In Higher Spirits

      Well, I'm not maniacally depressed anymore. Thank goodness! I think tonight I'll even watch that movie. Heck, I could start now and watch 1, 2, and 4. (I will never again watch the third. SUUUCKS!)

      But I'm still horrifically stuck on my books. How the hell does P.C. Cast do it? And co-author, for goodness sake? It flows so smoothly, all the goddamn time; and I can't even get to page 47. Meanwhile she's going on and on for 568 pages, and all I can think when I put the book down is, "Why is this so short?"

I Don't Know What's Wrong With Me

      It's just a movie. One I've watched many, many times before. It's one of my favorites. But now, when I think of seeing it again, I just feel sad and pressured. Like I don't have enough time in my life left to watch the whole thing, or whatever. Or like I don't love it anymore. And that's not it, I know I do; but this morning I woke up, and I didn't know how it started. It came to me eventually but I froze. That never happened before; since I was ten I've had it memorized. And for the past three days or whatever now I've told myself, "Today I'll watch it. Today I'll watch the series!" But I keep procrastinating and I don't know why. I used to never be able to say no to watching it; and now I just cannot get in the mood.
      I just feel all empty inside. And then I think about something else and that's the worst part, I feel the same way. It's like all my happiness has been sucked out of me, and it's living my fantasies while the physical part of me is stuck behind four closing walls. Walking on a carpet stained with five-year-old pet pee. Looking at walls with chipped paint. There are stains on the ceiling! Who the @#$% would want to buy this miserable place? If all of us went out and we came back and it was burning to the ground, I'd thank the arsonist responsible. Frankly there's less animal pee in the grass. At least outside I won't be terrified that the sky will fall in the middle of the night and clunk me a good one on the head. Of course another hit to the head might knock some sense into me. Hah, dream on! Nothing will ever click, will it. I've got such a bright and intelligent bunch of family. And then there's me. A manly woman with a high hairline, a giant forehead, a teeny tiny five foot four frame, and this monstrous nose that I inherited from the elephant someone must have had bestial sex with. I gag every time I look in the mirror. I turn down prospective dates because everyone can do better. I sit at my computer all the bloody time so I don't ruin my family's day. And you would think being here so much would improve my writing skills, but nope, after I got my family my luck ran dry. I can't turn heads when I walk by. I can't astound and amaze with my incredible intelligence. I'm just pathetic. Why am I even here? I don't mean on Blogger; because being the lowlife I am, I need to come here just to get a load off. I mean alive, because, well, I'm worthless. I have no future. I can't get a job, because loud noises, bright lights, laughing and breathing make me dizzy. I fail at every topic in school; and for some reason I'm going back to make a spectacle out of myself. I'm not rich. I'm not healthy. I can't even be attractive. And you need at least one of those things to make it in this life. And if I could choose between the three, I don't know if I could decide without regrets. I regret everything I do; but also everything I don't. I'm like this giant walking mistake.
      For once in my life, I'm glad that my siblings aren't a thing like me.

Climbing The Ancestral Tree

      After much research, I think I've come to the conclusion that maybe there's a tiny chance I have some royal blood in me. My last name is in their history, we share descent, and our family crests are alike. Do I need more proof? Can I get more proof? It's not like I can contact my dad. He left the family when I was born. So, here I am, seeking answers. I've got so many questions.

Replaced Viooz

      Well, now that Viooz has deleted everything; I just had to go and find a superior site. It's called Putlocker. The movies have high quality, loud volume and last I checked, no subtitles. And I'm pretty sure that any cussing is not censored. I'm on my way right now to watch Memoirs Of A Geisha... finally. I already watched five movies on that site, in one day. One minute it was seven AM, the next, boom, we'd eaten dinner. I had a blast. I got to watch movies I never thought I'd see.
      Wow. Look at me. I'm actually spamming. Well, at least I'm not some trollbot. I actually wasted a day watching movies I didn't even need to buy. I love spending money on important things. Love Putlocker.

