Piss Off, Kris Kringle

    I'm having a horrible, horrible day. First off, didn't sleep a wink. My fault, really, for having this stupid idea that insomniacs can't sleep. Then I go into the bathroom, no freaking pads, so I have to stop what I'm doing and go get them from second storage. Then I breathe this great big sigh of relief because I have my pads and everything's right, right? Wrong. First pad I open, sticky on both sides. Second pad, same thing. Third, same thing. Fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh. I checked in four packages, all defective.

     And guess what? It's fucking Christmas!

     I hate Christmas. I fucking hate it. If it wasn't the damn holidays, I wouldn't have adhesive paper sticking to me, down there. It's actually tough competition to being lonely and miserable, but I think turning into a bitter old crone still wins. Hell, at least there's something on this planet that doesn't want to let me go. 😂

A New Decade

       It's my 31st birthday. Still don't see what the big deal is.

A Bizarre Thought

       When I was trying to sleep last night, I had a bizarre thought. In 2003, I was a fourth-grader and all my classmates were fifth. I was born in '92. So, I may very well have gone to school with people born in the '80s!

Payday

       We got groceries today. And my family surprised me with three birthday presents; my very own bottle of Parmesan powder, to which I may be addicted, a new purse, and fuzzy pants that are indes-cribably soft and fit me like a glove...albeit in a very weird place.

      I'm feeling better, I think. Overall. I think sleep is the problem. No, scratch that. I think trying to sleep, but staying awake instead is the problem. I was hardly socializing before, even with the people I live with. There were literally days where I'd come out of my room, and they'd greet me with, "Good evening! Goodnight."

      Apparently eight hours of sleep each night is recommended. I've been prioritizing sleep because of my insomnia. Twelve hours, no matter when I go to bed, even if it's eight in the morning, even if it's just crying the whole time. But I think I'm going to restrict myself to as little sleep as fucking possible. Stay awake for three days, sleep for three hours. I did that last night and had an amazing sleep. I'm not even bitchy! I'm not yelling and slamming things for no fucking reason whatsoever. That's good! I ruin so many things, and I don't want my family to be one of them. I think I'm sharper when I'm sleep-deprived, and not all moody over my latest crippling nightmare.

      I'm also sharper when I'm sick. Not like I ever want to be; I'm not going to go out and intentionally catch something, but I do seem to think clearer. It's weird. I'm weird. But the day I'm sleep-deprived and ill, I'm going to try something I'm loath to do...math. Maybe my book will go better!

      Or I'm crazy. Or I'm kidding! Ah, who knows anymore? Who cares? All I know is, I've stopped trying to convince myself that I never need to socialize. Maybe all loners are kidding themselves.

New Dream

       I didn't take my sleeping pill last night. I'd taken a nap earlier, and had the same dream twice where these bears are ripping people apart. So I thought I'd try to sleep without any influence. While my brother's house may have found its way into my dream again―will it ever fucking stop?―I did not dream about kidnapping or bears again. Instead I got the cast of That '70s Show and the cast of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air all singing the Fresh Prince theme song.
      It sounded good. It was on a lower tune and performed a little slower, giving it a melancholic spin. Just like my House dream with The Love Of Xing Lo in it, which is still and will always be my favorite. This dream was 99% the cast of Fresh Prince, though, with only a fast glimpse of the other cast. Still, Hyde and Jackie and all of them made a bigger appearance than Will Smith.

      Good brain!

Pill Dream

       I've started a new pill that actually helps me fall asleep and not have nightmares. I still get them, and they are worse in nature, but they're less frequent at least. They take awhile to wear off and unfortunately don't help me to feel rested, so I'm still exhausted and bitchy as long as I'm awake. Sucks, but at least my sleep is a little better. I thought nothing could help.
      The dream I just had is very strange, kind of hard to follow if you don't live in my head. Wow, I would sure be a slumlord, wouldn't I?

      Anyway, I'm standing in a real swampy area, petting a mud-covered pig. My sister's standing right in the mud, covered head to foot, catching frogs and chasing out this really, really blue frog. Then the scene changes; it's just my mother, brother, and me. We're clean, we're walking outside at night in my current neighborhood. I get a phone call from someone who never calls me; a friend and neighbor from my old neighborhood, who has been kidnapped. Well, adult-napped, really, or should I just say stolen?

