Nothing Going As Planned

      Communication in my family is more buggered than ever; now there is a false rumor that somebody died. Spoiler alert, he didn't. The only good thing about this week is that I finished my biggest book ever. And it's safely stored online...at least, until the site is taken down. It's been up since 1998, but the way my luck is going, it'll be obsolete before the new year. The snowfall caused my window to frost over and cause a flood in my bedroom, there was water on my wires; the neighbor who helped us evict the dumbass is now turning into him...so we pretty much have to go through all this shit all over again.

      And earlier this year, one of my friends died, then another one announced that she's dying, and another friend's husband just had a heart attack.

      And I just closed off the worst save of The Sims 3 I ever had. And, apparently, my blood isn't getting enough oxygen, so I'm basically suffocating in my own body. And for some strange reason, my pee and my tears and my menstrual blood are cold. Maybe it's a link.

      I am not fucking happy. I just want one thing, one fucking thing, to go my way. For once in my life.

...

       After eight months of not playing The Sims 3 so long I was incorrectly saying it had been two years, not joking, my brother figured out the problem and fixed it. Just like that, I've been in gamer paradise for the past few days.

      I also found this amazing website where I can watch basically anything, with zero ads...once I get past the bandwidth overload problem. Tonight, however, it wasn't a problem...so I binge-watched six or seven episodes of Lucifer. I love the characters, the jokes, and the scene where one of the angels gets beheaded in the stadium and his head goes spinning through the air. It made me think of Penny from The Big Bang Theory, when she says, "I bet I can get a nice tight spiral on him."

      Well, actually, I didn't really care for Ella or Charlotte. Drop in the bucket. I thought maybe the former would become more than just barely tolerable when she lost her faith; but any Lucifer fan knows that was temporary. I gave it more than a fair shake, mostly because I cannot stand interrupting a marathon. I don't even like pressing the pause button. I found the show to be quite predictable; and yes, it is centered on religion...but I knew what I was getting myself into. Let's just say I thought the clip of Lucifer's devil face making Charlie laugh was the moment I decided to see it all the way through.

      Still, when Dan accidentally possesses the convict, can't escape the body, and has reservations about continuing to inhabit the body of a wanted fugitive...I kind of thought the solution was obvious. Dan should have killed Le Mec. Dan is a ghost, he would be unharmed, the criminal would die, Dan would be free. Simply blathering to his daughter in a park somehow alleviating his guilt and giving him leeway to heaven... Definitely did not predict that.

      And when Chloe was uncertain which twin she encountered, Michael or Lucifer; I kind of thought, "Okay, she's going to stab him, or cut him. If he doesn't bleed, it's Michael." Unfortunately that didn't happen, either.

      There are definitely some things I'd have done differently for the show. All I know, is that it feels so good to go back to stupid non-problems. After Covid this, death that, I've really needed to just nerd out. Between this post and my last, I lost an aunt to cancer, and a Facebook friend. Cause unknown. Now another Facebook friend is dying. Family communication is all buggered; apparently the people who are always so nice to me, have started this rumor that I'm a horrible person. And maybe I am, because it felt pretty good. So, whatever. It just tells me I have the right idea; trust no one.

      The good news is, I am more than one month off energy drinks. Life is much less enjoyable, but holy shit, I can actually get through the day without this burning desire to go shopping.

      I hate shopping. And I hate people who love shopping. I was so addicted, you guys, it was fucking crazy. The way I was going? $2,400 annually. Flushed away, quite literally. I mean, every sip told me it was worth it; but the math was devastating. So, whenever I start to crave, which has actually only been twice in the past month; I just do the math again. The craving goes away. I truly think I'm going to beat this. I think I already have. The best part? I didn't even have a support team. It's good news for my kidneys. And if I cave, well, then I'll go down in sweet fizzy failure. Still costs less than my family's habits...which I had to finance this payday, piss me off. I'm also the reason we can afford to do laundry every month. They don't chip in for that! And really, do you think splitting the cost of $100 three ways is too much to ask? At least it's actually for a good reason. It pisses me off so bad that we can't function as roommates. I can't approach them on this or anything else. Apparently I've fallen into some crevice where paying for the laundry is my obligation alone. And if I have to waste $250 on tobacco, a product I'm never going to use, then it's just my too bad. They paid me back...after he said he would make her pay and then I ended up confronting her myself, and she said it was all house money and the IOU she promised she would make good on really didn't matter. You know, I don't care if it all goes back into the house. I never said, "Buy me $250 worth of energy drinks! I'll pay you back. Well, I won't, but it's okay."

