Not Now...

      Things are finally settling down...temporarily. My brother wants to pack up and move again right after winter. I can't help but be mad at him, because he's taking off with or without us, and since we can't afford shit without him, we have no choice! So thanks to him we're probably moving again in January or whatever; I don't even know why I bothered to unpack and set up my room.
      Thing is, we always do what he wants. He and Mom are like buds, even though he scorns her behind her back for drinking too much. He always gets his way and he's a cold, confident pain in the ass. I don't want to fucking move so Goddamn soon; I'm just getting comfortable.

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      I got a new mouse last night. The cord is dreadfully short, and sits on top of glorious Wire Hill, so it constantly does the opposite of what I want it to. I miss my laptop and its touchpad.
      Still lots of snow. The car's frozen on the driveway, so we're still stuck inside. The power's gone out. Nobody delivers pizza or anything...my brother's birthday was a bust. (Mine was great; I had the best pizza on the planet and lava cake, too.)
      We're moving in just six days...but I think we're going to have Internet there, so I'm on a cloud. Let the packing commence.

House And Home

      I cannot wait to start furnishing the new house!
     That being said, I've been thinking about restarting home school. My last effort was thwarted when I realized they could deduct money off my income if I missed a day, and they could also twist my words in advertising. My effort before that was thwarted when Mom and my teacher collaborated to put me through all the grades and back again.
      This time I would do it at home, by myself. I would not ask for any help. And, with no Internet or even Sims to distract me, I could focus all my energy on it. God knows I need a break from writing my books.
      I could put my desk beneath my window, which I could actually open. The light is right there, so it's perfect. The more I think about it, the more excited I get! This could actually be fun. I'm doing math all the time anyway; I might as well challenge myself with new things like division, subtraction, multiplication, and geo-metry...

I Didn't Know What To Call My Blog, So I Called It This

      Do I regret my last journal entry? Kind of. I know my family's awesome, but I also know there's truth in what I said. I love them dearly - they annoy me. Really, it's a typical family situation.
      I cannot believe it's only 6:30. PM! Good grief, I think I'm ready for bed. I don't know what good it'll do, but I think I've reached a good Bedtime moment. My head is lolling, my eyes are burning, and I really don't have much else to do. Except stretch, yawn, change, and give in to fatigue. That sounds good...
      I also have this overwhelming urge to eat chocolate and cry. I've got this sensation that something absolutely horrible is right around the corner.

I Need To Rant

      I just need to get a few things off my chest. The punch line is that yesterday, the truth came out and it was revealed that I need my brother's permission to order a pizza with my money. I need his permission to start paying for Internet service with my money.
      I understand cracking down when it comes to a tight budget. I understand some things have to be changed. But financially, we're okay right now; and all I wanted was an $8 lasagna. I damn sure don't need his permission to feed myself. Especially since he buys crap at the side of the road, and posters, and things that do not benefit him or anyone else. And if Mom and he can spend over $100 on cigarettes and tobacco each month with food money, then I can spend eight pathetic dollars on food with tobacco money. Sounds like a fair trade, don't you think?
      I'm not a child. And I'm damn sure not his.
      I'm sick of him thinking he's my fatherly figure since I don't have one anymore, and I'm sick of both of them running my life - arguing with everything I say - making everything my fault - creating all these hidden rules - metaphorically stabbing me in the back at every turn - ruining every single day I'm forced to live through.
      They mock me when I stutter. They laugh; they think it's funny. They play all the songs I hate until I leave the room, they say they won't do it again, and then they do it again. They find ways to blame me for my insomnia, my depression. They insult me and they invade my space.
      Our new house is going to be directly in front of a bus stop. I'm already tempted to disappear. I have been tempted for a long time, but knowing I don't have to walk far anymore fills me with a sense of bravado. At the very least I want to leave for the majority of the day without telling anyone, and just think about what I'm doing with my life.