A Good Day's Flaw

      Well, today has been wonderful. We went shopping for food and tonight, we had Black Forest ham cooked right inside pineapple sauce, pineapples included; and Herb And Butter instant potatoes. There's still leftovers, and I'm ready.
      And in the store, I found the movie I've wanted to own since January. Yep, you guessed it; Tangled. Except I was three itty-bitty dollars short! My mother offered to pay those three bucks, and I said no, I couldn't buy a thirty-dollar movie when I was trying to save for a better graphic card. And homeward we went. And now I find that the site that lets me watch it for free has deleted EVERYTHING. I kept saying it would happen, and I wasn't even prepared. And I actually have a movie snack right in front of me.
      Thankfully I'm not totally without now; I do have other hobbies or favorite movies. I want to practice Canon some more, and maybe then I'll watch a movie or write my book...Ah, what is one to do, when one's chores are completed? I can't even do computer gaming for longer than an hour (brother says) until I get a graphic card that can handle NFSW. Right now it starts screaming an hour or so after playing, and that's when the graphics are on low. On high, I can't even enjoy the game anymore...I thought spending all that money would get me a good computer. But, I suppose I'll have to invest, and build my dream PC myself.
      PS. Here's an educative footnote. Another word for flaw is foible.

In Pain...But ELATED!

      My back hurts so much that I can't stand straight.
      I've had flu-like symptoms despite being in good health.
      And despite all of that, I am on Cloud Ten. Which is the mother of Cloud Nine. In other words, I'm more happy than ever. I fixed my book, turning it from a pile of shyt into almost fifty pages of awesome, which happily is even better than the Replica series (not a hard accomplishment). Not only that; but after more than three years of being stuck on Canon, right after the first twenty-eight introductory notes, I finally dedicated an entire week to the piano and I am pleased to announce that I have almost completed that composition! I am so thrilled. I'm doing everything I ever wanted! (Well, except for overcoming my dizziness and getting a life.) Now I can't wait to return to my story, which is something I used to dread. 

A Fun And Disconcerting Night

      I was sitting on the couch, munching on some Fig Newtons, and it came to me: If I flipped Mom's desktop upside-down, wouldn't Checkers be upside-down? So I tried, and sure enough it was. And I kicked ass! I'm still moving my mouse in the wrong direction. I have to do that again.

With Each Spell

      With each epileptic dizzy spell I have; I get closer to wanting that brain surgery. I was trying to sleep last night, and I rolled over onto my stomach and I lost sensation to my face. And now, I'm getting dizzy, again; which I say because lately, I've been getting dizzy twice in just the morning.
      And I know there are people out there who say, "Oh, I have that too." To everything that you've actually got. How do I know? That's easy. I live with them. (It's called hypochondriasis. People who suffer from thinking they suffer are called hypochondriacs. And it's annoying and unappreciated by those with real problems.) So, keeping in mind there are hypochondriacs, some of whom might actually come across my profile; let me dumb it down for you, and explain exactly what epilepsy is. It is a discharge of electricity to the brain. It comes with severe vertigo, which can lead to taking a fall. It comes with loss of sensation to the face, or loss of consciousness. Everything sounds like your ear is pressed up to a small metal tube, and people are yelling into it; which of course increases the vertigo. Shutting your eyes is a horrible idea; because now the room is spinning in every direction. You're safest by holding an object (the best kind is a puke pail!) of one color in front of your eyes. Now you've got a place to put it, and the room is slowing down. You're sweating heavily and your numb ears are ringing. Sometime during the spell you've fallen on the floor, and everything is going black. You know you should call for help, but no one would be able to do anything but call an ambulance. But you can't speak. You try, but your words don't make sense even to you. But that's okay. You'd rather sleep it off.
      And that, my friends, is what is known as the mildest of epilepsy. Some people are stuck in hospitals, bed-ridden for life, with the most severe of it, and they never, ever, have a break. You hypochondriacs know nothing.
      But, I do have wonderful news. My test results for diabetes came back, and they were negative. I'm clear! How awesome is that? My mood has lifted since my last few entries and I just want to apologize for them.
      Well, it's a beautiful, sunny day outside and here I sit. What? Really? No. Not for long.

That Went Well.

Not only did The Big Bang Theory not come on tonight; I have to wait until next month.

Time is dragging again; what felt like half a day was really only half an hour.