      Shit. Here they are telling me $3 for one drink is too much. No, we can't afford that, are you nuts? Tight budget! Now go away while I give myself cancer. It's sooo relaxing.

      They've tried quitting smoking so many times. Last time, the resolution lasted minutes. I'm the only one who's actually succeeding. Before I mentioned the IOU, she was ordering wine. She had the money to pay me back, and she wanted to get drunk. Oh, but don't worry, you guys. Her kidneys are fine. Because it's not the alchohol! It's the food! That's honestly her opinion. If she stops eating, and diets on wine, she'll get better. And the doctors? What the hell do they know? It's not like they went to medical school. The Lord will make her well.

      Ugh. Respect, to all the nurses out there. And if you want to poke a brain with a needle, to make the patient happy all the time, I'm available for experimentation.

Birthday

      I turned 29 today and it did not start out well. The luck of the snowfall is objective, I suppose. But I began my day with a headache from the night before, which was so bad the light coming in through my window looked red. And there were other things physically wrong with me, which I don't care to discuss. Not like anyone is reading this, anyway, I suppose. Following that beauty came a horrific nightmare, definitely among my worst top three. I guess getting introduced to Lucifer and also having just completed a Walking Dead marathon helped conceive the dream; I was sitting on the counter, and my brother had taken in these three horrible dogs. Vicious little beasts. They were laying on the kitchen floor, gnawing the flesh off one another. Their teeth were all bloody and my mother was too afraid to get her coffee. And I was trying to get my brother to remove the dogs, and he looked at me and said, "They're Lucifer's dogs. They're distracted, you're fine."

      Yeah, that was a nasty dream. They looked like a tie between pugs, and Gollum. After that loveliness, I woke up to pizza, 7Up, chocolate ice cream, chocolate sauce, and chocolate cake with chocolate icing. I hope this time they help me eat it.

      Well, it tastes good and I've got movie food for a week, so that's nice. Eh, my heart wasn't in great condition anyway. The highlight of my day was signing into Facebook to see at least 30 birthday wishes from people I only know from my groups. They never did that before; my only reasoning is that I've been on a roll making them laugh.

      I'm also in the middle of having my biggest book published. Well, technically I'm near the end. I've got everything figured out; I just need to figure out how to bridge it together. And maybe, even though caffeine withdrawal is a bitch, I think I'm actually going to kick my energy drink addiction. As for my special day, I think I'm about ready to call it quits. I'll probably kill the remaining time with some more episodes of Lucifer, put on some Vicks to help me sleep, and see what kind of nightmare I can get.

      OH, and my asshole neighbor moved out. And my other asshole neighbor might be in trouble with the landlord, too. Fingers crossed.

I'm So Fucking Confused Right Now.

        I was watching The Walking Dead and I saw the name, Pollyanna McIntosh. I've been seeing her name for awhile now; but I knew all the actresses and none of them are Pollyanna McIntosh. Because her debut comes in season 7 and I'm on season 5. Pollyanna McIntosh is also a writer. So I looked up the show to see which episodes she wrote; none listed. I went back to the credits to find her name and now it's not showing up!

      I looked at the names closely at the beginning of several episodes, and I checked the credits at the end. It's fucking gone. But I saw it, just like I saw it at the beginning of the prison episodes.

      Why does everything fucking disappear on me?