      They hang up on me, and my family tries calling the number, but both of their phones are dead. We end up at the building where she's being held, and suddenly I'm Tom Ellis and everything we say appears in closed captions, so I know what'll be said before we say it. The kidnapper takes off her mask and I, as Tom, calls her Remy. But when I see her face, it is Remy freaking Hadley, not Remiel!

      We negotiate the blue frog, and I wake up before I know how it turns out.

      Apart from the company I keep changing randomly, it is the longest continuity I've had in a dream. Not the first time I've become a TV character, but it is the first time I've been Tom Ellis and had visible sentences.

      Kinda makes me wonder what I'm putting into my body, but whatever. Whatever prevents me from dreaming that I'm a criminal, or I'm trying to elude criminals, or I'm getting devoured by a wild animal... I really don't care anymore if the pills are actually a health hazard, I just want dreams that are more weird and stupid, than utterly terrifying.

Low Point

       Well, I'm not excited anymore. It's hard to feel anything good when you can only sleep for two hours, max, and can only alternate between dreaming that you're being chased by bears, or dreaming that you just traveled five hours to get back to where you were. Today it took me until after 8 AM to fall asleep, and yes, I did wake up just one potty break ago. I dreamt that I hung out at my sister-in-law's house, we got in the car, did the five-hour drive, and got out at my sister-in-law's house. She said she wanted to go home right away, got pissed at my brother for not seeming interested at all, and then began to cough up these impossible, huge things from her lungs. A small towel and an egg carton, if I recall.
      That's where I woke up. Dream number two, I dream that I woke up to tell my family about the first dream, while standing in my sister-in-law's house. Dream number three, I dream that I dreamt that I woke up to tell my family.

      Confusing, right? Dream number four, Andrea accidentally seduces Milton because she used a mannequin's severed hand to point at her body. Don't ask me why, though it's not like anyone's here except those who will report my blog for things it does not contain, but it is the second Walking Dead dream I've had in two days. Not the second one I've had, ever, but I'll take a field of zombies over one more Möbius strip dream.

    I'm starting to miss the nightmares; at least they went somewhere exciting. I'm also starting to wish I'd said no to the best trip of my life. I got to try new foods, see new creatures, and we went to the beach. I've wanted a trip like that for, gee, thirty years, but I couldn't enjoy it. Had a little problem with my foot. Sometimes I get this cramp that feels like someone is shoving a long, jagged piece of wood through it, and when I took my shoes off to wade in the rocky water, oh my god, it hurt so much. Those things were a lot more fun in my childhood.

    I wanted that for so long. Now I just want to take it back. Mean-while, we have children outside calling out, "Ice cream, one dollar!" and I have to sit here and listen to my family complain, "I'm going to hear that in my sleep."

    Big deal. I'd love to have a dream about ice cream and happy children. My poor, poor family. The only reason they're not yelling at me right now for having such a bad attitude is this blog! In retrospect, might want to use it more.

...

       I wonder how long it'll be before I stop being excited that I recently got a game account back. I'd been locked out of it for about two years. Not only is everything still there, but the game is different. They actually added shiny clothes and items. I changed my girl's look right away. Nothing beats how she did look, but change is sometimes good. Anyway, now I can finally keep working on getting past level 39. I should probably be level 50 by now...

      Today, I finally got more than two hours of sleep. Four! Best part is, I had a cool dream; that I was playing a supernatural Super Mario Brothers. I'd totally play it if it came out, and they should call it Supernatural Mario. I mean, duh. Anyway, there were these new zombie enemies that could reach out and grab you. Mario was a terrible jumper and very slow with his tail, but he could grab a block and carry them. He could reach up and grab a block, he could kneel and grab, and the idea was to seal off the walkers and build your way to the top.

      It was so cool. He even blinked the first time a character walked through him, and then leaped off the screen when he died. It was awesome! Like a mix of Super Mario, Minecraft, and The Walking Dead.

Untitled

       I recently dreamt that I was at the mall again, this time with the entire freaking cast of Walking Dead. Magna was going to steal from me and Yumiko was going to stop her. Also dreamt that I got engaged inside my very own prison cell; kind of bizarre. It looked akin to the dungeon level in 007: Agent Under Fire.