And of course, I can't take my sleeping pills because we don't have enough milk. I swear to you, the next time there's enough milk, I'm taking those pills even if it's six in the morning. And if I wake up at eight at night, I'm taking two more. This endless insomnia has gotta go; even if I have to drug myself up to get it gone.

I'm outta here. I'm gonna go lose myself in The Sims 3. Hopefully I'll make my eyes as tired as the rest of me.

One Hour Left To Go

I really, seriously hope this episode tonight of The Big Bang is both new and awesome. I really, seriously need new and awesome tonight. Not much has changed from the last entry...In fact it's worse.
Tonight I'm going to take two sleeping pills, just because I'm sick of being awake when I'm not supposed to be. (Example, four in the bloody morning.) And if that don't help, well, maybe it'll kill me. Oh well. Sh*t happens. At least if I die, I'll finally get my rest!

(You don't know it, but that was a joke. And this may come as a shock, but that was one of my good ones.)
Laters, gators.

Late Night Post

      I'm such a pathetic waste of space. Why am I even alive? Every time I sleep in until 4AM, which I had for two weeks not been doing but now it's getting there again; all I can think of when I roll over and see the time is, "Oh, gee, how awful. Another wasted day in my pathetic life." Which I waste whether I'm in bed or not. Frankly I don't give a flying fart in space if I'm in bed for two days. Pretending to sleep. Not knowing the difference anymore between consciousness and sleep. Wiping at my burning, teary, insomniac eyes. And then dragging myself, zombielike, to the kitchen, so I can eat a large pizza all to myself and not get full, and stuff my face with an entire honeydew melon and not get full.
      Yep. Another day in paradise. Where I get hyper off of a sleeping pill and start cleaning. And then, on the nights I don't take a sleeping pill, that's when my body demands sleep it cannot get.
      One night. One night! That's all it took for my awesome routine to turn to sh*t. I was happy! I was doing so well. And I fought so hard to get there. Now look at me. On second thought, don't.

My Inner Kid Is Catching Up

Or...is my mind slowing down? Not that it was ever particularly fast...but guys, I'm seriously worried. It seems I'm starting to get into...Disney! Princesses, fairies, I cannot get enough. Tangled? I've seen it maybe five times this month, and all I want to do is watch it again. Tinker Bell? Well, Viooz won't play those, but I'm desperately hoping they will.

I'm even writing a book. Rapunzel meets Tinker Bell. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Suddenly I'm Lookin' Pretty Sane

Okay, well, while this is a recent event, it did happen - well - about a week ago. I just can't get it off my mind. I mean, I should be dead right now.
We were coming home...There's a store, and it has three different entrances/exits into the parking lot. Across from one of them there's this giant, forested cliff. Well, my mother and I were traveling past that parking lot entrance, and our double lane was emptying into a single lane. And this person drives past us, breaking the speed limit of eighty, and gets into the single lane ahead. The right side of his car was maybe five feet from that cliff. If that. My mother had to stomp on the brakes to avoid...Well, I don't know. I mean, if he was passing us, and neither of them stopped, would we have gotten hit, or would he have just kept getting further away? Well, I don't want to think about what could've happened. I just am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that a week ago, I could've been killed, in a car, with my mother; and the cops could've called my brother saying "We're sorry, your family is dead."
I mean, wow, he wasn't even heading toward the hospital. Unless there's someone in your car, dying, or in severe peril, and unless you are going to the hospital; you do not drive like that. I mean for all he knew, I had placed my baby in the backseat. Would exceeding the speed limit have been worth it then, if he had killed my kid? I'd have made sure he couldn't walk away.
I should've written his license plate down. The direction he was going, the color of his car; this is precisely why I keep a journal. Why did I not have it with me? The one time it's needed. Seriously.