Eye Hurt

       Last week I was overdue to clip my nails. They were pretty long. And I ended up gouging my left eye in my "sleep." So, now it's got this scratch and I'm seeing shit. Well, more shit; I've had hallucinations since 2007. At least, I have found no other logical explanation for the furniture on fire, the rain nobody else could see, and the person floating above my bed even though I was awake.

Nope!

       I never knew that 450 milliliters of soya sauce and 500 milliliters of vanilla extract look identical until I wanted eggnog. I'm so, so glad I read the label because that shit would have been nasty. Not enough sugar in the world.

...

      All I wanted to do was watch House. And my glasses broke.
      Now everything's fuzzy, and I have to wait until Monday.

That Worked Out Well

       And for once, I'm not being sarcastic. I just tallied up the word count for the seven books I wrote about House, and it's exactly 67,000 words. 😄

Expanding Horizons

       I guess I finally talked about it enough, because on the 22nd, my brother bought Lethal Weapon for me. I'm not spoiled, I paid for it; but the dumbasses at the bank decided to cancel my card for no reason, so I have to go through someone else if I want something. I'll want the other three, too. Binging on clips is fun, but I want the whole story.

      It's nice seeing something I haven't completely memorized.

Cool!

      I just guessed where a picture was taken, and I was right.
      When I log into my computer, I have to enter a password before I can use it, and there's always a photo. I took one look at that sunset and thought, Somewhere in Finland? Moved the cursor down to the little drop box with the information, and I was right. You know how often that happens? Hardly ever.

      So this is how it feels!

      My technology doesn't last long. Since October 2018, I've had to replace my computer or parts of my computer probably seven times. It's ridiculous. And my previous computer? Faster, tougher, and it even had its very own...hold on to your hat...graphic card.

      And it's because this computer doesn't have one, and because my Origin no longer opens, that I'm probably never going to play The Sims 3 again. But I'm getting by with Roblox and writing, and I'm thinking of just selling my games and my account information. That's a lot of wasted money...but at least for a short while, it was worth it. And all we have is a short while, right?

      I managed to concoct my best work of literature. And five less impressive sequels followed, but they're still better than the work that precedes my best work. I had a look around the Fanfiction.Net categories, and nine out of ten times I thought to myself, This is terrible. If they're good enough, so am I. And so I decided I'd leave my books up there, but as it turns out I'm still on the fence. I don't want to be embarrassed! I also don't want to care what people think, but unfortunately I don't operate that way.

      So I might delete them after all. In fact I'm thinking about going broad spectrum. It's not a decision I'm weighing lightly; I'm actually losing sleep over it. Some sleep, anyway. I know when I do sleep because I have dreams that are just getting weirder. In the past week, I've sprayed a bear in the face with shaving cream, scissored the hair off a puppy resting in my lap, gotten sprayed by skunks, and when my brother called my mother by the wrong name, Andrea, I tried to correct him and also called her by the wrong name, Amy. Apparently I've been watching too much TWD.

More Taboo

       What is this world coming to? Can't say kill in a Walking Dead group. Can't say Covid, either; and I have to wonder if that's restricted to my group, or if you also can't say it in a Covid Awareness group (if there is such a thing). Which would just be really stupid.

      Well, I made another joke in my Big Bang Theory group. The Birthday Synchronicity, they're in the car on their way to the hospital and Raj says Howard got Bernadette pregnant in five minutes. Sheldon says coitus takes him hours. Here is my joke; I said, Howard's new nickname is Little Bang.

      That's it. That's all I said! And not only did they remove my comment, they turned off the commenting feature because I was "not kind" and "violating the rules." Excuse me, did I call anyone a motherf****r? Am I allowed to say big, or is that a dirty word? Nobody got offended by Quickdraw, or Speed of Light Leonard.

      It's like we're living in the '50s.

      Well, that's it. Just wanted to share that with....my future self!

...

