Moon; and you're tired of using the "moveobjects on" cheat to delete the door and ensure the safety of your Sim and his/her family.

But you don't need to put up with the dead! I've been playing the Sims 3 Supernatural for awhile now, and - aren't you lucky I'm here? - I'm going to share a couple of secrets with you.

Number one is, there IS a way to get rid of those zombies. You don't even need cheats! Forget what people say, it is possible. I've done it! My Sims' biggest worry now is a burglar; but never again do I worry about being transformed, even if temporarily...EA Games/Electronic Arts even states that the zombies are there to stay; but what they don't tell you is the little secret that I will. All you have to do is read and experiment for yourself. First, what you need to do is click Options, at the bottom left; then find Environment Settings. Next you'll need to change your setting, from "Rotating Lunar Cycle" to "Single Lunar Phase". Select anything other than Full Moon, save the changes, and have fun! If your memory is ailing, you might want to write this down and keep the paper near you during gameplay.

Okay! Just one more thing you ought to know. I'm going to take a quantum leap backward here and talk about the Sims 2. They say there is absolutely no way to make a zombie without the University expansion pack, but this is false too! This can also be done without cheats, because all you need is an evil witch/warlock and a grave. Your witch/warlock will need to study up on his/her magic skill and of course brew up some ingredients for the spell to work; but once the option is available, simply click on the grave. Aside from mourn, there should be an option with the word "Resurrectus" in the title. I don't recall the rest of it, but it's impossible to miss.

So there you have it! If you're tired of the zombies in the Sims 3 or you want more zombies in the Sims 2, you do not need cheats. You do not need yet another expansion pack stressing your graphic card. It is so easy!

And do not worry! The Sims 2 zombies do not bite; and if I remember correctly, good witches/warlocks can even bring them back to the way they were before. They will walk oddly; and they won't retain their memories or friendships, but that's easy to fix.

Happy Simming!