Reminiscence

I'm going to bed soon. I just wanted to commemorate this moment. At this time in my life, my friend has asked for forgiveness; and things between us are back to normal. It's not awkward, like I expected. It's just how it was.
I am still struggling with my writing endeavors. The process of downgrading to an inferior format with absolutely no updates is looking better and better; however changing to XP means I lose Internet access. And because the Internet is my only link to my sister and other loved ones slash friends; I've been able to just stay where I am. And I'm not saying I hate Windows 7; because I don't. It's terrific. Except...my Sims, and my crappy books, and even collecting gems, seem less and less important. Right now my friends and family, awaiting me on the Internet (for some inexplicable reason) are the only thing anchoring me down to this format. I wish to downgrade because Petz 5 will not be played on anything except Windows 98, Windows XP, and I think there was another one, too. I miss my Calicos, and my Russian Blues. I always had one of each of those breeds. They did tricks for treats, they never had cat fights, they got sad when the other left. They were adorable! I even had a pair of females who bred and had kittens together. The game definitely had its quirks. Like how black-and-white shorthairs were always suspicious of everything. My one B&W never ate anything; she starved herself. And then she ran away because 'I never fed her'. I always got her back and made her eat with the playroom door locked.
I had this one Honeybear, a really fat cat. He bred with a Calico and they made this really poofy Calico with hazel eyes. I had some awesome times playing that game.
I'm trying to save $100 to give to my brother's technological friend, who likes to build computers from scratch. I would like to have him 'make' me a computer with XP, so I can play my game on one computer and still be able to communicate with the outside, without, y'know, leaving the inside. When I get that hundred together; I'm going to try and relive the old days. I could start a whole new section on my deviantART page dedicated to my Petz. Because, well, I'm weird as sh*t, to quote Shannon Parker.
Well, now my heart's hurting because I'm watching Petz 5 on YouTube trying to stop my heartache. You would not believe how hard it is to find a video where the audio is included. You. Who am I talking to anyway? The dust on my corner. Me. Does anyone even read this - besides you, metamorphstorm? Probably not. And yet, for some odd reason, I feel so much better when I type out my thoughts. I guess I just need the extra room...Oh, wait, no, that's wrong. It is roomy up there.
Oh, damnit. Now that I'm listening to Canon, I won't be going to bed, will I? Friggin love classical music. And metal and opera and trance and techno...Music makes everything better. Except perhaps sleep. Oh, God, this song is wonderful. Seriously, here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Af372EQLck
I mean, you'll thank me. Johann Pachelbel, you were a musically inclined genius; may you rest in peace!

A Perfect Night!

Wow. Life has been treating me well - from yesterday right to now! Viooz is working again, and, I got to watch Liar Liar! At long sweet last. No commercials, their cussing was heard loud and clear, and it was perfect. Now I'm off to watch Tangled! I don't care for the musicals, but the rest of it is awesome. I friggin love Rapunzel, she's so adorable. This has got to be my fifth or sixth time watching it on Viooz this year. Liar Liar, Tangled, and Memoirs Of A Geisha are all movies I plan on buying...It's going to be a long, tough journey to save, oh, sixty, seventy dollars; especially when I need to do that twice (I have one other expense I desperately want, even though at the price of losing everything I've got I could have it done tonight - clearly my virtual progress and insignificant book-writing attempts are so precious to me!).
So, yes, off to watch Tangled. (Thank you, Viooz. You've made my night, which was starting to look bleak because my friend said my other friend wants to apologize but now the both of them are avoiding me. Hopefully we all have shitty timing and just keep missing one another, but as usual I'm assuming the worst.) I've gone through one and a half boxes of graham crackers, so I won't be snacking on anything during Tangled. And yet once again I wish I were not watching this alone. What's wrong with me?
Also, to Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady; The Big Bang Theory tonight was excellent. I was so surprised when Stewart fell dead to the floor. And I friggin adored the futuristic car at the end. The three of us simply have to get together. Our minds could create the best futuristic eye-popping coveted creations. Plus I'd want autographs. And not just from you. I'm fangirling, you know!
Okay, well, here I go. Alone. A lone, lonely loner...Damn it. I'm quoting Howard and Sid? I really have hit rock bottom. Now. Who can I pull down with me?...Ah, yes. Rapunzel, Paskell, Flynn, and that crazy ol' bitcharooneydooney who goes through a middle-age crisis every fifteen minutes! Enjoy your night, everyone; as I am! Who cares if it's midnight!