       I'm covered in so many mosquito bites, it looks like I have the pox. And I've been more clumsy than ever; dropping my drink, dropping my cutlery, knocking stuff off my desk, being totally unable to type, and even fighting with the metal bar that mounts toilet rolls. It's a wonder I get anything done. I've also started twitching; especially if I'm in bed. Two weeks (or whatever) ago, I actually twitched so hard, it got me to sit up.

      Long as I'm not asked to hold somebody's baby....

...

       I learned something. Every movie character I know, who has been injured in some way, always gets hurt on their right side. Nobu, from Memoirs Of A Geisha. The title character House, and also Wilson. Nemo, Gill and Dory from Finding Nemo. Carl, Ezekiel, Rosita and the governor from The Walking Dead.

      Small list, but a weird one.

Taboo

       I have got to tell you about this. Well, there is nobody here, but I'm going to come back to this blog one day for a laugh. I'm in a Walking Dead fan group on Facebook and one of the topics was, "Which character do you miss the most?" It had a picture of the characters eligible for the topic and among them was Glenn.
      I said Glenn and proceeded to list my favorite moment: When he kills the zombie with the chair he'd been tied to. Thought I did nothing wrong. But my comment was immediately deleted by an admin, because you can't say the word kill. It's a group for a show that's all about death and you can't say the word kill. How stupid is that? It's like looking through a telescope with your eyes shut!

What A Day

       This morning I was suckered into deep-cleaning my bedroom. I'd finally gotten to sleep, and I was having the coolest dream. Then there was a knock and I've been busting my ass ever since. God, my feet hurt. Anyway, I had put everything rattling around loose inside a laundry basket; but thinking things through isn't exactly one of my virtues. I forgot that the can of Lysol spray has a push button. All of a sudden, there's a mist; and I'm scrambling around trying to pick up this can slicker than snot, my arm is getting covered in cleaning solution, I've got papers in the basket, meanwhile I'm trying not to laugh and breathe it in.
      Then the rack in my closet broke, damn near making me piss myself, and my mother volunteered some storage. I go to hand her the hangers, and for some reason she ducks to grab them around the bottom, and hits me in a pretty unfavorable place. So long story short, it's been the most outrageous cleaning day I've ever had, and we're unfortunately not finished.

      But I am taking a break.

...

       I think I'm getting back into the groove here. At first using my new computer still felt like I was borrowing my brother's.

      Not a lot else has changed. I have fifteen pages, front and back, of handwritten book ideas that I've been maniacally writing down ever since my computer was declared up and running. And it starts out with more detail than I've ever written in my life!

      There was a rainbow here the other day, and my brother went out for a bike ride. He said he rode "into the rainbow" and described the colors as "brilliant." Sadly the closest I can relate is the scene in That '70s Show, where the dog gets high. At least, I think that's what I mean.

      I've also had amazing dreams that I've been dying to write down! Lately I've been dreaming a lot of flying over the town; whether it's a place I saw on Google, or in a movie, or if it's a game map; and there's usually a sunset. Once, I was actually a bat; and I could control what I did, and I hung upside-down on a ceiling and watched the sunset. It was so damn cool.

      Another dream was when I had to walk past where I used to live on a farm, to get to my house; which in my dream was kind of a combination between a farm and a trailer park. There were all these buildings and they all looked alike, and I was trying to find my house. So I knocked on the door, and this old man answered, and I told him it was the wrong address and kept going. Lucky for me, I saw my mother having a cigarette on our porch; I walked inside, and I knew I was home. I saw my relatives, our things. And then I turned around and walked out, and I just started biking around and around the property; and there were these cattails, waving in the wind. And it was so dark out. And then, of course, there was a bear...and I don't remember what happened after that.

      But this dream here is my favorite of the ones I've had since my computer died. I lived in an absolutely gorgeous....beach house mansion. And on the outside, it was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. The water was the color of sapphires. And inside the house, there was all the ugly crap we own, placed in the ugliest spots; it really cramped the style of the home! But oh my God, that water. I haven't been anywhere that nice since I was four. Even then I couldn't enjoy it, because I was so little, and the rocks we had to walk on to get to the ocean were so big. And I hated having my hands held. Especially by my stepfather, who literally never....used soap. So that was my last vacation, and it sucked.

