Best Joke I Ever Heard

      My uncle Dan is visiting right now, and a few moments ago he told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about three elderly brothers.
      "An old man puts one foot into the bath and forgets what he's doing. So he calls out to one of his brothers, 'Was I getting in or was I getting out?' The brother begins going up the stairs and then stops, calling out to the third brother, 'Was I coming up or was I going down?' The third brother shakes his head. 'I hope when I'm that old I'm not so forgetful. Knock on wood!' he says, and then calls out in response, 'I'll be right there; I just have to see who's at the door!'"
      That had us in stitches. Another good one is, "Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year!"
      Earlier this week I was looking up videos of comedians and came across a child comedian named Ned Woodman. The name isn't the joke, just listen. His performance is based on insulting the judges; and his opening line is, "Why do so many people love it when people bring their dogs on this show? I don't see what the fuss is all about, Amanda Holden's been on it for years!"
      And this is the best part yet. Earlier today I went downtown and on my way back, I passed by a bike shop. And their motto is, "Put some fun between your legs!"
      All in all this has been the funniest, weirdest day I've had since my brother came and I parroted the marmot story. Their motto killed me so much I ended up submitting it to Ellen, so if you see that motto on What's Wrong With These Signs?, it's from yours truly.

Going Nowhere Fast

      Today alone my brother killed eighteen wolf spiders. One (of any kind) is too many, if you ask me. He probably pissed them off when he sprayed their hiding place with poison. Seventeen of his victims were right under this desk, so I'm a little jumpy.
      Life has...not been fun. I think I came down with a stomach bug. The spider infestation, as I mentioned. Plus being old beyond my years. Not wise, just old. As far as my mentality goes I'm basically a child. And no, that's not me underestimating myself: I have an addic-tion to candy, I still stick my tongue out at my brother, I hate any form of work. Damn it! It's like half of me is the babysitter, wearied by the endless job of caring for the other half, the immortal child. And I realize now that is a perfect example, because every single night I convince myself to have some junk food before bed. Also because I don't mind it when I cuss; I hate it when others cuss.
      And now my computer is dying. The power went out twice today, and both times it came back on, my screen was a mess of blue lines and fuzz, and the mouse cursor and all the programs were enlarged. It was the aforementioned brother to the rescue!
      So I'm probably going to look into buying an iPhone/iPod/iPad/ whatthefuckever. I'm tired of saving up for computer repairs, calling my brother's friend to fix it, and then watching it decay back to square one. Hopefully those little gadgets last longer; because I'm not asking for a lot. I just want something to outlast me. Long as I can still play my game, because I'm inching toward having enough curr-ency for the Soul Eater costume.
      Anywho, I'm off. Watched Toy Story last night. Now it's time for the sequel. Maybe I'll have sandwiches and fruit with it. Peaches aren't junk food, right? I think I can morally get away with that. I mean, I will be adding sugar, but I still think there's a difference between sweet peaches and candy. I hear candy and I think of those rock-hard chunks of chocolate with frosting on top and maybe some fruity syrup in the middle, which would send friggin Colossus to the dentist. Man, could you imagine him getting it on? Talk about being loud in the sack.