Medically Covered

      Well, while I do have minor complaints, which I admit are the same ones I always have, this day has treated me very well. I finally received my medical alert necklace, which is now engraved; so if I collapse in the store, I can get the correct help. You would not believe how much that lifts my spirits. I went from feeling dead and depressed to alive. I even bought snacks! Two items for two dollars each; but because I didn't have their special exclusive card, I got dinged four extra dollars. (That happened last time, too, except I was a few cents short and could not afford the items. Well, there were saints in Lanka Jewels today, and they wrote off the sixteen cents I did not have, and allowed me to walk away with my medical alert necklace anyway. That was awesome of them and I made it a point to thank them.)
      And let's not forget the huge things that made this day so wonderful. I woke up with a roof over my head, with blankets wrapped around me, walls barricading me from the dangers of the beautiful world, and sturdy flooring underfoot. I am not homeless, and I take that for granted far too often. I need to start being more grateful.
      I am considering returning to school; and my mother's teacher has a daughter who is just like me. So, there is potentially a new friend. If she is exactly like me, she will not want to be friends right away; but hey, if there is a chance, I'd be happy to make acquaintances with someone who perfectly and completely understands me. I have always avoided circumstances that bring people closer to me - flirting, of course, being my biggest fear. I loathe the concept of any touching. But if a new friend is not intrusive that way at all, I'm all for it! I'm not a robot, I do get lonely sometimes. Like right now. I'm about to pop in a movie and wish I had some companionship. A straight woman, a gay man, a dog, a cat. Anything, really, if they can contribute to nonintrusive communication. "How's the weather?" Well, that would be a dumb question if we're sitting in the same room. Of course, I would most likely be the one to ask something dumb.
      To meet someone the likes of me; that would be a rare and wonderful curse.

      PS. I just want to note that to all of you people who make me feel intelligent; it is NOT okay to abbreviate "medical alert necklace", because this is a real concern, and if anyone says I have a MAN wrapped around my neck, I will kick your ass so hard that your tailbone will play your spine like a xylophone. I just wanted to say something about that.

YouTube And Viooz, You SUCK!

YouTube was once a place where you could watch full movies, for free, and while there were ads, there were no pop-ups that lay hazard to your PC. Well, at least there are still no pop-ups.
Viooz was, just last week, a site on which you could watch ANY movie you wanted to see. Now it doesn't play anything. It never played Liar Liar, even when it did play everything else; but now nothing loads.
What is happening to our world? It's all about greed and money and miscommunication. The sites that promise you unlimited movies, do not give you unlimited movies. The drivers that pass their tests, run someone over. No one cares about anyone but themselves. And it is actually very expensive to sleep under someone's stairs. It's 2014, people. When will we make it right for the coming generations?
I was in line yesterday at the store. Maybe it was the day before. I had eleven dollars and twenty cents. I couldn't afford my item, because it was eleven dollars and forty cents (but of course if my mother had just come inside I could've gotten it for four dollars). The one time I stand in line without my mother, some guy comes up from behind and offers to buy it for me. According to my family, he was hitting on me. So now I can't even get one f**king item without someone wanting a favor? And he was ancient! He was probably past his seventies. With our spaceships going to the moon; and with these bendable laptops and this waterproof money; you would think our world would be evolved enough to do one thing that is not about some f**king profit.
But then I remember I'm in Canada, and we put up signs telling people where to put their candy wrappers, and no one's even smart enough to do that. And I know there is no hope for my country. I mean, didn't they learn this in kindergarten?

Rant's over. Sorry, guys. I'm just tired and anxious and worried and my favorite things to do aren't fun anymore and I only have reason to get out of bed when family visits. And I've been sleeping from noon to six PM so trust me, I have more reason to b*tch than you think. I've had two periods in one month, I'm developing an allergy to everything chocolate, and the only people who are interested in me are disgusting old men. And it's 7:30 and I just want to go to bed but everyone's cruel and won't let me! I don't know why. There is nothing I could do that would be useful to them. Besides chores. And really, I don't care. I'm tired of pretending like I care. If I fell asleep, and was dead to the world for three days before I woke up, I could not give a d*mn. Who'd miss me? Not I. Not them. Not you. Within these four walls the bed is my closest friend, and I just want to hug it until the end of time.
Gotta go. Just got a text...Someone probably misdialed. Or my phone company is spamming me again. I'm out.