      I typically dream of spiders, death, wild animals, building collapses, and occasionally the royal family; with amazing detail. I dream about the royal family more often than I dream about flying, and I dream about flying more often than I dream about the ocean. In my last memorable dream, I hijacked a train car and started driving it around zombie-infested tracks, and my mother was just standing there, waiting to be eaten; and....I didn't let her in. And then Cuddy and Wilson strapped House to a table and walked away, and I've really just been dreaming about cats and spiders ever since. Also, I had a dream where Peggy Bundy hit her head really hard and became a total idiot, just in time for her appearance on a game show. She was licking a plate.

      My favorite dreams are definitely the ocean, a mansion, flying, the royal family....and there's one dream I don't think I've mentioned before. The short version, since I can't remember the long version, is that I went to college. Doesn't sound like much, but I'm a very lucid dreamer. I can see, hear, smell, and feel everything and yes, some-times I absolutely can control what happens.

      Ohhh, it feels so good to write everything down! Finally, I can throw away all those papers! I hate being a caveperson.

Back Online

       My computer died last month. Believe it or not, it had melted inside! Evidence of a fire! Crazy. But I'm back, and not even my book characters were killed in the blaze. It feels so good to be back online and, you know, not dead.

I'm Scared

       When we were doing our taxes, I had to stand there like an idiot with the form and try to remember how I sign my name. And this morning, after dreaming about arguing with my stepfather, I could not for the life of me remember his. Or that I was hurting until I moved the wrong way. I know I'm forgetful, and realizing I'd forgotten surprised me.

      I haven't forgotten anything critical in a long time. Small stuff, mostly; where I put something, what day it is, the name of a celebrity. I forgot my own name in the first grade. I thought I was getting better, but I guess I'm not. I guess it'll just keep getting worse.

I Must Be Tired

       I'm running on about 20 minutes of sleep. Had to wake up almost as soon as I started dreaming to take care of my taxes, haven't slept since. So I was just trying to say, "When you were down for your nap, I had two sandwiches." And somehow it came out as, "When you were down for your sandwiches, I had two naps." And then I narrowly avoided saying that I was tonguing on my trip, so I think I'm about ready to crash.

Untitled

      Well, I finished that new book. Took me only 19 days. But, it's in script format; the detail is whittled down to about 1%. Even so, I'm quite happy with the result. I finally achieved my goal by writing a book that reads as though it was written by someone else. And best of all, I'm feeling pretty damn good.

      I also restarted my House marathon. The last time I saw it all the way through was also the first time, and when I got to the end I was...disappointed. It felt like there would be more. It was an open road with open ends. Then again, every episode of House has un-explained bits and pieces; like why a doctor who had moved to Chicago reappeared all of a sudden without mentioning why and her group of friends don't seem to give a damn. And the doctor who got fired, never actually leaves either; and the doctor who gets promoted to Dean Of Medicine is still taking orders from....a guy who now works for him.

      So, yes, the show is very complicated. Last night's episode, too! These doctors typically have to break into their patients' houses and snoop for clues, and they gave this episode a dramatic ending that makes no sense. The doctor asks a little boy, "Do you know where your dad is?" and then his father walks out of the house, and the footage slows down and the camera zooms in; it's like I'm supposed to recognize him as a different character or a criminal or something. But no, zero explanation.

      I like the characters, I like the cast, but the show itself is kind of sloppy. They had medical advisors to make sure everything was done properly, and they still made some mistakes; like restraining every seizure patient, having a guy pass out from chicken pox that hadn't appeared yet, getting a close-up image of a coin and calling it an air bubble, even misspelling medical terms.

      But, as I said, I've started over. And who knows? Maybe I'll see more mistakes.

...

       I'm feeling a little better now. Sore like you wouldn't believe, but at least I'm not wondering as often if humans can have their bladders removed without getting seriously ill. Probably not.