An Other Another Late Entry

      I had my weirdest dream yesterday or maybe the day before. House and Chase, who are straight in the show, were being intimate. At least trying to be, but Chase was flatulent, kind of spoiled the mood. Oh, and I found a note I wrote myself in 2021 as a "reminder"; I've seen green headlights and a skateboard with a single wheel going through the middle. If I hadn't seen another today, I'd have forgotten to add that. Now I can throw that note away.
      Apart from that, nothing really different. I've gone out a lot this week. Mailed a package, did my taxes, went to the bank. That was supposed to be one efficient outing, not three. Today alone, I went up and down about 111 stairs. Without the shortcut we took through the school and the stairs at Community Services, it's still about 75 stairs per trip. The most exercise in a week I've ever gotten. My next most comparable day is when I did 100 situps, which was likely in 2009.

      I could work out more. Hell, I guess it's the only thing I can afford to do. Financially, anyway. Certainly not physically. Two slices of pizza for six dollars; now that I can do! I was hoping to do pizza tonight and invite a friend over for dinner and games, but we're having this cheesy, oniony hot dog stuff instead. So maybe tomorrow, even though it's a lot less convenient.

      And other than that... Well, my hair has reached my goal. So now I can choose between cutting it or setting a new goal. Took me just five years to grow it from my chin to below my hips. I go out and people feel the need to talk about it. It's great. I finally have something on my body I can take pride in.

      My family has just turned on Married With Children, so I'm outta here. I so wish I could have my computer in my room. Not for blogging reasons. I've now run out of things to say.

Finally, An Awesome Dream

      I guess it can still happen; today, I did not dream about homicide and children being ripped apart by animals. Or my criminal step-father—yay! The weird part is, I had this dream many years ago. It featured the same girl I never met. Her name was Paige.

      Like before, she had long, wavy, light brown hair and a huge smile. She was doing all the same things, all the same way. I guess I am getting ahead of myself. I meet her inside a mall, which gets closed while a lot of people, including myself, are inside. But the dream starts inside a crappy little house filled with bugs, and my grandmother's things. Things I haven't seen for almost 20 years, things that were promised to me after her passing. The world's ugliest chair, with wooden knobs poking out of the arm rests and little barns and farm animals all over. Her rocking chair, dresses. Et cetera.

      The house had rafters, too; so it was actually pretty barn-like. I remember looking at the window and seeing a bus go by. Then I come up these stairs, and find my grandmother's things. I'm going through them, and the dream is practically on mute. Like there's a reverent silence or something; kind of out of character for me, not going to lie. Anyway, I'm kneeling, and somebody else comes up the stairs, sees my leg on the floor and runs over, concerned for my welfare and actually saying my name. I can't remember if this person is male or female, so I'll do something I hate and refer to this person as them. God, I hate that so much. Anyway, I ask them if they will be keeping them safe forever, they say yes, and I just hug them and accept it (again, very out of character; I guess in my dreams, I'm nice or something). Because at least I know the possessions are safe.

      Okay, now I'm at the mall. It's so crazy detailed. I'm shopping and hating it, but taking my time; that's actually perfectly in character. I'm supposed to be with a group, but they're not waiting for me and I don't care, good riddance to anyone who wants me to rush. I'll freaking walk home at my speed. I'm looking at PS4s, GameCubes, even movies. I'm seeing Logan, and it's actually got Hugh Jackman on the cover. It's crazy detailed. There's lights, cleaners, other people shopping in every direction. That's when I get to the end and think I'm locked in for the night, my group is locked out. Whatever, I don't care; they've got bathrooms, the people who serve food are in there, I'm starting to think it's April Fool's and the workers have reached their capacity for imagination. Or they're exceeding it.

      Then Paige and her family wave me over, and ta-da, the other end of the mall is wide open. Maybe they really are closing, and they just can't get all the doors at once. But now, I find it in my heart to hurry. We get outside the mall, and all of a sudden I'm Brooke Nevin. I guess all that shopping went to my head.

      I'm even leaving stuff out, like the part where I give Paige and her mother a necklace. Keep in mind I have no idea now if they were mine, my grandmother's, or if I shoplifted them both.

      I've been dreaming of actors a lot lately. The man who told me the mall was closed, for one. And yesterday, I dreamt that I was floating in zero gravity with Howard and Bernadette. Go figure. It has been so bloody long since I watched Big Bang Theory!

      But normally, I fall asleep for a few minutes at a time and wake up if I roll over. This sleep, which took me two hours, was actually enough. I feel capable of doing what I have to do. Which is good. Because the buses aren't running anymore, and I have to do a lot of walking tomorrow. I'm considering not even talking to my friends. Just get home, bathe in Purell, and hope my heart doesn't explode. Or my lungs don't collapse. Or my throat doesn't close. Damn those buses.

      Negan appears the most. I guess he's the man of my dreams. 😄