      And at least I have accomplished two things. One, if I'm in my own bedroom and it's a clear day; I can tell the time by looking at the shadows. I'm hardly ever wrong! And two, I've started a new book based on a brand new idea, it's my first time trying to write it, and it's actually going well! Normally on my millionth try, I want to give up and don't have the good sense to.

Damn It!

       I am having the worst fucking morning. Technically it began last night, when I lost count how many times I almost fell. I decided to go to bed for my own safety. Slept for half an hour, woke up before midnight, and I have been awake ever since; peeing and peeing and peeing and peeing and peeing and peeing. It should be impossible for the human body to contain this much urine.

      I am so tired. I just want to sleep for a nice long time and wake up with dry pants!

      I hate my life. I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life.

Untitled

       Life, at least life as I know it, has been sitting steady at merely a tolerable pace. I did something kind of drastic in order to deal with the tedium, and spent almost $100 on a new DVD series I'm still unfamiliar with. Each episode is about an hour; so when I watch it all day, it really helps me kill time. One of the characters is named James, and he strongly reminds me of one of my brothers, whose middle name is also James.

      I had extraordinary luck playing Sorry tonight. I won six out of ten. It was a nice break from being a nine-out-of-ten loser, not like I'm ever sore about it. The trouble with Sorry is that it's the only game we ever play. Not only am I getting sick of it, I'm kind of for-getting how to play other games.

      Back when Need For Speed World was up, circa 2014 (ah, the good old days), I won a race against another player. Now he was a sore loser. He started swearing and threatening my life. Another player reacted pretty much the same way when I said no to a race. It's weird, how young and fragile kids can handle falling down without shedding a tear, and adults can't handle losing a virtual race! What kind of pathetic mess is this world?

      A popular quote is, I weep for humanity. I don't. I just weep for the future.

      Even mine. For reasons I cannot specify, even to a blog nobody reads, it's possible I may have to leave my city. I really don't want to. Everything I know is here; I'm finally able to go out on my own and find my way back. It's taken a whole bunch of years, but I now have the same basic capability as a dog. I don't want to lose that ability by getting thrown into a whole new environment. Again. I am so tired of moving. And for the first time since 2006, I finally know a person I want to call a friend.

      I don't want to move. I don't want to leave this stupid place. For once, I just want to stay.

Adiós

       What a day, what a fucking day. First of all, my computer is going to die. So I'm lucky if I make it through this blog. In addition to that, our hydro was cut all day and our landlords wrong-numbered us! Luckily it got all straightened out before the hydro company closed for the weekend, but we have about $100 worth of food gone bad.

      Anyway, I should click Post before my computer goes black like Sheldon's. I might be offline for a couple of weeks. Not even writing. The power may as well still be out.

The Present Versus Shrek 4

       I'm being subjected to a live feed of some political B.S. about a revolution. And knowing that the Republicans are red like Rumpel-stiltskin's hair, lying about this and that to try and prolong his reign; all I can think about is how very cool it would be if the Democrats were green. Banding together in this revolution to take down the angry, lying, two-faced red leader. We could call it....Trumpel-stiltskin.

A Fine Start

       Last night I had the most amazing bath. Normally they don't calm me down, but I came out so incredibly relaxed and happy. I still had a headache and I didn't even care! And like that wasn't good enough by itself, when I fell asleep, I stayed asleep.

      My dream involved my phobia, naturally, but that was still the best damn day I think I've ever had!

      My game is going pretty great, too. Last night I finally killed off enough Sims to fit them all under one roof, so now I can add the finishing touch to upload them to the Exchange. And if you don't speak geek, I'm going to immortalize them forever so that I don't have to start at the bottom if my computer conks out. Which it will. It always does; you should see it. When I turn it on, the screen sometimes flashes and has green bars. I'm surprised it's lasted me this long.

      You. You who? I don't know why I insist on addressing someone who's not there. But I don't care about that so much, either, because I slept!